No need for the DEA, or atleast not unless they have a Wine Enforcement Unit, but someone might want to call the Mama Police because for the last week or so I have let Little M sleep in my arms at nap time! Gasp, shock, quick get that rod out for her back….
Possibly not the best idea I know but he’s gone from having half an hour only naps to sleeping up to 2 hours at a time which means I have actually been able to get some rest too. Something I have really needed recently!
And I have been able to put him down next to me on the sofa or bed (heavily barricaded by cushions of course) to go for a coffee or get some work done. Still I know this can’t go on forever. Can it?! And slowly I had better wean him back into his cot. Maybe just a few more episodes of ‘Suits’ first….
It has got me thinking about how he sleeps though. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t like his cot it’s just that he still hasn’t learnt to self-soothe so by sleeping next to me I am there when he stirs and can respond quick enough for him to stay asleep. That means 2 things need to happen if I want him to stay in his cot for a longer sleep and most importantly if I want him to “sleep through the night” (an exhausted Mama’s favourite words!!), either
1) I need to get to him when he stirs quicker than I am (well that’s not gonna happen. I am a walking zombie in the night, I waddle like a marshmallow on Xanax) or
2) I need to ‘train’ him to ‘self-soothe’ but since both those terms give me the chills we may be back to square one here. Answers on a postcard please….
Whatever the case I once again feel like a bad Mother. It happens a lot.
Every time I give my baby a bottle the paediatrician says he doesn’t need, I feel like a bad Mother.
Every time my baby wakes up through the night when I know my friends’ babies sleep, I feel like a bad Mother.
Every time I see someone breastfeed their baby when I no longer can, I feel like a bad Mother.
Every time I put my baby down and he cries, I feel like a bad Mother.
Every time I see a new bruise on my son’s leg, I feel like a bad Mother.
But every time I walk into Kindergarten and hear my son shout ‘Mama!’ as he runs towards me, I feel like an amazing Mother.
And every time Little M reaches out his arms for me just because he wants to give me a cuddle I feel like I am doing something right.
And that is the wonderful thing about Motherhood because in a world where you can do 100 things right and only focus and stress over the 1 thing you got wrong when it comes to being a Mama every bad, difficult, stressful thing is wiped out with that 1 uplifting moment. That’s why a baby can keep you up all night and make you feel like you want to shoot yourself yet all they have to do is smile at you in a way that makes you feel like a superhero and all is forgiven.
I guess it all starts at birth. I mean, serial killers are locked up for life for causing less pain but yet we forgive these tiny strangers (supposedly forget – I’m still working on it!) the second they are placed in our arms. I don’t think anyone can understand that rush of love you feel until it happens to you but suddenly your life is not your own. There is something more important than anything else in the world and immediately you become their protectors. You would die for them. And yet you have just met. That is unconditional love at first sight. And our children are the only ones we feel that for.
Sometimes we will doubt ourselves and whether we are able to do this. Sometimes we will be judged for the things we do or don’t do (like letting baby sleep in our arms ;0) but always remember that no-one else can do what you do.
Only you can make the decision as to whether your baby needs that feed, only you can make your child feel safe when they wake up in the night, only you can provide your baby with what they need, only you can truly comfort your baby and when they are in pain or sad, or just proud of their new ‘war wound’, a child will always reach out for their Mama.
So call the Mama police if you must but I’m pretty sure our babies won’t press charges because when all is said and done only you can make your baby smile like that or cause your son to shout your name as he runs into your arms. You are their world as much as they are yours.
So whenever you feel like a bad Mother tell your children you love them. I bet you get the response you’re looking for. Whether it be a look, a smile or the most wonderful words in the world: I love you too Mama.
No judge or jury can ever take that away from you.
(And if not you can always crack open the wine!)
Sweet Dreams –
Mama Atzi x
