“Cheers!”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

I can’t believe it’s almost 2 weeks since my dry month ended and I never even posted about it!!

I think because in the end – just like many things (hmmmph Brexit) it was rather anti-climatic and didn’t actually give me what I was looking for. Or so I thought!

I certainly felt the benefits in certain physical ways. Coincidence or not there is no denying my nails are better and my back that used to constantly give me a pain in my spine has barely given me a twinge since I stopped drinking. The fact I have low vitamin D anyway and alcohol can inhibit this shows there is most definitely a link there. I will be watching this closely as I begin to indulge more in alcoholic beverages again.

However, I can not honestly say I feel any more energetic for drinking less and I am most certainly no more ready for action first thing in the mornings as before.

Where the positive improvement has laid though is in my mindset. I have realised throughout this period that actually what my Dad always says is true when it comes to a healthy lifestyle: everything in moderation and that the positivity I have been craving comes not from the giving up of something but more the mindset that it creates.

I am generally feeling more positive and as a result more content and happy but it’s not because of not drinking or doing more work outs; it is because I was motivated to make those changes in the first place and determined to stick to something and see it through – regardless of the outcome.

I was disappointed not to have rock hard abs or sudden unending energy by the end of the month but that outcome in itself has led to me discovering other things about myself – ie I really am never going to be a morning person and that perhaps my tummy muscles did not repair as they should have done after Little M was born and therefore I need to be more careful in how I work to improve them now.

As often is the case it has been a reminder that these things are as much about the journey as the destination. But I also learnt that this was not a single mission but one that I need to keep learning from.

And I think that’s why I haven’t gotten around to actually posting about the end of my #ExhaustedMamaMission because for me it hasn’t actually ended. I have learnt a great deal of things about myself, my attitude and my body during this past month and I plan to keep learning and hopefully improving myself and my life as a result.

When it came to the day I was able to drink again it was strange because I realised I didn’t actually really want a drink.

I had a gin and tonic (because that was the last drink I had before starting this) but the truth is I was lucky enough to be spending the evening having a (very) belated Christmas meal with my lovely colleagues in London and that’s actually all I needed.

It’s been both good and bad to realise my nightly wine drinking had simply become a habit of normalcy – the so called Mummy Wine Culture I didn’t even realise I was part of!

The horrific couple of hangovers I have had since drinking a bit again (and it’s only been a few drinks on weekend ladies nights aswell!) show my poor liver certainly needed the break.

From my side, I feel the occasional drink to relieve a bit of stress or just let yourself unwind a bit is not something to write home about but when it becomes a habit rather than something to actually enjoy then it is a worry. Maybe even a cry for help. Certainly a sign that something else in your life probably needs addressing.

I am going to continue to enjoy my double bubbles (that is my baths with Prosecco) but because I want to not just because and certainly not because I need to.

The best bit about starting to drink again was that it coincided with being in London and having the chance for a well overdue night out with one of my favourite people in this whole world. However, just as with the meal with my girls the night before I realised that it was not the Prosecco that make our time together!

Don’t get me wrong I loved our glass of fizz as we were getting ready but I enjoyed the feeling of being back in our cruise ship days and getting ready for a night onshore all the more!

We totally indulged that night but not in drinks (though drinks were had), in life! In doing what we love – being with our friends, eating great food, seeing a West End show and just talking!!

Life is all about moments. And that night we had some amazing moments! Having a nice drink to go with them was a lovely compliment to a magical evening – not something that was required to ensure we had a good time.

It’s about the quality not the quantity.

Having completed my #ExhaustedMamaMission and feeling that I really had achieved something – even if it wasn’t what I expected – I decided to re-read Marie Kondo’s ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying’. I loved this book the first time round and am still following it within my household but this time I loved it even more. I finished it in less than 2 short plane journeys and found myself crying because once again the points she makes in this book and the feeling I achieved in putting KonMari method into action is exactly how I was feeling after my mission. I had been looking for the positive in life and realised that I have it with me all along. I just have to have the right mindset.

Marie says “I can think of no greater happiness in life than to be surrounded by the things I love. How about you? All you need to do is to get rid of anything that doesn’t touch your heart like this. There is no simpler way to contentment. What else could this be called but the magic of tidying’?”

It is exactly this feeling that can be applied to anything in life – not just physical things in your home but anything that does not, as Marie Kondo says, “spark joy”.

By discarding the habitual drinking I can appreciate my double bubbles even more but more importantly I know, as I always have really, that it is the family get togethers, the ladies nights and the non-stop catch ups with my besties that are the things that really bring the happiness.

My plan now is to listen to all my instincts that have come out in my various New Years resolutions since starting this blog and try harder to follow the lessons I have learnt as a result of putting them into action.

Slow down….failing isn’t failure …..the lows are as important as the highs …..never stop learning…..acceptance is not giving up control …..face your fears….spark joy ….savour the moments ….. surround yourself with what you love …. you do you!

I know I will slip, just as I know there will be nights when I pour a glass of wine I probably do not need or want but that’s all part of the journey in the end anyway!

Thank you all for supporting me through this mini mission. Onwards and upwards as always I hope! 😘

Cheers!

Mama Atzi x

“Mirror Mirror”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

I don’t need to ask my mirror who is the fairest of them all because I already know it is most definitely NOT me! 

Laughter lines aside what I hate seeing the most when I look in the mirror these days (which in all honesty is not that often since a mirror cracking brings 7 years bad luck) is the weird sprouting grey hairs that seem to have accumulated in the oddest of places. I mean like really weird. It’s as if these silver spikes have deliberately protruded out of every flaw you already have a complex about just to laugh in your face. The bald patches, weird horn like tufts of hair and new tiny sprouts that for some reason occur during pregnancy and then just NEVER LEAVE (despite my floors being covered in enough lost hair to make a carpet) are suddenly adorned by greyness. I mean, honestly, how can parts of your head be bald AND grey at the same time. That’s just not fair! 

It’s had me crying, “I’m sooooo old”! at my reflection, which in turn prompted LJ to cry so hard he almost hyperventilated because he equates being old with death and thought that meant I was going to drop down dead at any moment. And quite frankly by this point I wasn’t sure I could confidently persuade him otherwise. Silver was supposedly THE hair colour of the year in 2019 but you know what? I call BS coz I don’t see anything fashionable or sexy about this fifty shades of grey and my son definitely wasn’t buying it either! 

I suddenly felt like I was headed on the downhill part of my “journey of life” and it all occurred on my last birthday. 

It felt like turning 38 had triggered an old age bomb within me. I could hear and feel it ticking away inside – causing me to age (badly I might add) with every tock! 

35 was always my “scary age” for some reason, and I guess I should have felt grateful for those 3 extra “good years”, because seriously the day, in fact the minute, I turned 38 it all really did start to go down hill! 

My muscles became more weary, the bags under my eyes appeared darker, the lines on my face even deeper, the grey hairs harder to hide and just everything in general suddenly seemed to take far more effort than it did mere hours earlier! My bones physically hurt and just getting out of the bed in the morning felt like waking up from a major operation. And I wasn’t exactly the most spritely thing of a morning as it was!

It felt like I had hit midlife crisis mode. And I suppose if that means I have 38 years left it’s not really that bad – hopefully that gives me time to see my boys get married and meet my grandchildren (even if I can’t lift them!) – but somehow this new found exhaustion really got me feeling rather depressed. 

By Christmas 2019 I was pretty much on the verge of burn-out. And granted I got myself involved in organising a Christmas event that took up way more time and caused way more stress than it needed to but we pulled that off and usually all that stress and excitement, as hard as it is at the time, is what I thrive off and would have been enough to send me through to the New Year on a high – especially knowing that it had helped raise a huge amount of money for charity – but it didn’t. It was completely anti-climatic and almost took the joy out of Christmas for me because I was, as I said, genuinely on the verge of burn-out and 100% owning my Exhausted Mama status. 

That is when I realised that this year’s new year resolution had to be about looking after myself more and getting back the happy. 

Sometimes I think we Mamas spend so much time trying to make sure everyone around us has what they need and want and that they are happy and healthy; that we totally and utterly neglect ourselves in the process. 

The problem is that when we are not happy or healthy ourselves how does that help anyone? 

I really started to feel like I’d lost myself somewhere along the way. It took me back to my “Remember Me” post but this time it was worse because I felt like I was also losing the Mama part of me. I was no longer seeing the lines on my face as memories of the fun and laughter I had shared with my boys but simply imprints of stress and worry and I felt like I was failing everyone. Including myself. 

Yet I still wasn’t helping myself either. I had got into this weird self-destructive, angry place. I felt like I had the opportunity to do something special here. To expand my business and create something that would be beneficial both for me personally but also ultimately for my family and yet, whilst it seemed to be right there for the taking, something was still holding me back. My fear of failure and the reality of the risks involved – financially and emotionally, my husband, my children, my lack of self-esteem….something. And that made me angry and grumpy and frustrated. My fuse was at times so short that I was picking arguments with my husband more than ever but still finding myself unable to really tell him what I was feeling and why I was so pissed off all the time. 

And I was binging more Netflix than ever in a desperate bid to switch my brain off but ending up simply losing more sleep as a result! 

I realised that I had hit a kind of wall. No matter which angle I came at it from, how high I jumped, how much rope I tried to throw, I was not getting over that wall. 

So I did what the ‘wine mummy culture’ would expect of me – I poured myself a glass of wine and tried to ignore the wall and concentrate on the needs of my kids and husband instead. 

But then I got thinking about how every time I am overworked or overstressed or feeling a little bit too homesick my answer was indeed to pour a glass of wine and take a bath in order to just get on with it again the next day. 

According to an article in The Washington Post* online studies show that women, especially those in their 30’s and 40’s, are drinking more than ever. And I can full on believe it. 

The occasional after-work glass of wine was turning into a regular thing and the de-stressing bubble bath with “extra bubbles” to unwind were becoming far more common too. 

Back to my Netflix obsession and it was clear every other 30 something woman was doing that same thing – making it justified. 

But slowly the ‘acceptable’ time to pour that first glass was getting earlier and earlier (it’s 6pm somewhere right?!) and it was fast becoming a habit and, what’s worse, one that seemed normal because that’s what all the stressed out, over worked, exhausted Mamas were doing. 

Enter New Year Resolution season and it seemed the perfect time to curb the drinking and, in the process, put the focus on myself to find the happy. For once in my life I wanted to be positive and look ahead by making simple changes to help get what I wanted and hopefully keep the stress away in the first place, rather than going through the motions and relying on finding ways (like wine and baths) to relieve the stress. 

Enter Dry January and the #ExhaustedMamaMission. You can follow my exploits here: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=3659816844058701&id=1167362226637521

Now I don’t pretend to know much about this supposed ‘Sober Curious’ movement.  For me it was pure coincidence that, just as I decide to “go sober” for a while, this has apparently become a “thing”. But having done a bit of research in writing this blog post (I know, professional right?!) it seems I am not the only one intrigued in seeing if life with a bit less alcohol can indeed be better! I can assure you that I have no interest in doing this to be cool or follow the crowd – apparently the “millennial generation has embraced sober curious culture and has actually made sobriety more culturally acceptable”** whatever that means! 

I just want to take responsibility for my own happiness for a change and stop relying on others (or a glass of wine and a bath tub) to make me feel good. I want to get a bit fitter and a bit healthier and since exercise is linked to the release of endorphins (the “feel good” chemicals) hopefully happier and more positive too. 

So for once in my life, instead of continuing to half-heartedly try climbing that wall so I could put on this false bravado that of course I am ambitious, of course I can make it over the other side. I decided that maybe this time I would instead look at the bigger picture and accept that perhaps it is simply not my time to get over that wall just yet. That perhaps, right now, it was enough to know that there is, potentially, something special waiting for me on the other side (and my gut instincts tell me there is) and when I am really ready for it, instead of having to fight my way over I will have the knowledge and the expertise in place to simply knock through that wall and walk with confidence and conviction through it. (Well, I sound convincing anyway don’t I?)

I said in my “About Time” post that accepting what you can not control is truly a liberating feeling. There are so many quotes out there about not worrying about the things you can not control and instead focusing on the things you can. It is a hard thing to stop yourself worrying though and in all honesty something like that is quite often an innate part of your personality so you are never going to truly be able to ‘switch off’ the natural born worrier in you but I have really learnt that it is not so much the worrying but the accepting of those things that is the key to being calmer and therefore happier. 

Accepting my Grandad had died was and still is the hardest part of that grief journey and there’s some days still now, almost 3 years later, that I revert back to that feeling and am not able to accept he has gone. That any of my Grandparents have gone. That first true bout of grief has changed me forever. 

You all know too how hard I fought not to give up hope that my babies would sleep but it was only when I truly accepted that this was something I couldn’t control and they were simply not good sleepers (and I don’t care about any Ferber or Gina Ford fans who disagree – you do you) that I personally, FINALLY, felt some peace about this rather horrendous part of our parental journey. 

And that is the key here too. I needed to accept that some things right now were not going to change (ie my dreams of my own dance studios) but that other things could and should (ie me being happier with my current situation and enjoying and building on what I have now) and that by doing that those dreams would not be lost but simply postponed. 

So here we are. 

25 days sober (that sounds weird) and feeling somewhat “different” though my ‘sober curiosity’ has not been peaked enough to fully join the movement. The work outs have not been quite as daily as I had hoped having now settled back into the reality of school, Kiga and work but I am definitely on it more than I was and am finding out new things about my body, including the fact that I think regaining my pre-baby belly is going to be much more complicated than I first thought (more to follow on that in a future post!) 

I do feel more positive though and I am definitely being more pro-active. I think that’s more to my new mindset than the actual sober part to be honest. I have always been a pretty determined person and when I want something and put my mind to it I usually do get it or atleast work very hard to do my best. I still procrastinate too much – small steps and all that – but it is getting better and I am no longer simply getting through the day until I can chill with a glass of wine. 

The worst thing about this dry January is the boredom I have felt. Which just sounds terrible. Maybe it’s again coincidental that it’s happening whilst term is quite sorted and things are running fairly smoothly. I am on top of upcoming trips that have been planned and in between stuff at the moment, which means I don’t have any major projects in the works. Plus things were so crazy busy before Christmas that anything after that was going to seem slow. But it really feels like some evenings I am wondering what to do with myself because I can’t have a drink to while away the time before bed! Slippery slope….

So that needs working on for sure because I do not want to go back to having a drink because it’s something to do. I haven’t wanted it or needed it this last month and as easy as it is to slip back into old habits I am determined not to. Don’t get me wrong I am looking forward to having a nice drink again (because I genuinely love the taste of wine – if someone could just make a decent non-alcoholic version all would be simple!) and especially in a sociable setting – to quote Joey “if a blind man gets back his sight does he walk around {with his arms outstretched}” – but it should also be something that is enjoyed rather than a ‘just because’ and it most definitely should not be to make my life feel better than it is. 

I have also realised that my vitamin d deficiency may actually be related to my alcohol consumption. Another quite scary thought really.  But in the last week or so my nails have really grown and become stronger – something I have not had since pregnancy (and I am definitely not with child!) and the pain I used to feel almost constantly at the bottom of my spine has also had some relief. Of course I am also feeling a bit less anxious and stressed at the moment and working out more, especially on my core, so it may all be linked to that (or it may not!) It will be interesting to see after this period what happens. 

One thing I have not gained though is a ‘the sun is up so I must be up’ personality and honestly I don’t think my energy levels have improved in any particular positive way so I guess I have some more accepting to do (ie that my body is simply now that of an older person who is also a working Mother) and learn to get on with it. 

No matter what happens though I am determined to continue with a more positive outlook on everything and knowing that sometimes I will slip and some days will have a more negative vibe than others but if I try my best to hold onto the things that ‘spark joy’ and let go of the things that don’t – and especially those that I can not control anyway – I will realise that failing is not the same as failure and that however “old” I might be feeling it is actually a privilege that not everyone gets to experience. So, onwards and upwards my fellow exhausted Mamas and Papas. We got this!

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x 

*by Caitlin Gibson, July 7th 2019

https://www.google.at/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/mothers-are-drinking-more-than-ever-but-the-sober-curious-movement-challenges-wine-mom-culture/2019/07/05/93351576-9cec-11e9-b27f-ed2942f73d70_story.html%3foutputType=amp

**From an article for Very Well Mind by Sarah Sheppard, updated November 27th 2019

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-sober-curious-4774971

 ^A term coined by tidying expert Marie Kondo and the KonMari Method (TM)

“About Time”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

So I think we have established that if there was a prize for taking THE longest time between publishing posts I would be top blogger by far! Luckily, I write this blog for my own release – and attempt to remain sane during the particularly exhausting parts of Motherhood – and in the hopes it makes a few parents in similar situations feel a little better and not as a career. And let’s face it life would be even more exhausting if I was relying on my blogging skills to keep my family alive since we clearly would not be able to afford food, electricity or, more importantly these days, Red Bull!

Still, as we are 4 years in to the #Brexit debacle and STILL no sign of a deal I hope you will forgive me for taking my time too – and I promise that is the last time I will mention the B word! (In this post atleast!)

Quite a lot has happened since my last post and at this point I must say that, honestly, most of 2018 is somewhat of a blur! I can definitely tell you, I became a proud Auntie, twice! Both girls! A role I must say I love. Mostly because you get to enjoy the cuddles and the cute bits whilst handing them back at the point of crying, pooey nappies or general grumpiness! But also because I finally get to buy girly clothes and toys!

I also know that the year ended in one of the best UK Christmasses we have had but all things that go up must come down and sadly 2019 started off the same as 2017 as we lost my Grandad in January. 

Although I prepared myself this time round and could put a name to that foggy haze of grief when it hit, I have been filled, as last time, with those awful feelings of guilt and regret, wishing I could have, and knowing I should have, spent more time and effort visiting him.

It doesn’t matter that the costs of travelling regularly from Vienna to the North East of England are rather beyond me or that I have been working and setting up a business as well as raising 2 children, one of whom is now at school and therefore not so easy to just fly over to the UK regularly, those feelings of regret will always be there.

I can’t change the past though – as much as I would like to – but I can make sure to spend more time doing the things that give me “joy” (to coin Marie Kondo’s term^) and less time worrying about the other things which, I hope, will ultimately help to get rid of those feelings of regret and guilt. I think when it comes to the people you love there will never be ‘enough’ time anyway so all you can really do is try to spend the time you do have in the best way you can. Quality over quantity so to speak. In a nutshell, time goes quick (as we have seen) so make the most of it! 

So on to the matter at hand, i.e. being an exhausted Mama….

Since last writing I have a 3 year old!!! (Actually by now he’s nearly 4!) I know – where did that year go right?! I told you time moves fast! 

Not only that; we are out of nappies (by day) – wooh hooh! We have amazingly slept through the night more than once – wooh hooh! And we are actually somewhat conversing – wooh hooh! (Although he still prefers speaking in German. Both amusing – when he’s talking to my Mum who doesn’t understand a word – and annoying – when he’s talking to my Mum at 7am in the morning and I have to shout to translate!!) 

Despite all of that we are still absolutely 100% exhausted!!! Because turns out that unlike LJ who really became an angel once he hit 3, Little M takes the terrible 3’s (or are we now technically into what I am calling the FFS 4’s?!) to a whole new level. 

If it wasn’t such a serious status these days one might even refer to him as a miniature terrorist. His favourite word is ‘Nein’ usually said with the most evil of faces you will ever see on a cherub like 3 year old. If we go left he goes right. He would happily go to Kiga in his Pyjamas everyday. He’s the child that sees the Naughty Step as a fun place to be and pretty much would live off Kinder Eggs and carbohydrates if you let him! He idolises his brother and wakes up every morning either on a rampage to find LJ or in absolute tears because he has already gone to school. 

Despite being a ‘the sun is up so I have to be up’ kind of person he is the grumpiest of kids in the morning ever. Now we all know I am no morning person but surely if you believe the sun is your cue to get up you should have some kind of sunny disposition to go with that…?! Kids and logic never did go well together though did they?

We have also seen 7 year old tears and tantrums as the reality of homework sets in and the trauma of learning to read has been something I did not ever expect (or know how to deal with!) – being someone that loved school and could always read beyond my years from an early age. Still, I can also sleep through anything (earthquakes, hurricanes, children screaming for more milk, toddlers jumping on your head….) and like to eat everything so I guess not sharing my educational feelings should not come as a major surprise either!

A few lessons from Super Nanny* did get us into a relatively calm period for a while. The cutting down on tv, chocolate, use of Mama’s phone and finding fun ways to do additional reading work has proved, as is often the case, that the simple answers are usually the best ones. 

And sleep wise things have also been looking up…

I don’t know whether it’s just been my new outlook on life and dedication to Sarah Knight’s^^ method of “getting my shit together” and “not giving a f*&k” about the things I don’t want to, i.e. getting up in the middle of the night for anything other than illness, bad dreams or potential kidnapping, that has led me to believe Little M has been generally sleeping better or whether he really has been but either way, for the most part, I do feel a little like things on the sleep front have improved. 

Which is good, because I am soooo over the not sleeping thing! It was bad enough that I was promised with baby 1 that he would sleep once he started eating solids then, failing that, he would sleep when he hit 6 months old….then when he walks……when he starts Kindergarten……when he hits 2……. blah blah blah. If you’re taking the time to read this then I imagine you know the drill! 

Well, he was 3 years old! It coincided with (finally) giving up the dummy. So, with baby no.2, although I of course held onto a hope it would be “different this time” (cue more baby advice: number 2 is always easier and you only get 1 bad sleeper! INSERT “heard it all before so please shut up” emoji here) I also knew that chances are we wouldn’t. 

I did not, however, expect it to be worse!

When we got rid of the dummies (earlier than we did with LJ) I really thought this would be it and when it wasn’t I convinced my self it would happen when he turned 3. After all, Little M had never really woken BECAUSE of the dummies so there was no reason for there to be a clear link between that and him sleeping through. What I should have considered is, that since we could never really put a finger on why he woke up (beyond the new baby period when he needed milk) that there was no reason to expect when he turned 3 he would miraculously work out that reason for himself and leave us to it!

The night we blew out those 3 birthday candles I smugly thought this was going to be it but of course it wasn’t. So I finally succumbed to my husband’s acceptance** that he was not going to sleep through and nothing we could do would change that. I must say it is quite liberating taking control of what you can’t control. And somehow it has got better. Somehow, without really noticing – maybe because by this point I am so exhausted I just don’t even know what is going on anymore – he’s sleeping. I can’t call it “sleeping through” because it’s not regular but he is sleeping!

So it seems acceptance is the key after all. I always took it as a sign of weakness. Like accepting meant you were giving in. But since I have been on this “get your shit together” quest I have realised that accepting is something you actually do out of choice and is therefore a sign you are in control instead of something being in control of you. By deciding enough was enough and realising that “get up for whinging child” should only be on my ‘must do’ list in the case of illness, bad dream or potential kidnapping, life and more importantly nights, have become decidedly better and so has my mood (honestly, it has!) 

So it seems those ‘5 stages of grief’ guys were right after all and in the case of sleeping so was my husband (just don’t tell him I said that!)

We still have our sleep dramas – more on the traumas of actually getting the kids into their respective beds next time which I hope, rather than promise, will be sooner than 2020! 

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

 

References: 

^Marie Kondo – The Japanese tidying expert, star of Netflix show “Tidying up with Marie Kondo” and best-selling author who wants to spark joy with the KonMari Method.

www.konmari.com 

Book- The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing”

^^Sarah Knight – Anti-Guru, creator of the NotSorry Method and best-selling author of books aimed at Mental Decluttering and taking manageable steps to changing your life

Books referenced – “Get Your Shit Together” and “The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k”

*www.supernanny.co.uk

** see ”Sleepless in Schwechat” http://www.exhaustedmamaclub.com/?p=46