I don’t need to ask my mirror who is the fairest of them all because I already know it is most definitely NOT me!
Laughter lines aside what I hate seeing the most when I look in the mirror these days (which in all honesty is not that often since a mirror cracking brings 7 years bad luck) is the weird sprouting grey hairs that seem to have accumulated in the oddest of places. I mean like really weird. It’s as if these silver spikes have deliberately protruded out of every flaw you already have a complex about just to laugh in your face. The bald patches, weird horn like tufts of hair and new tiny sprouts that for some reason occur during pregnancy and then just NEVER LEAVE (despite my floors being covered in enough lost hair to make a carpet) are suddenly adorned by greyness. I mean, honestly, how can parts of your head be bald AND grey at the same time. That’s just not fair!
It’s had me crying, “I’m sooooo old”! at my reflection, which in turn prompted LJ to cry so hard he almost hyperventilated because he equates being old with death and thought that meant I was going to drop down dead at any moment. And quite frankly by this point I wasn’t sure I could confidently persuade him otherwise. Silver was supposedly THE hair colour of the year in 2019 but you know what? I call BS coz I don’t see anything fashionable or sexy about this fifty shades of grey and my son definitely wasn’t buying it either!
I suddenly felt like I was headed on the downhill part of my “journey of life” and it all occurred on my last birthday.
It felt like turning 38 had triggered an old age bomb within me. I could hear and feel it ticking away inside – causing me to age (badly I might add) with every tock!
35 was always my “scary age” for some reason, and I guess I should have felt grateful for those 3 extra “good years”, because seriously the day, in fact the minute, I turned 38 it all really did start to go down hill!
My muscles became more weary, the bags under my eyes appeared darker, the lines on my face even deeper, the grey hairs harder to hide and just everything in general suddenly seemed to take far more effort than it did mere hours earlier! My bones physically hurt and just getting out of the bed in the morning felt like waking up from a major operation. And I wasn’t exactly the most spritely thing of a morning as it was!
It felt like I had hit midlife crisis mode. And I suppose if that means I have 38 years left it’s not really that bad – hopefully that gives me time to see my boys get married and meet my grandchildren (even if I can’t lift them!) – but somehow this new found exhaustion really got me feeling rather depressed.
By Christmas 2019 I was pretty much on the verge of burn-out. And granted I got myself involved in organising a Christmas event that took up way more time and caused way more stress than it needed to but we pulled that off and usually all that stress and excitement, as hard as it is at the time, is what I thrive off and would have been enough to send me through to the New Year on a high – especially knowing that it had helped raise a huge amount of money for charity – but it didn’t. It was completely anti-climatic and almost took the joy out of Christmas for me because I was, as I said, genuinely on the verge of burn-out and 100% owning my Exhausted Mama status.
That is when I realised that this year’s new year resolution had to be about looking after myself more and getting back the happy.
Sometimes I think we Mamas spend so much time trying to make sure everyone around us has what they need and want and that they are happy and healthy; that we totally and utterly neglect ourselves in the process.
The problem is that when we are not happy or healthy ourselves how does that help anyone?
I really started to feel like I’d lost myself somewhere along the way. It took me back to my “Remember Me” post but this time it was worse because I felt like I was also losing the Mama part of me. I was no longer seeing the lines on my face as memories of the fun and laughter I had shared with my boys but simply imprints of stress and worry and I felt like I was failing everyone. Including myself.
Yet I still wasn’t helping myself either. I had got into this weird self-destructive, angry place. I felt like I had the opportunity to do something special here. To expand my business and create something that would be beneficial both for me personally but also ultimately for my family and yet, whilst it seemed to be right there for the taking, something was still holding me back. My fear of failure and the reality of the risks involved – financially and emotionally, my husband, my children, my lack of self-esteem….something. And that made me angry and grumpy and frustrated. My fuse was at times so short that I was picking arguments with my husband more than ever but still finding myself unable to really tell him what I was feeling and why I was so pissed off all the time.
And I was binging more Netflix than ever in a desperate bid to switch my brain off but ending up simply losing more sleep as a result!
I realised that I had hit a kind of wall. No matter which angle I came at it from, how high I jumped, how much rope I tried to throw, I was not getting over that wall.
So I did what the ‘wine mummy culture’ would expect of me – I poured myself a glass of wine and tried to ignore the wall and concentrate on the needs of my kids and husband instead.
But then I got thinking about how every time I am overworked or overstressed or feeling a little bit too homesick my answer was indeed to pour a glass of wine and take a bath in order to just get on with it again the next day.
According to an article in The Washington Post* online studies show that women, especially those in their 30’s and 40’s, are drinking more than ever. And I can full on believe it.
The occasional after-work glass of wine was turning into a regular thing and the de-stressing bubble bath with “extra bubbles” to unwind were becoming far more common too.
Back to my Netflix obsession and it was clear every other 30 something woman was doing that same thing – making it justified.
But slowly the ‘acceptable’ time to pour that first glass was getting earlier and earlier (it’s 6pm somewhere right?!) and it was fast becoming a habit and, what’s worse, one that seemed normal because that’s what all the stressed out, over worked, exhausted Mamas were doing.
Enter New Year Resolution season and it seemed the perfect time to curb the drinking and, in the process, put the focus on myself to find the happy. For once in my life I wanted to be positive and look ahead by making simple changes to help get what I wanted and hopefully keep the stress away in the first place, rather than going through the motions and relying on finding ways (like wine and baths) to relieve the stress.
Enter Dry January and the #ExhaustedMamaMission. You can follow my exploits here: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=3659816844058701&id=1167362226637521
Now I don’t pretend to know much about this supposed ‘Sober Curious’ movement. For me it was pure coincidence that, just as I decide to “go sober” for a while, this has apparently become a “thing”. But having done a bit of research in writing this blog post (I know, professional right?!) it seems I am not the only one intrigued in seeing if life with a bit less alcohol can indeed be better! I can assure you that I have no interest in doing this to be cool or follow the crowd – apparently the “millennial generation has embraced sober curious culture and has actually made sobriety more culturally acceptable”** whatever that means!
I just want to take responsibility for my own happiness for a change and stop relying on others (or a glass of wine and a bath tub) to make me feel good. I want to get a bit fitter and a bit healthier and since exercise is linked to the release of endorphins (the “feel good” chemicals) hopefully happier and more positive too.
So for once in my life, instead of continuing to half-heartedly try climbing that wall so I could put on this false bravado that of course I am ambitious, of course I can make it over the other side. I decided that maybe this time I would instead look at the bigger picture and accept that perhaps it is simply not my time to get over that wall just yet. That perhaps, right now, it was enough to know that there is, potentially, something special waiting for me on the other side (and my gut instincts tell me there is) and when I am really ready for it, instead of having to fight my way over I will have the knowledge and the expertise in place to simply knock through that wall and walk with confidence and conviction through it. (Well, I sound convincing anyway don’t I?)
I said in my “About Time” post that accepting what you can not control is truly a liberating feeling. There are so many quotes out there about not worrying about the things you can not control and instead focusing on the things you can. It is a hard thing to stop yourself worrying though and in all honesty something like that is quite often an innate part of your personality so you are never going to truly be able to ‘switch off’ the natural born worrier in you but I have really learnt that it is not so much the worrying but the accepting of those things that is the key to being calmer and therefore happier.
Accepting my Grandad had died was and still is the hardest part of that grief journey and there’s some days still now, almost 3 years later, that I revert back to that feeling and am not able to accept he has gone. That any of my Grandparents have gone. That first true bout of grief has changed me forever.
You all know too how hard I fought not to give up hope that my babies would sleep but it was only when I truly accepted that this was something I couldn’t control and they were simply not good sleepers (and I don’t care about any Ferber or Gina Ford fans who disagree – you do you) that I personally, FINALLY, felt some peace about this rather horrendous part of our parental journey.
And that is the key here too. I needed to accept that some things right now were not going to change (ie my dreams of my own dance studios) but that other things could and should (ie me being happier with my current situation and enjoying and building on what I have now) and that by doing that those dreams would not be lost but simply postponed.
So here we are.
25 days sober (that sounds weird) and feeling somewhat “different” though my ‘sober curiosity’ has not been peaked enough to fully join the movement. The work outs have not been quite as daily as I had hoped having now settled back into the reality of school, Kiga and work but I am definitely on it more than I was and am finding out new things about my body, including the fact that I think regaining my pre-baby belly is going to be much more complicated than I first thought (more to follow on that in a future post!)
I do feel more positive though and I am definitely being more pro-active. I think that’s more to my new mindset than the actual sober part to be honest. I have always been a pretty determined person and when I want something and put my mind to it I usually do get it or atleast work very hard to do my best. I still procrastinate too much – small steps and all that – but it is getting better and I am no longer simply getting through the day until I can chill with a glass of wine.
The worst thing about this dry January is the boredom I have felt. Which just sounds terrible. Maybe it’s again coincidental that it’s happening whilst term is quite sorted and things are running fairly smoothly. I am on top of upcoming trips that have been planned and in between stuff at the moment, which means I don’t have any major projects in the works. Plus things were so crazy busy before Christmas that anything after that was going to seem slow. But it really feels like some evenings I am wondering what to do with myself because I can’t have a drink to while away the time before bed! Slippery slope….
So that needs working on for sure because I do not want to go back to having a drink because it’s something to do. I haven’t wanted it or needed it this last month and as easy as it is to slip back into old habits I am determined not to. Don’t get me wrong I am looking forward to having a nice drink again (because I genuinely love the taste of wine – if someone could just make a decent non-alcoholic version all would be simple!) and especially in a sociable setting – to quote Joey “if a blind man gets back his sight does he walk around {with his arms outstretched}” – but it should also be something that is enjoyed rather than a ‘just because’ and it most definitely should not be to make my life feel better than it is.
I have also realised that my vitamin d deficiency may actually be related to my alcohol consumption. Another quite scary thought really. But in the last week or so my nails have really grown and become stronger – something I have not had since pregnancy (and I am definitely not with child!) and the pain I used to feel almost constantly at the bottom of my spine has also had some relief. Of course I am also feeling a bit less anxious and stressed at the moment and working out more, especially on my core, so it may all be linked to that (or it may not!) It will be interesting to see after this period what happens.
One thing I have not gained though is a ‘the sun is up so I must be up’ personality and honestly I don’t think my energy levels have improved in any particular positive way so I guess I have some more accepting to do (ie that my body is simply now that of an older person who is also a working Mother) and learn to get on with it.
No matter what happens though I am determined to continue with a more positive outlook on everything and knowing that sometimes I will slip and some days will have a more negative vibe than others but if I try my best to hold onto the things that ‘spark joy’ and let go of the things that don’t – and especially those that I can not control anyway – I will realise that failing is not the same as failure and that however “old” I might be feeling it is actually a privilege that not everyone gets to experience. So, onwards and upwards my fellow exhausted Mamas and Papas. We got this!
Sweet dreams –
Mama Atzi x
*by Caitlin Gibson, July 7th 2019
**From an article for Very Well Mind by Sarah Sheppard, updated November 27th 2019
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-sober-curious-4774971
^A term coined by tidying expert Marie Kondo and the KonMari Method (TM)
