“The Nightmare Before Christmas”

Mama Atzi / / 2 Comments

What a year. So I know I have been pretty useless this last year in the blogging sense. It has not been my intention to be so. Quite the opposite. I have simply been living the life as described by the title of my blog and ultimately been too exhausted to actually put anything vaguely coherent together worthy of posting.

2017 has been the toughest year of my life. With so many ups and downs and seriously low lows. Full of loss and sadness, toddler tantrums, new schools, new jobs and too many small but ultimately time consuming or energy zapping issues to contend with.

Since last writing properly I have a 2 year old totally gorgeous but painfully exhausting trouble maker and a school kid who lost his first tooth this month! Time has seemingly flown by whilst I have been struggling, in all honesty, to keep it together and cope with my boys who are now so big I can barely tell who’s clothes belongs to who anymore. (Embarrassing Mama moment: Picking up LJ from school only to realise he was wearing an age 2-3 year olds top. Think Ross putting on that Frankie Says Relax t-shirt in Friends!)

Little M found it tough adjusting to Kiga without his big brother whilst LJ – the one we were worried about – has taken school all in his stride really. Overcoming many obstacles and really doing us proud – even if he does hate and constantly moan about his homework because it’s “soooo boring”!!

Little M has however also come on leaps and bounds this year. Security issues aside he’s really trying to talk, he’s so independent in so many ways and man does he idolise his big brother. LJ now has to really watch what he does and says, especially considering the following came out of his mouth the other day: “What the f@£k!” Then catching my look: “Mama, do we say ‘what the f@£k?” No son, no we do not!! Especially not in front of your very susceptible 2 year old brother who already says Kaka for Car (the German word for Poo!) which seems to have caught on with some of the younger children at Kindergarten!!

Though not always easy there has been job success this year with both myself and Ste and I have been especially excited and overwhelmed by the amazing response to my dance classes here. In a year that has been mostly black I have been able to get some of my dance sparkle back thanks to some extremely wonderful and supportive people – Joanna, Begum and Ozlem you have literally kept me sane and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

As I sit here waiting for my boys and their Oma, Opa and Uroma to arrive in anticipation of ChristKind, I am reminded of the only thing that is important in this world: Love, family and friendship.

Through Brexit, Donald Trump. some too close to home terror attacks and saying goodbye to 2 of the most wonderful Grandfathers to ever have graced this Earth as well as Allan and Peter, two major figures in a child- and adolescent-hood full of incredible memories, I really can only look at my two beautiful boys and feel thankful.

I learnt for the first time what true grief feels like and how helpless you are to it. Too many friends have lost people they held dear this year and I am not too naive to admit that this year was only the beginning for us too. For the first time I really understand the importance of living in the moment.

It’s not always easy of course – the fights are now quite epic as one boy inevitably always wants what the other wants, somedays I feel like nothing but a taxi driver as I face the logistics that come with new schools and jobs and my fingers have become ever more attached to my iPhone as I juggle 2 dance schools and a “normal” job as well as trying to make sure we have food in the fridge and atleast a semi-clean apartment! Some days I wonder how we survived without smartphones and Google drive and how I ever managed to maintain any kind of contact with my family before Whats App was created. I thank all at Amazon – the true Santas of this crazy modern world – without whom few of my family members would have had presents this Christmas, let alone my kids!

So yes, living every day like it’s your last is not always possible – especially when some days it takes every ounce of strength just to get out of bed in the morning – but it is my aim to appreciate what I have more. Last year’s resolution was to slow down and take the time to enjoy each moment more. We really managed that to an extent so this year simply needs to be a continuation of that.

I am working to give my family, and me, a better life but some days it feels like all I ever do is work and although I enjoy a lot of it, there are days where I begrudge my children interrupting me and that’s not what I want to feel. If I can’t take some time out to just enjoy my kids while they are still kids then really what’s the point of it all anyway?

Finding a balance between the work you need to do, the work you like to do and still spending quality time with the people you love is hard but it shouldn’t be impossible.

As always Christmas is a wonderful reminder of what is important and as we come to the end of a year where we have said too many goodbyes it really is time to make more of an effort to spend time with the people I love and holding my kids a little more now – while I have the chance – because at the end of it all it won’t be my phone I will want to hold in my arms.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“The Hours”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

There are just not enough hours in the day!!!! Or night more like it because then I might actually get some sleep.

After a day that started at 6.30am with cooking whole 30 breakfasts and lunches, getting the boys up, dressed and ready for their respective school and kindergarten drop-offs, followed by a loooong day at work, pick ups, shopping, dinner, baths, (painful) bedtimes and washing up followed by a load of paperwork, I thought I might finally at 11.35pm have a sit down in front of the tv. My precious boy had other thoughts of course and literally started moaning for his water 30 seconds later!

So now we’re at midnight and I know I will regret typing this now instead of going to sleep but I am going to treasure this 30 minutes of sitting on something other than a car seat even if it kills me! After all, tomorrow is even more non-stop. And my husband thinks Friday is my “day off”  Ha!

Sweet dreams,

Mama Atzi x

 

“The Silence”

Mama Atzi / / 1 Comment

So firstly apologies for my radio silence over the last months. It has been way longer than I intended.

I have tried to write many blogs since I last posted but the quiet was too much for me at a time when the loss of my Grandad was still very raw and I found myself only able to think of him. I wrote about the 5 stages of grief in my “Sleepless in Schwechat” post but this was the first time I truly felt it for real. And it sucks! I still haven’t really accepted my Grandad has gone. He still pops into my mind constantly. Memories and thoughts that are ignited by the slightest of things – posters for the cuddly vegetables he saved tokens to get us, photos on my walls, crosswords, fisherman as we walk past the river, offers for drinks in the supermarkets, cherry tomatoes and carrots growing in our allotment and a million other seemingly inconsequential things that just remind me of him at unexpected moments.

During the first month after Grandad died Little M was going through a phase of needing me to lie near the cot as he went off to sleep. Lying there in the dark I found the silence deafening and, just as it had been when I tried to write, I found myself just crying into the quiet. I realised I needed to give myself a distraction and since I was not at all happy with my lack of exercise I created the Cotside Challenge Workout!! No app or membership required. Simply lie down on the floor, while your clingy child attempts to go to sleep and let you have some peace for once, and do some Pilates based exercises! 

I was able to work my tummy, my pelvis, my back, arms, legs and thighs. Do some quiet stretches and suddenly I wasn’t only thinking about sad things anymore. I wasn’t getting annoyed with my toddler for not sleeping and the time went so much quicker. I can’t say I saw many physical benefits as a result of my new work out plan – no 6 pack or particularly toned thighs – but it did help while away those quiet moments that were slowly eating me alive.

My toddler was happy because I was quietly breathing next to him and I was happy because my mind was elsewhere and for the first time in forever I didn’t even resent my child for making me lie with him!!

After this I realised I needed to find similar distractions during the day so I must admit that I did throw myself into some new ventures – possibly a few too many now the dust has settled a bit but I also needed a push. Even though it meant I continued to neglect my dear blog.

Not long after this Little M decided he was ok to go off to sleep on his own – score! So my Cotside Challenge dwindled away…for a while anyway! (Don’t worry I still don’t have a good sleeper!!)

So much has happened in the last few months. So much I would have liked to share with you all but couldn’t.

I will always have my moments, a part of me has been changed forever now, but the quiet is easier to deal with and instead of being sad I need to be grateful for the life I have – in part because of my Grandad – and instead of being scared of the feeling that hits me in the silence, embrace it and know it just means that Grandad is still here with me.

So yes lots has happened in the last few months but I’ll save that for the next post…

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“Somewhere Slow” (New Year, New Start)

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

 

I have only a handful of New Year’s intentions, several more New Year’s hopes and wishes but only 1 real New Year’s resolution for 2017.

Like all good intentions – drink less, eat better, workout more – I am not off to a very good start. I could give you a load of excuses as to why – Little M isn’t sleeping well so I am exhausted and deserve a little tipple of an evening, I’ve had a chest infection and who wants to workout when they’re ill? But truthfully I just don’t care enough. Bad attitude I know but I am of the mind that (for example) if you’re gonna quit smoking, you have to really ‘want’ to quit smoking. Hence these were ‘intentions’ not proper resolutions – somehow I feel better about breaking intentions than resolutions. I know, I know. Excuses, excuses. As I said I don’t care!

The hopes and wishes, like most Mamas, are for health and happiness for my family and friends, and maybe a bit less stress, a bit more money and a focus on the good stuff rather than the bad so much. A nice holiday somewhere sunny wouldn’t go a miss either! Ooh and dance lessons. I’d really like to take some dance lessons this year…..sorry getting off point now! And on a grand scale of course I also agree with Miss America and hope for world peace…………………………………………………………………………….. oops – sorry my finger froze. Must have gone into a Trump trance. Well, as I said, one can dream.

So, to the resolution. I decided that for this year I really only want one thing. For myself and most importantly for my children. All I really want to try and do is ‘slow down’. I just want to slow down.

Every morning I hear myself shouting ‘hurry up LJ. Come on M. We’re late’ Ok, sure. It is important that we are on time but it is also important to take the time to get ready properly. We start every day with stress. And for no real reason. We are still one of the first families at Kindergarten in the morning. My husband one of the first into the office. I am one of the earliest shoppers and probably, to my neighbours annoyance, one of the first to get the hoover out. So why can’t we just slow down a little bit……

Everywhere we go I feel like I am rushing. In museums we rush from one exhibit to the other. When I pick LJ up I am always trying to get him to hurry up so we can get home. I hear myself say the words “come on!” about a hundred times a day. We seem to have to be on lightning speed all the time. Always in a hurry to get out the door. To get home. To get dinner. To get in the bath. To get to bed. And then we wake up and it all starts again!

I don’t want to do that anymore. I want my children to be able to enjoy their days. Take the time to really see things and appreciate them. To be able to eat their meals or enjoy their baths without being rushed into the next activity. I want to let them learn in their own time. I want to not feel impatient because they are being ‘too slow’.

I want to let my children lead.

And with that in mind I need to ‘slow down’. I need to go at their pace. After all, they only have little legs!

Sometimes what is slow to us is lightning speed to them and I need to stop and remember that they won’t be little for much longer. Soon their legs will outgrow mine and I will be the one playing catch up.

My Grandparents turned 90 this Winter. 90 years seems so long, yet somehow it has just gone in the blink of an eye. And it just really made me stop and think.

It feels like we have forever and so much time on our hands that we rush through our days believing that we can do everything tomorrow. But at some point there won’t be a tomorrow.

I have been lucky enough to have every one of my Grandparents in my life for every major event so far.

For the last 35 years they have been there for me in one way or another – physically, emotionally, financially. They have shared in every life event that has happened to me – my birth, my Christening, my first tooth, my first steps, when I had the main role in the school play, my dance shows, my graduation, my wedding and so far for every moment of my children’s lives too.

I took it for granted they would always be there.

Then on Boxing Day my Grandad left our house because he couldn’t breathe properly and that night was admitted to hospital with a chest infection (as well as underlying conditions). I was too busy helping my Nanny get her coat on to even kiss him goodbye. I could only wave as they drove away. On his 90th birthday we flew back to Austria with the knowledge that Boxing Day 2016 may be the last time we will ever see him. My Grandad. My hero.

He’s still with us but remains in hospital and things will never be the same again. Suddenly I feel like I rushed through every moment of my time with my Grandad and whilst I know we had amazing times together I worry that I missed things because I was always in a rush to get to ‘the next thing on my list’. Always believing there would be another day, another tomorrow, for the things I didn’t do or say.

The point is time goes too quickly as it is and I don’t want to rush my kids through the best bits anymore. So we are going to slow down this year. I am sure there will be days I still say ‘hurry up’ and ‘come on’ (probably more than I would like) but I am determined to live in the here and now as much as possible. Taking each day as it comes and enjoying each moment so I can help my children make memories they will cherish forever.

I don’t know if I will get to give my Grandad that last goodbye kiss but I will hold onto the memories of the thousands of other goodbye kisses we have had and be grateful for every moment we have shared in between.

I can’t control the past or the future (or the lack of sleep we get it seems!) but I can control the present and make sure my children get the opportunity to experience everything they can. In their own way and in their own time. As painful as not sleeping is, I need to try not to focus on getting to an age where he will sleep as quickly as possible because ultimately I am just wishing his life away. And it’s time to stop. (Well, try to anyway!)

So Happy New Year! I hope your intentions stay good. I pray that your hopes and wishes come true and that you manage to stay true to your resolutions. Who knows what 2017 will bring but I’m going to take it slowly. As the fable goes, it is the tortoise that wins in the end.

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“Happy New Year”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

I am ashamed to see I haven’t posted properly since October – Bad Exhausted Mama! Fear not though my loyal 4 subscribers, I am here to let you know that I am still alive.

I haven’t been kidnapped by aliens, taken into an insane asylum for sleep deprived parents or converted to Trumpism, I am just genuinely so exhausted and have been so busy with work, German courses and the devil that is my non-sleeping, constantly attached to my leg toddler, that while the words have been whirring around in my head, actually finding the time to sit down and give you all the attention they deserve has been impossible.

So I am just checking in to wish you a very belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ahead. I hope 2017 brings you all the love, happiness, good times and most importantly sleep that you deserve!

Speak soon – I promise!! (Well, I’ll try my very best anyway!)

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x