“The Twilight Saga”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

Throw out the books, don’t hit that search button on Google.  If your question is “how long does teething last?” I will save you the trouble: it’s FOREVER. The ‘experts’ will say it’s only 3-5 days when the tooth is actually breaking through but exhausted Mama’s everywhere will say differently. I know who I believe!

To be honest with you I don’t know if our recent twilight (and midnight, dawn, early morning…) escapades are from teeth or just because my child is the devil incarnate but recently he has been waking up more times than I can count on my fingers and toes combined. After many painful nights it seems to be followed by a slightly better one and the sighting of a pair of molars (or whatever those big ones are called!) poking through.

The truth is, as you know, little M is NOT a good sleeper at the best of times. The breakthrough we had in the Summer, whereby he was atleast going off to sleep on his own and staying that way until around 11pm, thus giving us something of a decent evening, suddenly disappeared one sad winter’s eve and despite my best efforts has not occurred again since**. In fact he’s been worse than ever. Turning into the biggest Mama’s boy I have ever known and needing me to be with him until he is well and truly out cold. The slow step backwards shush-shush shuffle to the door sometimes being the only way I can leave his room without his pin-drop hearing making his head pop up so fast that it roots me to the spot in a second so as not to make him scream blue murder at me for daring to try and leave the room – 1 hour after I entered it!!!! (Ok that might be a slight exaggeration but it feels like an hour). It is a real wonder these days that I have any hair left at all what from 1) all the pregnancy and post pregnancy hormones and 2) all the frustrated hair pulling that is going on right now.

I would like to say it gives me solace that others are sharing my pain; even having a worse time of it with waking up every half an hour and only being comforted by Mum but honestly it doesn’t. Because I understand completely how tough it is and I feel for them as much as I feel for myself.

I see friends who have little or no troubles with their babes sleeping and whilst I am happy for them I am jealous as hell and it just frustrates me because honestly coping with a child that doesn’t sleep for a long period of time just can not be comprehended until you have been there. Like child birth. No matter how many people tell you how much it is going to hurt you truly have no idea until you have done it (survived through a pain that it feels impossible you should).

For me the only way to get through the lack of sleep during these particularly horrendous times is to have a reason. A scapegoat if you like. And for little M it’s teeth (LJ was always having a growth spurt!) Whether he is or isn’t I don’t really know or care but for every night that he is extra awful I will blame it on those pesky, pearly whites. For as long as I can. Even when he has a full set of ’em probably!

And all I can say to my fellow sleep deprived, at the end of your rope Mamas and Papas, is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. LJ’s “growth spurts” did stop and he sleeps like an angel now. Sure it took a while (for some it will be less, for some it will be longer) but your time will come and in the meantime – whilst it’s hard not to be jealous of those friends already sleeping – remember that you are a superstar! Because it’s tough being a Mum. It’s tougher being a Mum that doesn’t sleep.

It’s tough being a working Mum. It’s even tougher being a working Mum that doesn’t sleep.

It’s tough being a working Mum who also does all her own shopping, cleaning, washing, cooking etc. It’s near impossible being a working Mum that does all the housework AND DOES NOT SLEEP!!!!

You get my point anyway.

Trust me, you’re a superstar even on days you feel like you really can’t do it anymore. Like childbirth. You will do it. You will make it through, no matter how much it hurts, because you have to. Because your baby needs you to and you would do anything for your baby.

And if none of that helps, remember this – babies that sleep less grow up to be more intelligent*. One day all that lack of sleep means your baby is going to change the world!

Sweet (albeit short) dreams –

Mama Atzi x

*Based on an article I am pretty sure I read once but could also have been made up by another sleep deprived Mother so don’t take it as gospel. Like I said: Having a reason=Good. Not sleeping=Bad. #copingmechanism

**Since writing the above post I have managed to achieve 3 nights in a row of putting M down to sleep, leaving the room fairly quickly and not be beckoned to return until atleast 11pm. Wooh hooh!! Progress!! (hmmmm For now!)

“Happy New Year”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

I am ashamed to see I haven’t posted properly since October – Bad Exhausted Mama! Fear not though my loyal 4 subscribers, I am here to let you know that I am still alive.

I haven’t been kidnapped by aliens, taken into an insane asylum for sleep deprived parents or converted to Trumpism, I am just genuinely so exhausted and have been so busy with work, German courses and the devil that is my non-sleeping, constantly attached to my leg toddler, that while the words have been whirring around in my head, actually finding the time to sit down and give you all the attention they deserve has been impossible.

So I am just checking in to wish you a very belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ahead. I hope 2017 brings you all the love, happiness, good times and most importantly sleep that you deserve!

Speak soon – I promise!! (Well, I’ll try my very best anyway!)

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“Open All Hours”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

Chasing this little guy = 1 super exhausted Mama but sleep versus this face = no contest!

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Fear not fellow sleep deprived parents; I have not abandoned you. You should know by now that my long silences are usually the result of yet another bad sleeping period! And alas I can confirm that I am still very much an exhausted Mama.

It has been approximately 521 nights since our beautiful boy arrived and approximately 520 nights of broken, disturbed sleep.

I reported a midweek miracle not too long ago in which we had a fleeting moment of hope for more sleep filled nights but, as predicted, it was not to last and I can honestly say that is the only time in the 521 days of my darling boy’s existence that I would use the sentence “he slept through the night”. (I friggin’ hate that sentence!!! Even more so in question form!)

For a brief period I did feel like he was genuinely getting better. The milk in the night stopped completely and if he did wake up he would happily have some water or baby tea and go straight off again. I could cope with that. I think we have even had a brief period where he was only waking once.

But then the dreaded teeth started moving again. Dribble by day (literally covered in his own saliva like something out of Ghostbusters which is unbelievable for me as LJ never dribbled a drop!) and at night a little demon. Waking constantly in pain and discomfort. Ye ole faithful Calpol didn’t seem to deter it and only Bonjela on the dummy was enough to get him to doze off again – for a mere 2 hours at a time!

In the Summer though we somehow managed to get into a routine where we could just lie him down in the cot, leave him and he would drop off on his own. Previously he was a complete ‘rock to sleep in our arms baby’ so this felt like a real turning point and then that magical night came and I almost (almost!) let myself believe we had turned a corner but then…..yep, another damn tooth!

Since then we have had good and bad nights again. A horrendous couple of weeks when we got back home after our trip to the UK and then a bit more of a settled period. Recently he has been giving us atleast a bit of an evening before causing chaos in the middle of the night – sometimes literally wanting to get up and play at 3am! But he has atleast maintained a fairly quick routine of being put to bed on his own, and at a decent hour, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much!

The problem with Baby M, however, is that no matter how he sleeps he wakes up early. Usually between 6 and 6.30am and as someone who is really not a morning person it just drains me. And when he has had a particularly bad night and then STILL wakes up at 6am it’s a killer. I am at this time truly grateful to the makers of morning children’s tv and can honestly say I have no guilt whatsoever about switching the tv on – when I can manage to wearily reach for the remote control – and let him sit between us in bed (oh yeah I forgot to mention he rarely makes it to morning in his own bed anymore!) watching cartoons whilst we try to snooze.

I will admit I am very lucky that my darling husband is always on breakfast duty. Sometimes I even get a coffee brought to me! I manage to drag myself up to get the boys dressed (around about the time of the Ritterburg cartoon) and LJ’s stuff sorted for kindergarten and somehow we are out of the house by 7.45. But most mornings it is a blur.

These days I am back home having done the food shop, put the washing on, tidied the kitchen and emptied or stacked the dishwasher by the time I would normally be hitting the snooze button and my brain demanding its first caffeine kick of the day. It makes me laugh to think I used to call 9am early! I can honestly say I have never been so tired.

I used to be a person that was up late into the night. Sometimes not going to bed until 2am, knowing I could get up late. The truth is I probably didn’t get all that much more sleep back then but the point was I was in control of it. If I wanted to go to bed early I could, if I wanted to get up late I could. Now I’m totally at the mercy of my children and it’s hard not being in charge of your own sleep patterns. It’s especially hard feeling so exhausted at 8pm that your body and brain already wants to go to sleep but that stubborn part of you that wants to be in control won’t let you go to bed that early. So instead you sit up watching Netflix or doing work that can probably wait.

At the time of writing this I am sat on a plane on the way to London for work. Child free! I can not wait to sleep. Don’t get me wrong I will miss my babies. I will wonder what they are dong all the time I am not with them but when I snuggle into those bed covers and lay my head down on that pillow I will be smiling. And when my friend’s little girl stirs (which she rarely does to be honest) I will simply roll over and be grateful that for once I don’t have to be the one to get up!

They always say you don’t appreciate things until they’re gone and sleep theft is no exception.

With that in mind though you just have to remember what you would miss more….sleep or your children. I know, sometimes that feels like a tough one!, but sleepless nights is just 1 short (albeit horrendous) period in their lives. Trust me, it took 3 years with LJ but we got there in the end.

When I have a particularly bad night that’s what gets me through. A life without sleep is tough but survivable, a life without my children would not be worth living.

So I’ll enjoy the sleeps I get and revel in moaning about the painfully exhausting nights that are oh, so familiar because in the end pain is good, pain means you’re alive.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“Hope Springs”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

A Midweek Miracle:

Stop the press. I have front page news. Last night, Little M actually slept for…..wait for it….are you excited??….8 hours and 40minutes straight!!! I woke up at 2am for a LJ toilet trip and the little beaut was still soundo. He came into bed with me at 4.40am, had a drink and then slept until 7.07am and I woke up feeling, well, almost human. There was certainly no springing from the bed and bursting into Disney inspired song about what a beautiful morning it is but definitely more ‘Sleeping Beauty’ than ‘Night of the Living Dead’!

After some horrendous (teeth fueled!) nights, and a couple of “good ones” that still consisted of atleast 4 hourly wake-up calls, I think this has to be considered the most successful night of sleep in the long sixteen and half months of restless nights so far!!

I post this not to gloat; believe me, even if he started sleeping soundly through every night I would never throw that in any exhausted Mother’s face because I know the pain it causes!

I am sure it is a one off and I am sure it will be another few months, if not more, before I am celebrating such a night again. I certainly won’t be throwing out the match sticks or starting a caffeine detox anytime soon but the main thing from this night is the knowledge that there actually is some HOPE. Other wisely Mums told me it was possible but I will admit my faith was beginning to wane.

I won’t make the mistake of trying to recreate the night from before – that never seems to work – I will allow fate to take it’s course and see what tonight brings but for now atleast I can enjoy the sun and the day ahead with my beautiful boys feeling atleast a little bit more energised than usual!

Are you experiencing a midweek miracle or still praying for one? Join the chat on Facebook.

 

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“Girl, Interrupted”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

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So firstly folks I do apologise for the delay in posting. As you know we recently made another trip home to the UK to see my family. I had hoped this one might be a little more successful than the last but I think it might have been even worse!! Of course it was wonderful catching up with friends and family as always and the trip certainly started well.

The boys were both good as gold on the flight over and the first weekend was spent celebrating Baby M’s Christening which was really lovely.

We did get some lovely days in – visiting friends, play dates, a trip to the beach, the Sealife centre and Monsters Soft play – but the following weekends were spent working for me and were pretty intense with cover teaching and dance school exams in London. Meanwhile both boys seemed to get hit with a tummy bug and Baby M decided this was a good time to get another tooth which is never fun! Sleep wise Baby M napped pretty well and on schedule if not always for really long and was also good going to bed but throughout the night he was pretty atrocious. I guess with hindsight we can put it down to that big top tooth coming through but once again it was not fun to be dealing with him alone. Especially with LJ waking up from bad dreams and also wanting to come into bed with me, something he hasn’t done for a long time.

But that is something I am once again learning about babies and now big brothers. That they just have a sixth sense about things. They know when your mind is on something else (i.e the big dance exam session you have coming up) and they know when something is going on that requires your attention to be more on the baby than the big bro.

The most apt example of this being when we tried to arrange a repeat of the fantastic naming party we had with the girls before Baby M was born (I had obviously forgotten that LJ stayed in Vienna with his Papa and Baby M was not yet a wonderful disruption on our hearts).

It went something like this……

I don’t get much time to myself. To just be me, rather than a Mother or Wife, so when I get the opportunity to spend time with friends, without children, it is special. Just for a little while it is nice, and important, to just to be Katy instead of Mama or Mrs Atzi.

And I feel very lucky to have a wonderful group of friends who I grew up with in one way or another and who are still my friends 30 years later. We have shared school, pantomimes, dance classes, Brownies, swim lessons, Sunday school, trips abroad, caravan holidays, injuries and illnesses, weddings, house warmings, birthdays and babies and every so often when I am back at my Mum’s we try to get together. Either a meal out or at someone’s house.

This particular nights was one of those get togethers. We had planned a Girls Night In at my Mums with food, drinks (a bit of Prosecco) and some games – silly quizzes and the like.

Baby M and LJ had been no bother going to bed for the last week at my Mums or in fact for the last month or longer at home but of course on the one night that we need them to play ball and go to sleep at their normal time it all goes wrong!

First Baby M had a later than usual afternoon nap, despite being exhausted at his usual time he fought it tooth and nail, eventually falling asleep in the car on the way home. Needless to say this meant he wasn’t quite so sleepy in the evening but he was still ready for bed at 7.15pm so all seemed on track still. Then, out of no-where, he pukes up his entire bottle of milk! All over himself and all over me and my nice outfit ready for the evening. Luckily he still was sleepy enough to go off but by now we are 50 minutes behind schedule.

Next comes LJ. My golden boy. He had welcomed all the girls, played nicely while we chatted and said a lovely goodnight to everyone. Now LJ likes you to lie with him until he falls asleep but normally this is fine because he literally falls asleep within minutes. We have a story, a nice cuddle and he’s gone. He was so tired – he had been rubbing his eyes before going upstairs – but no this night he decided to just lie there WIDE AWAKE!

I tried singing, cuddling, going to the toilet and hoping to come back and find him sleeping, I told him I would just go downstairs if he didn’t sleep soon. He squeezed his eyes so tight in a bid to make himself fall asleep but still he just lay there clutching onto me for dear life. I guess in his mind he believes we stay with him for most of the night when he’s asleep but because there were people downstairs he knew I was going to leave him as soon as he fell asleep.

I could hear everyone chatting and laughing downstairs, ok 5 more minutes, but then I heard them get up the table, plates and cutlery clanging, starting to get annoyed now – I wanted to do a game before we got to the table, another 5 minutes he’s still wide awake and I am getting really angry as I am missing the evening. I tell him I am going down anyway. The water works start. Proper hyper-ventilating crying. My Mum comes up and tells me to just go down but now I am upset and stressed and angry and feel like a terrible Mother, embarrassed to go down and quite frankly by this point my appetite is completely gone.

I do go down in the end as I need to calm down. My Dad comes down and says he’s sleeping already but when my Mum hasn’t reappeared 10 minutes later I know this was just a lie to encourage me to eat!

Back up I go and eventually he falls asleep. I did not hear another peep out of him all night. Grrrrrrrrr!!

Alas, after this trauma the rest of the night was child-free, happy and relaxed. Of course I saw Baby M several times later in the night but the bottle of Prosecco helped me cope with that and now we have another story to share.

The moral of which is don’t plan a night with friends expecting to rely on your usually reliable children. They sense something and always react. Next time I will make sure hubby is there to manage the boys while the girls have fun.

On a positive note it was lovely to see LJ wanting Nana to take him up to bed and read him stories and Baby M dancing away in Grandad’s music room. On a personal note I was very proud of my teachers and pupils in how smooth the exams ran and I got to be judge of a dance contest which showcased some amazing talent plus a successful girly shopping and lunch trip sealed me as a buddy of my best friend’s daughter at last! ;0)

So actually apart from the lack of sleep (well what else is new?!) and the crazy, busy work stuff, on paper, it sounds better than I remember! But next time, just in case, I definitely won’t be organising our visit solely around work. Next trip to Nana’s is going to be for fun, family and friends only! The way it should be.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x