“The Twilight Saga”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

Throw out the books, don’t hit that search button on Google.  If your question is “how long does teething last?” I will save you the trouble: it’s FOREVER. The ‘experts’ will say it’s only 3-5 days when the tooth is actually breaking through but exhausted Mama’s everywhere will say differently. I know who I believe!

To be honest with you I don’t know if our recent twilight (and midnight, dawn, early morning…) escapades are from teeth or just because my child is the devil incarnate but recently he has been waking up more times than I can count on my fingers and toes combined. After many painful nights it seems to be followed by a slightly better one and the sighting of a pair of molars (or whatever those big ones are called!) poking through.

The truth is, as you know, little M is NOT a good sleeper at the best of times. The breakthrough we had in the Summer, whereby he was atleast going off to sleep on his own and staying that way until around 11pm, thus giving us something of a decent evening, suddenly disappeared one sad winter’s eve and despite my best efforts has not occurred again since**. In fact he’s been worse than ever. Turning into the biggest Mama’s boy I have ever known and needing me to be with him until he is well and truly out cold. The slow step backwards shush-shush shuffle to the door sometimes being the only way I can leave his room without his pin-drop hearing making his head pop up so fast that it roots me to the spot in a second so as not to make him scream blue murder at me for daring to try and leave the room – 1 hour after I entered it!!!! (Ok that might be a slight exaggeration but it feels like an hour). It is a real wonder these days that I have any hair left at all what from 1) all the pregnancy and post pregnancy hormones and 2) all the frustrated hair pulling that is going on right now.

I would like to say it gives me solace that others are sharing my pain; even having a worse time of it with waking up every half an hour and only being comforted by Mum but honestly it doesn’t. Because I understand completely how tough it is and I feel for them as much as I feel for myself.

I see friends who have little or no troubles with their babes sleeping and whilst I am happy for them I am jealous as hell and it just frustrates me because honestly coping with a child that doesn’t sleep for a long period of time just can not be comprehended until you have been there. Like child birth. No matter how many people tell you how much it is going to hurt you truly have no idea until you have done it (survived through a pain that it feels impossible you should).

For me the only way to get through the lack of sleep during these particularly horrendous times is to have a reason. A scapegoat if you like. And for little M it’s teeth (LJ was always having a growth spurt!) Whether he is or isn’t I don’t really know or care but for every night that he is extra awful I will blame it on those pesky, pearly whites. For as long as I can. Even when he has a full set of ’em probably!

And all I can say to my fellow sleep deprived, at the end of your rope Mamas and Papas, is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. LJ’s “growth spurts” did stop and he sleeps like an angel now. Sure it took a while (for some it will be less, for some it will be longer) but your time will come and in the meantime – whilst it’s hard not to be jealous of those friends already sleeping – remember that you are a superstar! Because it’s tough being a Mum. It’s tougher being a Mum that doesn’t sleep.

It’s tough being a working Mum. It’s even tougher being a working Mum that doesn’t sleep.

It’s tough being a working Mum who also does all her own shopping, cleaning, washing, cooking etc. It’s near impossible being a working Mum that does all the housework AND DOES NOT SLEEP!!!!

You get my point anyway.

Trust me, you’re a superstar even on days you feel like you really can’t do it anymore. Like childbirth. You will do it. You will make it through, no matter how much it hurts, because you have to. Because your baby needs you to and you would do anything for your baby.

And if none of that helps, remember this – babies that sleep less grow up to be more intelligent*. One day all that lack of sleep means your baby is going to change the world!

Sweet (albeit short) dreams –

Mama Atzi x

*Based on an article I am pretty sure I read once but could also have been made up by another sleep deprived Mother so don’t take it as gospel. Like I said: Having a reason=Good. Not sleeping=Bad. #copingmechanism

**Since writing the above post I have managed to achieve 3 nights in a row of putting M down to sleep, leaving the room fairly quickly and not be beckoned to return until atleast 11pm. Wooh hooh!! Progress!! (hmmmm For now!)

“Open All Hours”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

Chasing this little guy = 1 super exhausted Mama but sleep versus this face = no contest!

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Fear not fellow sleep deprived parents; I have not abandoned you. You should know by now that my long silences are usually the result of yet another bad sleeping period! And alas I can confirm that I am still very much an exhausted Mama.

It has been approximately 521 nights since our beautiful boy arrived and approximately 520 nights of broken, disturbed sleep.

I reported a midweek miracle not too long ago in which we had a fleeting moment of hope for more sleep filled nights but, as predicted, it was not to last and I can honestly say that is the only time in the 521 days of my darling boy’s existence that I would use the sentence “he slept through the night”. (I friggin’ hate that sentence!!! Even more so in question form!)

For a brief period I did feel like he was genuinely getting better. The milk in the night stopped completely and if he did wake up he would happily have some water or baby tea and go straight off again. I could cope with that. I think we have even had a brief period where he was only waking once.

But then the dreaded teeth started moving again. Dribble by day (literally covered in his own saliva like something out of Ghostbusters which is unbelievable for me as LJ never dribbled a drop!) and at night a little demon. Waking constantly in pain and discomfort. Ye ole faithful Calpol didn’t seem to deter it and only Bonjela on the dummy was enough to get him to doze off again – for a mere 2 hours at a time!

In the Summer though we somehow managed to get into a routine where we could just lie him down in the cot, leave him and he would drop off on his own. Previously he was a complete ‘rock to sleep in our arms baby’ so this felt like a real turning point and then that magical night came and I almost (almost!) let myself believe we had turned a corner but then…..yep, another damn tooth!

Since then we have had good and bad nights again. A horrendous couple of weeks when we got back home after our trip to the UK and then a bit more of a settled period. Recently he has been giving us atleast a bit of an evening before causing chaos in the middle of the night – sometimes literally wanting to get up and play at 3am! But he has atleast maintained a fairly quick routine of being put to bed on his own, and at a decent hour, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much!

The problem with Baby M, however, is that no matter how he sleeps he wakes up early. Usually between 6 and 6.30am and as someone who is really not a morning person it just drains me. And when he has had a particularly bad night and then STILL wakes up at 6am it’s a killer. I am at this time truly grateful to the makers of morning children’s tv and can honestly say I have no guilt whatsoever about switching the tv on – when I can manage to wearily reach for the remote control – and let him sit between us in bed (oh yeah I forgot to mention he rarely makes it to morning in his own bed anymore!) watching cartoons whilst we try to snooze.

I will admit I am very lucky that my darling husband is always on breakfast duty. Sometimes I even get a coffee brought to me! I manage to drag myself up to get the boys dressed (around about the time of the Ritterburg cartoon) and LJ’s stuff sorted for kindergarten and somehow we are out of the house by 7.45. But most mornings it is a blur.

These days I am back home having done the food shop, put the washing on, tidied the kitchen and emptied or stacked the dishwasher by the time I would normally be hitting the snooze button and my brain demanding its first caffeine kick of the day. It makes me laugh to think I used to call 9am early! I can honestly say I have never been so tired.

I used to be a person that was up late into the night. Sometimes not going to bed until 2am, knowing I could get up late. The truth is I probably didn’t get all that much more sleep back then but the point was I was in control of it. If I wanted to go to bed early I could, if I wanted to get up late I could. Now I’m totally at the mercy of my children and it’s hard not being in charge of your own sleep patterns. It’s especially hard feeling so exhausted at 8pm that your body and brain already wants to go to sleep but that stubborn part of you that wants to be in control won’t let you go to bed that early. So instead you sit up watching Netflix or doing work that can probably wait.

At the time of writing this I am sat on a plane on the way to London for work. Child free! I can not wait to sleep. Don’t get me wrong I will miss my babies. I will wonder what they are dong all the time I am not with them but when I snuggle into those bed covers and lay my head down on that pillow I will be smiling. And when my friend’s little girl stirs (which she rarely does to be honest) I will simply roll over and be grateful that for once I don’t have to be the one to get up!

They always say you don’t appreciate things until they’re gone and sleep theft is no exception.

With that in mind though you just have to remember what you would miss more….sleep or your children. I know, sometimes that feels like a tough one!, but sleepless nights is just 1 short (albeit horrendous) period in their lives. Trust me, it took 3 years with LJ but we got there in the end.

When I have a particularly bad night that’s what gets me through. A life without sleep is tough but survivable, a life without my children would not be worth living.

So I’ll enjoy the sleeps I get and revel in moaning about the painfully exhausting nights that are oh, so familiar because in the end pain is good, pain means you’re alive.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“Hope Springs”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

A Midweek Miracle:

Stop the press. I have front page news. Last night, Little M actually slept for…..wait for it….are you excited??….8 hours and 40minutes straight!!! I woke up at 2am for a LJ toilet trip and the little beaut was still soundo. He came into bed with me at 4.40am, had a drink and then slept until 7.07am and I woke up feeling, well, almost human. There was certainly no springing from the bed and bursting into Disney inspired song about what a beautiful morning it is but definitely more ‘Sleeping Beauty’ than ‘Night of the Living Dead’!

After some horrendous (teeth fueled!) nights, and a couple of “good ones” that still consisted of atleast 4 hourly wake-up calls, I think this has to be considered the most successful night of sleep in the long sixteen and half months of restless nights so far!!

I post this not to gloat; believe me, even if he started sleeping soundly through every night I would never throw that in any exhausted Mother’s face because I know the pain it causes!

I am sure it is a one off and I am sure it will be another few months, if not more, before I am celebrating such a night again. I certainly won’t be throwing out the match sticks or starting a caffeine detox anytime soon but the main thing from this night is the knowledge that there actually is some HOPE. Other wisely Mums told me it was possible but I will admit my faith was beginning to wane.

I won’t make the mistake of trying to recreate the night from before – that never seems to work – I will allow fate to take it’s course and see what tonight brings but for now atleast I can enjoy the sun and the day ahead with my beautiful boys feeling atleast a little bit more energised than usual!

Are you experiencing a midweek miracle or still praying for one? Join the chat on Facebook.

 

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“I Don’t Know How She Does It”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

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Recently I watched the film “I don’t know how she does it” starring Sarah Jessica Parker as a working Mum and I think the title sums up the basic plot.

It’s a must-see for any of us that are trying to juggle a career as well as being the ‘perfect Mum’ and a reminder that no matter how hard we try we will never quite live up to everyone’s expectations. But what I love about this film is that it highlights the fact that, actually, that’s ok. We don’t have to be perfect at either role all the time. We just have to be there. Turn up, do our job to the best of our ability and most importantly know that when all is said and done family has to come first. Because we can say we are working for a better future or life for our children but they aren’t children for long. In a blink of an eye their childhood is gone and if you’re not careful you’ll miss it.

I love the fact that SJP doesn’t give up the job she loves for the family she loves more because as she says “without this job I’m not me” but it does highlight the fact that when you have kids, things change. It’s not easy to adjust to a life where spontaneity is rare and being able to go out for drinks with your girlfriends at short notice is unheard of. Shopping trips involve logistical planning and overpacked bags with enough nappies, bottles and a change of clothes to last the afternoon.

Where romance is being able to watch a whole film uninterrupted or eat a meal with 2 hands and sleeping through the night is the new sex.

For the most part you’re exhausted before you even begin.

Your life is never your own again and that’s why it’s important to hold on to that part of yourself where you perhaps feel a little more successful than you do at home – well sometimes!

But to be a working Mum is to be in a constant battle of yourselves. Black power suit (or whatever you wear for work!) on one shoulder versus puked on, exhausted self on the other. Finding the perfect balance is hard but worth it (I think anyway).

And women do all this under the cloud of a gender bias too. I’m not going to get into that discussion – I’m a dancer so I accepted inequality in the workplace a long time ago but it is there and exists even before we have children because, of course, the assumption is that we all will.

In this world of social media it is easy to show the world how well we do it because only the good stuff is ever shown to the public. We can all be as successful as we want to on paper because who wants to flaunt their failings? No-one really knows what goes on behind our computer screens or how hard it really is. In reality ‘how she does it’ is to wing it most of the time. And that’s why I really enjoyed watching this film because it sums up how I feel every day!

I shared SJP’s excitement of opening her wardrobe to find an outfit that doesn’t have a stain on it.

When asked by a colleague if she has a Rice Krispie on her jacket rather than hide it or just get rid of it she tastes it and then explains ‘ah no it’s just pancake batter’. How many times have I done something similar not even noticing anymore that maybe to those without kids that’s not normal behaviour?! And thank God it did turn out to be chocolate! ?

Like SJP’s character (because I’m sure the real SJP would never do this) I would be the Mum that buys a cake and passes it off as her own. (Although most people know I can’t bake to save my life so that little trick probably wouldn’t stay a secret long!)

I fall asleep choreographing routines and making lists to make lists!!

When she cries because she discovers the babysitter has taken her son for his first haircut I cry with her. And for me that is the most apt part of the film. That even dressed in a smart suit carrying a briefcase and off to her high-powered job in investment banking she is still a Mother and only another Mum can understand the importance of a ‘first hair-cut’ and how heartbreaking it is to miss it. Or any ‘first’ for that matter.

Jobs come and go but from the moment you meet your baby you are a Mama and that’s one role you will never quit – even if there are days you might seriously consider it.

There are people I know who make the juggling of work and Motherhood look not only easy but attractive. As someone who struggles to find the time to get jobs done every day I really don’t know how they do it. I am in constant awe of their time management skills and wish someone would share the secret with me.

Still, when I take a step back I realise I’m not doing quite such a bad job, in either role, as I think. My school is doing well and my boys are healthy and happy. They are surrounded by love and provided with new experiences and opportunities to learn and have fun every day. We have clothes on our backs, a roof over our heads and food in our cupboards, we even managed a family holiday this year. So my house might be a mess, I’m certainly no Nigella Lawson in the kitchen, I still haven’t mastered the German language, I don’t update this blog half as much as I would like and I’m on my phone doing work stuff way too often but when all is said and done I am there when it counts and my boys will always be my first priority (the big one included).

So I might not know how ‘she’ does it but I’ll just keep doing what ‘I’ do and maybe one day someone will say that about me! (Just as long as I never invite them round my house ?)

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“She Fought Alone”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

 

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As we embark on our latest trip to the UK I am reminded of my last – not so successful one….

I consider myself pretty independent and a fairly savvy traveller. Living the life of an expat you have to be willing to go a few (thousand) miles every now and then or you wouldn’t see anyone you care about.

I have driven miles and flown alone with a baby numerous times and so far I have been lucky enough to have a very good little traveller to accompany me.

When I was 7.5 months pregnant I took 4 planes in a week. Travelling to London for my dance school exams then to my parents in Norfolk before flying to Paris for a very good friend’s hen-do and back home to Vienna (via London).

Little M took his first plane journey when he was 8 weeks old – he was a star – and he has flown 9 times since (only 1 flight was horrendous!)

I don’t say this to sound like a hero. I’m not. In fact there are many people who consider me crazy. Probably some of you reading this right now, and maybe I am, but that is my life. Always has been. I have always been the one to go the extra mile to visit a friend or family member. I always will. Because when it comes down to it family and friends are all that matter.  And because they have been used to it from an early age I hope my boys will do that too. I would like to think that when they’re old enough they would happily fly to visit their Grandparents on their own and of their own accord and not just because their Mother made them.

So, needless to say, we are a family of travellers. Hire cars, train journeys we have done the lot. And I am grateful that both my boys are (usually) very good (although Max is not keen on the train).

The travelling alone part doesn’t really worry me (although it is like doing a 5 hour work-out!). Now the first journey with both boys by myself is over and done with I feel even less worried. However, this time round, spending 2 weeks with no Papa to help out at night, amidst a teething frenzy, was not my idea of an adventure!

Usually I love being at my parents. Super Nana usually gets roped into breakfast duty by my ever demanding 4 year old, Little M likes his early morning snuggles and play-time with Nana and Grandad and Mama gets to enjoy a lie-in and cup of tea in bed. Usually.

Well, a lot of that did still happen but the nights, oh the nights were rough!! The worst they have been in a long time. And while my Mum tried to help as much as she could, not having hubby there was hard work.

You don’t realise until your sleep partner is missing how much you really work together. It is like a Pas de Deux of the night. Co-ordinated movements, complete understanding, unwavering trust. The perfect partnership in a dance of bottles, rocking and nappy changes in the dark.

Suddenly you are left to improvise alone. You pull it off because you are a professional after all but there’s still that sense of something being missing. Even when you are given an understudy, as wonderful as they are, they can’t compete with the years of training you have shared with someone else. The unspoken unison you share.

It teaches you to appreciate that support even more. I have always known how lucky I am to have a true partner in parenthood. I know not everyone does. Many Dads are happy to let Mum get on with it. After all they “work”. Mamas stay at home doing nothing all day right?! (I’m not going to get into that whole subject right now but for the record stay at home Mums rock!)

If you don’t have that support system I salute you. To any single Mum or Dad out there, I think you are amazing. Because having “fought alone” for those 10 nights (and I wasn’t even truly alone) I don’t know how you do it. Maybe your baby sleeps better than mine (not hard!) and of course the fact he got a new tooth didn’t help matters (for 2 nights afterwards he was pretty good actually) but I personally was very happy to get back to my husband and once more become a duo in the dark.

I am not too proud to admit that while I can do it alone, I hope I never have to. So, I will take the travelling if it means spending time with the people (and business) I love but the best part is seeing my boy run into the arms of his waiting Papa because having someone to come home to is what makes it all worthwhile.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

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