I love my boys more than anything but there are some days where I get soccer punched by that feeling of never dancing again. That moment where I remember that I used to get paid to do what I love AND see the world! I used to wake up in a different city or country everyday. Now I wake up in a different bed or with a different child lying with his foot in my face or stealing my covers. I actually got pushed out of bed onto the floor once-by a 2 year old!! How is that even possible?!
I used to shimmy around on stage in sparkly costumes and huge feathers. My photo must be in people’s holiday albums all over the world! I used to be tanned. I used to be toned!
When I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror now I see a version of myself I no longer recognize: The greying hair with the funny post-baby bald patches, the t-shirt that’s covered in vomit stains and something else I’d rather pretend isn’t there, the black circles under my eyes from lack of sleep (granted I didn’t sleep much in my former life either but for VERY different reasons!), the extra stress lines because you never stop worrying about your babies from the moment they are placed in your arms.
I’m lucky in some ways. I’m probably back to the same weight I was then. I may even be smaller. I mean I’ve had no time to eat since Baby M was born and God only knows how many calories I have burned off in the endless trips to and from bedrooms, picking up and putting down my gorgeously chubby baby and never-ending walks up and down the hallway trying to get the baby to sleep. And I’m breastfeeding so I can’t fill up on alcohol every night (plus a fiver doesn’t go as far as it did in the crew bar!)
And no-one warns you about the breastfeeding cramps-it’s like doing 200 sit ups every time you feed in those early days!
So maybe I could still pull off that sequined bikini?! Hmmm.
There are days I really do think about going back. Running away to the dock and jumping onboard the next ship that would take me….(seriously so tired but clearly so addicted to my phone I was able to write that last sentence having nodded off).
However, I am no longer flexible in any way and lugging a 9 kilo baby around all day takes its toll on a back that wasn’t all that stable to begin with. I probably could still plaster on that make-up and brush off my showbiz smile but actually I kinda prefer my Mama smile these days. The one I reserve just for my babies, the ones that see me as a star without the make-up or the costumes.
Part of me will always miss that life and will always yearn to go back but it’s time to look at what I’ve got instead of what I’ve lost.
So next time I look in the mirror I’ll look past the wrinkles and focus on the laughter lines instead. Some I got from my memories onboard but the biggest ones, the best ones, I got since becoming a Mama.
Sweet Dreams –
Mama Atzi xxx
