“Somewhere Slow” (New Year, New Start)

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

 

I have only a handful of New Year’s intentions, several more New Year’s hopes and wishes but only 1 real New Year’s resolution for 2017.

Like all good intentions – drink less, eat better, workout more – I am not off to a very good start. I could give you a load of excuses as to why – Little M isn’t sleeping well so I am exhausted and deserve a little tipple of an evening, I’ve had a chest infection and who wants to workout when they’re ill? But truthfully I just don’t care enough. Bad attitude I know but I am of the mind that (for example) if you’re gonna quit smoking, you have to really ‘want’ to quit smoking. Hence these were ‘intentions’ not proper resolutions – somehow I feel better about breaking intentions than resolutions. I know, I know. Excuses, excuses. As I said I don’t care!

The hopes and wishes, like most Mamas, are for health and happiness for my family and friends, and maybe a bit less stress, a bit more money and a focus on the good stuff rather than the bad so much. A nice holiday somewhere sunny wouldn’t go a miss either! Ooh and dance lessons. I’d really like to take some dance lessons this year…..sorry getting off point now! And on a grand scale of course I also agree with Miss America and hope for world peace…………………………………………………………………………….. oops – sorry my finger froze. Must have gone into a Trump trance. Well, as I said, one can dream.

So, to the resolution. I decided that for this year I really only want one thing. For myself and most importantly for my children. All I really want to try and do is ‘slow down’. I just want to slow down.

Every morning I hear myself shouting ‘hurry up LJ. Come on M. We’re late’ Ok, sure. It is important that we are on time but it is also important to take the time to get ready properly. We start every day with stress. And for no real reason. We are still one of the first families at Kindergarten in the morning. My husband one of the first into the office. I am one of the earliest shoppers and probably, to my neighbours annoyance, one of the first to get the hoover out. So why can’t we just slow down a little bit……

Everywhere we go I feel like I am rushing. In museums we rush from one exhibit to the other. When I pick LJ up I am always trying to get him to hurry up so we can get home. I hear myself say the words “come on!” about a hundred times a day. We seem to have to be on lightning speed all the time. Always in a hurry to get out the door. To get home. To get dinner. To get in the bath. To get to bed. And then we wake up and it all starts again!

I don’t want to do that anymore. I want my children to be able to enjoy their days. Take the time to really see things and appreciate them. To be able to eat their meals or enjoy their baths without being rushed into the next activity. I want to let them learn in their own time. I want to not feel impatient because they are being ‘too slow’.

I want to let my children lead.

And with that in mind I need to ‘slow down’. I need to go at their pace. After all, they only have little legs!

Sometimes what is slow to us is lightning speed to them and I need to stop and remember that they won’t be little for much longer. Soon their legs will outgrow mine and I will be the one playing catch up.

My Grandparents turned 90 this Winter. 90 years seems so long, yet somehow it has just gone in the blink of an eye. And it just really made me stop and think.

It feels like we have forever and so much time on our hands that we rush through our days believing that we can do everything tomorrow. But at some point there won’t be a tomorrow.

I have been lucky enough to have every one of my Grandparents in my life for every major event so far.

For the last 35 years they have been there for me in one way or another – physically, emotionally, financially. They have shared in every life event that has happened to me – my birth, my Christening, my first tooth, my first steps, when I had the main role in the school play, my dance shows, my graduation, my wedding and so far for every moment of my children’s lives too.

I took it for granted they would always be there.

Then on Boxing Day my Grandad left our house because he couldn’t breathe properly and that night was admitted to hospital with a chest infection (as well as underlying conditions). I was too busy helping my Nanny get her coat on to even kiss him goodbye. I could only wave as they drove away. On his 90th birthday we flew back to Austria with the knowledge that Boxing Day 2016 may be the last time we will ever see him. My Grandad. My hero.

He’s still with us but remains in hospital and things will never be the same again. Suddenly I feel like I rushed through every moment of my time with my Grandad and whilst I know we had amazing times together I worry that I missed things because I was always in a rush to get to ‘the next thing on my list’. Always believing there would be another day, another tomorrow, for the things I didn’t do or say.

The point is time goes too quickly as it is and I don’t want to rush my kids through the best bits anymore. So we are going to slow down this year. I am sure there will be days I still say ‘hurry up’ and ‘come on’ (probably more than I would like) but I am determined to live in the here and now as much as possible. Taking each day as it comes and enjoying each moment so I can help my children make memories they will cherish forever.

I don’t know if I will get to give my Grandad that last goodbye kiss but I will hold onto the memories of the thousands of other goodbye kisses we have had and be grateful for every moment we have shared in between.

I can’t control the past or the future (or the lack of sleep we get it seems!) but I can control the present and make sure my children get the opportunity to experience everything they can. In their own way and in their own time. As painful as not sleeping is, I need to try not to focus on getting to an age where he will sleep as quickly as possible because ultimately I am just wishing his life away. And it’s time to stop. (Well, try to anyway!)

So Happy New Year! I hope your intentions stay good. I pray that your hopes and wishes come true and that you manage to stay true to your resolutions. Who knows what 2017 will bring but I’m going to take it slowly. As the fable goes, it is the tortoise that wins in the end.

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“I Don’t Know How She Does It”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

FullSizeRender

Recently I watched the film “I don’t know how she does it” starring Sarah Jessica Parker as a working Mum and I think the title sums up the basic plot.

It’s a must-see for any of us that are trying to juggle a career as well as being the ‘perfect Mum’ and a reminder that no matter how hard we try we will never quite live up to everyone’s expectations. But what I love about this film is that it highlights the fact that, actually, that’s ok. We don’t have to be perfect at either role all the time. We just have to be there. Turn up, do our job to the best of our ability and most importantly know that when all is said and done family has to come first. Because we can say we are working for a better future or life for our children but they aren’t children for long. In a blink of an eye their childhood is gone and if you’re not careful you’ll miss it.

I love the fact that SJP doesn’t give up the job she loves for the family she loves more because as she says “without this job I’m not me” but it does highlight the fact that when you have kids, things change. It’s not easy to adjust to a life where spontaneity is rare and being able to go out for drinks with your girlfriends at short notice is unheard of. Shopping trips involve logistical planning and overpacked bags with enough nappies, bottles and a change of clothes to last the afternoon.

Where romance is being able to watch a whole film uninterrupted or eat a meal with 2 hands and sleeping through the night is the new sex.

For the most part you’re exhausted before you even begin.

Your life is never your own again and that’s why it’s important to hold on to that part of yourself where you perhaps feel a little more successful than you do at home – well sometimes!

But to be a working Mum is to be in a constant battle of yourselves. Black power suit (or whatever you wear for work!) on one shoulder versus puked on, exhausted self on the other. Finding the perfect balance is hard but worth it (I think anyway).

And women do all this under the cloud of a gender bias too. I’m not going to get into that discussion – I’m a dancer so I accepted inequality in the workplace a long time ago but it is there and exists even before we have children because, of course, the assumption is that we all will.

In this world of social media it is easy to show the world how well we do it because only the good stuff is ever shown to the public. We can all be as successful as we want to on paper because who wants to flaunt their failings? No-one really knows what goes on behind our computer screens or how hard it really is. In reality ‘how she does it’ is to wing it most of the time. And that’s why I really enjoyed watching this film because it sums up how I feel every day!

I shared SJP’s excitement of opening her wardrobe to find an outfit that doesn’t have a stain on it.

When asked by a colleague if she has a Rice Krispie on her jacket rather than hide it or just get rid of it she tastes it and then explains ‘ah no it’s just pancake batter’. How many times have I done something similar not even noticing anymore that maybe to those without kids that’s not normal behaviour?! And thank God it did turn out to be chocolate! ?

Like SJP’s character (because I’m sure the real SJP would never do this) I would be the Mum that buys a cake and passes it off as her own. (Although most people know I can’t bake to save my life so that little trick probably wouldn’t stay a secret long!)

I fall asleep choreographing routines and making lists to make lists!!

When she cries because she discovers the babysitter has taken her son for his first haircut I cry with her. And for me that is the most apt part of the film. That even dressed in a smart suit carrying a briefcase and off to her high-powered job in investment banking she is still a Mother and only another Mum can understand the importance of a ‘first hair-cut’ and how heartbreaking it is to miss it. Or any ‘first’ for that matter.

Jobs come and go but from the moment you meet your baby you are a Mama and that’s one role you will never quit – even if there are days you might seriously consider it.

There are people I know who make the juggling of work and Motherhood look not only easy but attractive. As someone who struggles to find the time to get jobs done every day I really don’t know how they do it. I am in constant awe of their time management skills and wish someone would share the secret with me.

Still, when I take a step back I realise I’m not doing quite such a bad job, in either role, as I think. My school is doing well and my boys are healthy and happy. They are surrounded by love and provided with new experiences and opportunities to learn and have fun every day. We have clothes on our backs, a roof over our heads and food in our cupboards, we even managed a family holiday this year. So my house might be a mess, I’m certainly no Nigella Lawson in the kitchen, I still haven’t mastered the German language, I don’t update this blog half as much as I would like and I’m on my phone doing work stuff way too often but when all is said and done I am there when it counts and my boys will always be my first priority (the big one included).

So I might not know how ‘she’ does it but I’ll just keep doing what ‘I’ do and maybe one day someone will say that about me! (Just as long as I never invite them round my house ?)

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“Girl, Interrupted”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

So firstly folks I do apologise for the delay in posting. As you know we recently made another trip home to the UK to see my family. I had hoped this one might be a little more successful than the last but I think it might have been even worse!! Of course it was wonderful catching up with friends and family as always and the trip certainly started well.

The boys were both good as gold on the flight over and the first weekend was spent celebrating Baby M’s Christening which was really lovely.

We did get some lovely days in – visiting friends, play dates, a trip to the beach, the Sealife centre and Monsters Soft play – but the following weekends were spent working for me and were pretty intense with cover teaching and dance school exams in London. Meanwhile both boys seemed to get hit with a tummy bug and Baby M decided this was a good time to get another tooth which is never fun! Sleep wise Baby M napped pretty well and on schedule if not always for really long and was also good going to bed but throughout the night he was pretty atrocious. I guess with hindsight we can put it down to that big top tooth coming through but once again it was not fun to be dealing with him alone. Especially with LJ waking up from bad dreams and also wanting to come into bed with me, something he hasn’t done for a long time.

But that is something I am once again learning about babies and now big brothers. That they just have a sixth sense about things. They know when your mind is on something else (i.e the big dance exam session you have coming up) and they know when something is going on that requires your attention to be more on the baby than the big bro.

The most apt example of this being when we tried to arrange a repeat of the fantastic naming party we had with the girls before Baby M was born (I had obviously forgotten that LJ stayed in Vienna with his Papa and Baby M was not yet a wonderful disruption on our hearts).

It went something like this……

I don’t get much time to myself. To just be me, rather than a Mother or Wife, so when I get the opportunity to spend time with friends, without children, it is special. Just for a little while it is nice, and important, to just to be Katy instead of Mama or Mrs Atzi.

And I feel very lucky to have a wonderful group of friends who I grew up with in one way or another and who are still my friends 30 years later. We have shared school, pantomimes, dance classes, Brownies, swim lessons, Sunday school, trips abroad, caravan holidays, injuries and illnesses, weddings, house warmings, birthdays and babies and every so often when I am back at my Mum’s we try to get together. Either a meal out or at someone’s house.

This particular nights was one of those get togethers. We had planned a Girls Night In at my Mums with food, drinks (a bit of Prosecco) and some games – silly quizzes and the like.

Baby M and LJ had been no bother going to bed for the last week at my Mums or in fact for the last month or longer at home but of course on the one night that we need them to play ball and go to sleep at their normal time it all goes wrong!

First Baby M had a later than usual afternoon nap, despite being exhausted at his usual time he fought it tooth and nail, eventually falling asleep in the car on the way home. Needless to say this meant he wasn’t quite so sleepy in the evening but he was still ready for bed at 7.15pm so all seemed on track still. Then, out of no-where, he pukes up his entire bottle of milk! All over himself and all over me and my nice outfit ready for the evening. Luckily he still was sleepy enough to go off but by now we are 50 minutes behind schedule.

Next comes LJ. My golden boy. He had welcomed all the girls, played nicely while we chatted and said a lovely goodnight to everyone. Now LJ likes you to lie with him until he falls asleep but normally this is fine because he literally falls asleep within minutes. We have a story, a nice cuddle and he’s gone. He was so tired – he had been rubbing his eyes before going upstairs – but no this night he decided to just lie there WIDE AWAKE!

I tried singing, cuddling, going to the toilet and hoping to come back and find him sleeping, I told him I would just go downstairs if he didn’t sleep soon. He squeezed his eyes so tight in a bid to make himself fall asleep but still he just lay there clutching onto me for dear life. I guess in his mind he believes we stay with him for most of the night when he’s asleep but because there were people downstairs he knew I was going to leave him as soon as he fell asleep.

I could hear everyone chatting and laughing downstairs, ok 5 more minutes, but then I heard them get up the table, plates and cutlery clanging, starting to get annoyed now – I wanted to do a game before we got to the table, another 5 minutes he’s still wide awake and I am getting really angry as I am missing the evening. I tell him I am going down anyway. The water works start. Proper hyper-ventilating crying. My Mum comes up and tells me to just go down but now I am upset and stressed and angry and feel like a terrible Mother, embarrassed to go down and quite frankly by this point my appetite is completely gone.

I do go down in the end as I need to calm down. My Dad comes down and says he’s sleeping already but when my Mum hasn’t reappeared 10 minutes later I know this was just a lie to encourage me to eat!

Back up I go and eventually he falls asleep. I did not hear another peep out of him all night. Grrrrrrrrr!!

Alas, after this trauma the rest of the night was child-free, happy and relaxed. Of course I saw Baby M several times later in the night but the bottle of Prosecco helped me cope with that and now we have another story to share.

The moral of which is don’t plan a night with friends expecting to rely on your usually reliable children. They sense something and always react. Next time I will make sure hubby is there to manage the boys while the girls have fun.

On a positive note it was lovely to see LJ wanting Nana to take him up to bed and read him stories and Baby M dancing away in Grandad’s music room. On a personal note I was very proud of my teachers and pupils in how smooth the exams ran and I got to be judge of a dance contest which showcased some amazing talent plus a successful girly shopping and lunch trip sealed me as a buddy of my best friend’s daughter at last! ;0)

So actually apart from the lack of sleep (well what else is new?!) and the crazy, busy work stuff, on paper, it sounds better than I remember! But next time, just in case, I definitely won’t be organising our visit solely around work. Next trip to Nana’s is going to be for fun, family and friends only! The way it should be.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x