“She Fought Alone”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

 

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As we embark on our latest trip to the UK I am reminded of my last – not so successful one….

I consider myself pretty independent and a fairly savvy traveller. Living the life of an expat you have to be willing to go a few (thousand) miles every now and then or you wouldn’t see anyone you care about.

I have driven miles and flown alone with a baby numerous times and so far I have been lucky enough to have a very good little traveller to accompany me.

When I was 7.5 months pregnant I took 4 planes in a week. Travelling to London for my dance school exams then to my parents in Norfolk before flying to Paris for a very good friend’s hen-do and back home to Vienna (via London).

Little M took his first plane journey when he was 8 weeks old – he was a star – and he has flown 9 times since (only 1 flight was horrendous!)

I don’t say this to sound like a hero. I’m not. In fact there are many people who consider me crazy. Probably some of you reading this right now, and maybe I am, but that is my life. Always has been. I have always been the one to go the extra mile to visit a friend or family member. I always will. Because when it comes down to it family and friends are all that matter.  And because they have been used to it from an early age I hope my boys will do that too. I would like to think that when they’re old enough they would happily fly to visit their Grandparents on their own and of their own accord and not just because their Mother made them.

So, needless to say, we are a family of travellers. Hire cars, train journeys we have done the lot. And I am grateful that both my boys are (usually) very good (although Max is not keen on the train).

The travelling alone part doesn’t really worry me (although it is like doing a 5 hour work-out!). Now the first journey with both boys by myself is over and done with I feel even less worried. However, this time round, spending 2 weeks with no Papa to help out at night, amidst a teething frenzy, was not my idea of an adventure!

Usually I love being at my parents. Super Nana usually gets roped into breakfast duty by my ever demanding 4 year old, Little M likes his early morning snuggles and play-time with Nana and Grandad and Mama gets to enjoy a lie-in and cup of tea in bed. Usually.

Well, a lot of that did still happen but the nights, oh the nights were rough!! The worst they have been in a long time. And while my Mum tried to help as much as she could, not having hubby there was hard work.

You don’t realise until your sleep partner is missing how much you really work together. It is like a Pas de Deux of the night. Co-ordinated movements, complete understanding, unwavering trust. The perfect partnership in a dance of bottles, rocking and nappy changes in the dark.

Suddenly you are left to improvise alone. You pull it off because you are a professional after all but there’s still that sense of something being missing. Even when you are given an understudy, as wonderful as they are, they can’t compete with the years of training you have shared with someone else. The unspoken unison you share.

It teaches you to appreciate that support even more. I have always known how lucky I am to have a true partner in parenthood. I know not everyone does. Many Dads are happy to let Mum get on with it. After all they “work”. Mamas stay at home doing nothing all day right?! (I’m not going to get into that whole subject right now but for the record stay at home Mums rock!)

If you don’t have that support system I salute you. To any single Mum or Dad out there, I think you are amazing. Because having “fought alone” for those 10 nights (and I wasn’t even truly alone) I don’t know how you do it. Maybe your baby sleeps better than mine (not hard!) and of course the fact he got a new tooth didn’t help matters (for 2 nights afterwards he was pretty good actually) but I personally was very happy to get back to my husband and once more become a duo in the dark.

I am not too proud to admit that while I can do it alone, I hope I never have to. So, I will take the travelling if it means spending time with the people (and business) I love but the best part is seeing my boy run into the arms of his waiting Papa because having someone to come home to is what makes it all worthwhile.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

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“Breaking Bad”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

No need for the DEA, or atleast not unless they have a Wine Enforcement Unit, but someone might want to call the Mama Police because for the last week or so I have let Little M sleep in my arms at nap time! Gasp, shock, quick get that rod out for her back….

IMG_3797Possibly not the best idea I know but he’s gone from having half an hour only naps to sleeping up to 2 hours at a time which means I have actually been able to get some rest too. Something I have really needed recently!

And I have been able to put him down next to me on the sofa or bed (heavily barricaded by cushions of course) to go for a coffee or get some work done. Still I know this can’t go on forever. Can it?! And slowly I had better wean him back into his cot. Maybe just a few more episodes of ‘Suits’ first….

It has got me thinking about how he sleeps though. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t like his cot it’s just that he still hasn’t learnt to self-soothe so by sleeping next to me I am there when he stirs and can respond quick enough for him to stay asleep. That means 2 things need to happen if I want him to stay in his cot for a longer sleep and most importantly if I want him to “sleep through the night” (an exhausted Mama’s favourite words!!), either

1) I need to get to him when he stirs quicker than I am (well that’s not gonna happen. I am a walking zombie in the night, I waddle like a marshmallow on Xanax) or

2) I need to ‘train’ him to ‘self-soothe’ but since both those terms give me the chills we may be back to square one here. Answers on a postcard please….

Whatever the case I once again feel like a bad Mother. It happens a lot.

Every time I give my baby a bottle the paediatrician says he doesn’t need, I feel like a bad Mother.

Every time my baby wakes up through the night when I know my friends’ babies sleep, I feel like a bad Mother.

Every time I see someone breastfeed their baby when I no longer can, I feel like a bad Mother.

Every time I put my baby down and he cries, I feel like a bad Mother.

Every time I see a new bruise on my son’s leg, I feel like a bad Mother.

But every time I walk into Kindergarten and hear my son shout ‘Mama!’ as he runs towards me, I feel like an amazing Mother.

And every time Little M reaches out his arms for me just because he wants to give me a cuddle I feel like I am doing something right.

And that is the wonderful thing about Motherhood because in a world where you can do 100 things right and only focus and stress over the 1 thing you got wrong when it comes to being a Mama every bad, difficult, stressful thing is wiped out with that 1 uplifting moment. That’s why a baby can keep you up all night and make you feel like you want to shoot yourself yet all they have to do is smile at you in a way that makes you feel like a superhero and all is forgiven.

I guess it all starts at birth. I mean, serial killers are locked up for life for causing less pain but yet we forgive these tiny strangers (supposedly forget – I’m still working on it!) the second they are placed in our arms. I don’t think anyone can understand that rush of love you feel until it happens to you but suddenly your life is not your own. There is something more important than anything else in the world and immediately you become their protectors. You would die for them. And yet you have just met. That is unconditional love at first sight. And our children are the only ones we feel that for.

Sometimes we will doubt ourselves and whether we are able to do this. Sometimes we will be judged for the things we do or don’t do (like letting baby sleep in our arms ;0) but always remember that no-one else can do what you do.

Only you can make the decision as to whether your baby needs that feed, only you can make your child feel safe when they wake up in the night, only you can provide your baby with what they need, only you can truly comfort your baby and when they are in pain or sad, or just proud of their new ‘war wound’, a child will always reach out for their Mama.

So call the Mama police if you must but I’m pretty sure our babies won’t press charges because when all is said and done only you can make your baby smile like that or cause your son to shout your name as he runs into your arms. You are their world as much as they are yours.

So whenever you feel like a bad Mother tell your children you love them. I bet you get the response you’re looking for. Whether it be a look, a smile or the most wonderful words in the world: I love you too Mama.

No judge or jury can ever take that away from you.

(And if not you can always crack open the wine!)

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x