“28 Days”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

February might only have 28 days in it but I can honestly say that February 2017 has been the longest (and one of the most painful) of my life.

It actually started out quite full of hope. A positive job interview, Little M seemingly excited about starting Kindergarten and this Exhausted Mama believing that she might get to have a little bit of a recoup before being thrown into the world of work! Sadly it was not meant to be.

When it comes to childcare and children’s classes I have always been a ‘rip the band aid’ kind of person. I don’t believe it helps the child (or parent) to prolong the agony and after countless situations as a dance teacher where I have watched and seen firsthand as parents coddle and pander to their child instead of letting them take it in their own stride and just get on with it, ultimately making it much harder for the child to settle and enjoy themselves, I feel my ‘professional’ opinion atleast is justified.

If they’re not ready they’re not ready but if they are you have to let them go.

With that in mind I have always respected and trusted that other professionals (i.e childcare providers) know what they’re doing. So with LJ, when we were told the Kindergarten settling in period in London would be around 3 days I was skeptical but stayed positive and decided to go with it.

And it worked. Sure there were tears when I left for a while, but a few minutes outside the door proved it was (mostly) for show and all in all the transition was smooth and calm.

So when it came to starting our way more independent, second child, I just did not envision that it would go so badly!!! Or take so long!

As a Mama and a teacher I know that not every child is the same. They develop at different rates; talk, walk, skip and plie in their own time at their own speed. I know you have to choose your teaching style to suit the child’s personality. I know some children take longer to settle than others.

While I believe in ‘ripping the band aid’ I do also know that some children will find that harder than others. That there is always an exception to the rule. I just never thought my child would be that exception.

I’m forever telling people not to stress over their sleep deprivation (even though that’s all I ever do!), reminding them that “some babies just don’t sleep”. I wasn’t surprised that my second baby was also a non-sleeper but I didn’t expect him to be one of “those babies that just don’t settle” as well. Of course I hadn’t had such a Mama’s boy before either!

3 weeks later and I was still only able to leave for 30 mins – an hour if I was lucky. 3 weeks of downing McDonalds coffees (all I had time for). 3 weeks of sad little points at the door to the exit or LJ’s grouproom. 3 weeks of not understanding why I was sitting there but not really playing with him. 3 weeks of stress, tears, tantrums, clinging and worry. 3 weeks of heartbreak.

We had the feeling that Little M would probably settle better if he could join the older group where his big brother was but as Principal of a dance school, where you are constantly second guessed by parents (if you give them the chance) who supposedly know better than you and your 20 years worth of training and experience, I didn’t want to be “that” parent.

I was grateful when after a meeting the Kindergarten team, of their own accord, came to the same conclusion as us (see, Mummies and Daddies we do know what we’re doing, will always listen and appreciate your parental instincts and opinions but ultimately will make the right decision without you so please don’t push! Ok, sometimes you need to, your baby comes first, but just be nice about it!)

And hey presto, 3 days later he was already more settled than he had after 3 weeks in the baby group (so maybe us parents do know something too)! By day 5 there were no tears and I was able to leave him for most of the morning. Day 6 and he’s staying there for lunch – which since I don’t have a regular job here yet is all I was asking for anyway!!

So my faith in the ‘ripping the band aid’ philosophy does work – under the right circumstances or Kindergarten group anyway!

Finally, there was a light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Sadly though another light was starting to fade and on February 26th my world got a little dimmer when I received the worst FaceTime call of my life so far.

I knew as soon as the words ‘Mum and Dad Would Like to FaceTime’ flashed up on my screen at 10.30pm what was about to happen and with a deep breath I clicked ‘Accept’, a complete juxtaposition of what I was feeling, and prepared to hear the words that I had been preparing myself to hear for the last 2 weeks. I ripped that stupid bandaid and listened quietly as my Mum very calmly told me my darling Grandad was gone forever.

You may remember from my “Somewhere Slow” post that I wasn’t sure if I would get to see him again. I am grateful to be able to say that I did manage to fly over at the beginning of February and even more grateful that I was able to get that last goodbye kiss. I can’t honestly say it’s given me any more comfort but in time I hope it will.

Right now I still keep going over everything I should have said or could have done differently. Like one extra hug or trying to fit in one more visit before I flew home. If I’d said my usual ‘see you soon’ would he still be with us? But in the end none of it makes a difference and the only thing that is important is that Grandad is at peace.

I had the most amazing, special Grandad in my life for nearly 36 years. He got to know both my boys and LJ got to know him. Little M will have our photos, memories and stories.

So yes it’s been a very long, very tough month. There’s been a lot of tears and a lot of tantrums – and not all from the baby.

But the kindergarten team have been patient and kind and I’m confident Little M will soon be running into Kiga without a backward glance.

The NHS staff at the Norfolk and Norwich were phenomenal with my Grandad and their efforts and professionalism allowed him to fall asleep peacefully and with dignity. The way he deserved.

Right now I don’t know how to accept a reality where my Grandad no longer exists. Every time I think about it I get punched. The time between hits slowly increases but for the rest of my life they’ll be there.

At the end of the day, whether you rip the band aid or slowly peel it away the pain is still there. You don’t get over it any quicker, it just affects you differently.

Sometimes you just have to let the professionals choose the best course of action and pray that they are right.

So, sleep tight Grandad. It’ll be hard without you but you taught us well and we’ll carry you and your lessons in our hearts forever:

“I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living my Grandad you’ll be”*

Love always – your Katy xxx

To my lovely readers;

Sweet Dreams,

Mama Atzi x

*Words taken and adapted from the Robert Munsch book ‘Love you forever’ www.robertmunsch.com

“Open All Hours”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

Chasing this little guy = 1 super exhausted Mama but sleep versus this face = no contest!

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Fear not fellow sleep deprived parents; I have not abandoned you. You should know by now that my long silences are usually the result of yet another bad sleeping period! And alas I can confirm that I am still very much an exhausted Mama.

It has been approximately 521 nights since our beautiful boy arrived and approximately 520 nights of broken, disturbed sleep.

I reported a midweek miracle not too long ago in which we had a fleeting moment of hope for more sleep filled nights but, as predicted, it was not to last and I can honestly say that is the only time in the 521 days of my darling boy’s existence that I would use the sentence “he slept through the night”. (I friggin’ hate that sentence!!! Even more so in question form!)

For a brief period I did feel like he was genuinely getting better. The milk in the night stopped completely and if he did wake up he would happily have some water or baby tea and go straight off again. I could cope with that. I think we have even had a brief period where he was only waking once.

But then the dreaded teeth started moving again. Dribble by day (literally covered in his own saliva like something out of Ghostbusters which is unbelievable for me as LJ never dribbled a drop!) and at night a little demon. Waking constantly in pain and discomfort. Ye ole faithful Calpol didn’t seem to deter it and only Bonjela on the dummy was enough to get him to doze off again – for a mere 2 hours at a time!

In the Summer though we somehow managed to get into a routine where we could just lie him down in the cot, leave him and he would drop off on his own. Previously he was a complete ‘rock to sleep in our arms baby’ so this felt like a real turning point and then that magical night came and I almost (almost!) let myself believe we had turned a corner but then…..yep, another damn tooth!

Since then we have had good and bad nights again. A horrendous couple of weeks when we got back home after our trip to the UK and then a bit more of a settled period. Recently he has been giving us atleast a bit of an evening before causing chaos in the middle of the night – sometimes literally wanting to get up and play at 3am! But he has atleast maintained a fairly quick routine of being put to bed on his own, and at a decent hour, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much!

The problem with Baby M, however, is that no matter how he sleeps he wakes up early. Usually between 6 and 6.30am and as someone who is really not a morning person it just drains me. And when he has had a particularly bad night and then STILL wakes up at 6am it’s a killer. I am at this time truly grateful to the makers of morning children’s tv and can honestly say I have no guilt whatsoever about switching the tv on – when I can manage to wearily reach for the remote control – and let him sit between us in bed (oh yeah I forgot to mention he rarely makes it to morning in his own bed anymore!) watching cartoons whilst we try to snooze.

I will admit I am very lucky that my darling husband is always on breakfast duty. Sometimes I even get a coffee brought to me! I manage to drag myself up to get the boys dressed (around about the time of the Ritterburg cartoon) and LJ’s stuff sorted for kindergarten and somehow we are out of the house by 7.45. But most mornings it is a blur.

These days I am back home having done the food shop, put the washing on, tidied the kitchen and emptied or stacked the dishwasher by the time I would normally be hitting the snooze button and my brain demanding its first caffeine kick of the day. It makes me laugh to think I used to call 9am early! I can honestly say I have never been so tired.

I used to be a person that was up late into the night. Sometimes not going to bed until 2am, knowing I could get up late. The truth is I probably didn’t get all that much more sleep back then but the point was I was in control of it. If I wanted to go to bed early I could, if I wanted to get up late I could. Now I’m totally at the mercy of my children and it’s hard not being in charge of your own sleep patterns. It’s especially hard feeling so exhausted at 8pm that your body and brain already wants to go to sleep but that stubborn part of you that wants to be in control won’t let you go to bed that early. So instead you sit up watching Netflix or doing work that can probably wait.

At the time of writing this I am sat on a plane on the way to London for work. Child free! I can not wait to sleep. Don’t get me wrong I will miss my babies. I will wonder what they are dong all the time I am not with them but when I snuggle into those bed covers and lay my head down on that pillow I will be smiling. And when my friend’s little girl stirs (which she rarely does to be honest) I will simply roll over and be grateful that for once I don’t have to be the one to get up!

They always say you don’t appreciate things until they’re gone and sleep theft is no exception.

With that in mind though you just have to remember what you would miss more….sleep or your children. I know, sometimes that feels like a tough one!, but sleepless nights is just 1 short (albeit horrendous) period in their lives. Trust me, it took 3 years with LJ but we got there in the end.

When I have a particularly bad night that’s what gets me through. A life without sleep is tough but survivable, a life without my children would not be worth living.

So I’ll enjoy the sleeps I get and revel in moaning about the painfully exhausting nights that are oh, so familiar because in the end pain is good, pain means you’re alive.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x