“Open All Hours”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

Chasing this little guy = 1 super exhausted Mama but sleep versus this face = no contest!

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Fear not fellow sleep deprived parents; I have not abandoned you. You should know by now that my long silences are usually the result of yet another bad sleeping period! And alas I can confirm that I am still very much an exhausted Mama.

It has been approximately 521 nights since our beautiful boy arrived and approximately 520 nights of broken, disturbed sleep.

I reported a midweek miracle not too long ago in which we had a fleeting moment of hope for more sleep filled nights but, as predicted, it was not to last and I can honestly say that is the only time in the 521 days of my darling boy’s existence that I would use the sentence “he slept through the night”. (I friggin’ hate that sentence!!! Even more so in question form!)

For a brief period I did feel like he was genuinely getting better. The milk in the night stopped completely and if he did wake up he would happily have some water or baby tea and go straight off again. I could cope with that. I think we have even had a brief period where he was only waking once.

But then the dreaded teeth started moving again. Dribble by day (literally covered in his own saliva like something out of Ghostbusters which is unbelievable for me as LJ never dribbled a drop!) and at night a little demon. Waking constantly in pain and discomfort. Ye ole faithful Calpol didn’t seem to deter it and only Bonjela on the dummy was enough to get him to doze off again – for a mere 2 hours at a time!

In the Summer though we somehow managed to get into a routine where we could just lie him down in the cot, leave him and he would drop off on his own. Previously he was a complete ‘rock to sleep in our arms baby’ so this felt like a real turning point and then that magical night came and I almost (almost!) let myself believe we had turned a corner but then…..yep, another damn tooth!

Since then we have had good and bad nights again. A horrendous couple of weeks when we got back home after our trip to the UK and then a bit more of a settled period. Recently he has been giving us atleast a bit of an evening before causing chaos in the middle of the night – sometimes literally wanting to get up and play at 3am! But he has atleast maintained a fairly quick routine of being put to bed on his own, and at a decent hour, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much!

The problem with Baby M, however, is that no matter how he sleeps he wakes up early. Usually between 6 and 6.30am and as someone who is really not a morning person it just drains me. And when he has had a particularly bad night and then STILL wakes up at 6am it’s a killer. I am at this time truly grateful to the makers of morning children’s tv and can honestly say I have no guilt whatsoever about switching the tv on – when I can manage to wearily reach for the remote control – and let him sit between us in bed (oh yeah I forgot to mention he rarely makes it to morning in his own bed anymore!) watching cartoons whilst we try to snooze.

I will admit I am very lucky that my darling husband is always on breakfast duty. Sometimes I even get a coffee brought to me! I manage to drag myself up to get the boys dressed (around about the time of the Ritterburg cartoon) and LJ’s stuff sorted for kindergarten and somehow we are out of the house by 7.45. But most mornings it is a blur.

These days I am back home having done the food shop, put the washing on, tidied the kitchen and emptied or stacked the dishwasher by the time I would normally be hitting the snooze button and my brain demanding its first caffeine kick of the day. It makes me laugh to think I used to call 9am early! I can honestly say I have never been so tired.

I used to be a person that was up late into the night. Sometimes not going to bed until 2am, knowing I could get up late. The truth is I probably didn’t get all that much more sleep back then but the point was I was in control of it. If I wanted to go to bed early I could, if I wanted to get up late I could. Now I’m totally at the mercy of my children and it’s hard not being in charge of your own sleep patterns. It’s especially hard feeling so exhausted at 8pm that your body and brain already wants to go to sleep but that stubborn part of you that wants to be in control won’t let you go to bed that early. So instead you sit up watching Netflix or doing work that can probably wait.

At the time of writing this I am sat on a plane on the way to London for work. Child free! I can not wait to sleep. Don’t get me wrong I will miss my babies. I will wonder what they are dong all the time I am not with them but when I snuggle into those bed covers and lay my head down on that pillow I will be smiling. And when my friend’s little girl stirs (which she rarely does to be honest) I will simply roll over and be grateful that for once I don’t have to be the one to get up!

They always say you don’t appreciate things until they’re gone and sleep theft is no exception.

With that in mind though you just have to remember what you would miss more….sleep or your children. I know, sometimes that feels like a tough one!, but sleepless nights is just 1 short (albeit horrendous) period in their lives. Trust me, it took 3 years with LJ but we got there in the end.

When I have a particularly bad night that’s what gets me through. A life without sleep is tough but survivable, a life without my children would not be worth living.

So I’ll enjoy the sleeps I get and revel in moaning about the painfully exhausting nights that are oh, so familiar because in the end pain is good, pain means you’re alive.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“Hope Springs”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

A Midweek Miracle:

Stop the press. I have front page news. Last night, Little M actually slept for…..wait for it….are you excited??….8 hours and 40minutes straight!!! I woke up at 2am for a LJ toilet trip and the little beaut was still soundo. He came into bed with me at 4.40am, had a drink and then slept until 7.07am and I woke up feeling, well, almost human. There was certainly no springing from the bed and bursting into Disney inspired song about what a beautiful morning it is but definitely more ‘Sleeping Beauty’ than ‘Night of the Living Dead’!

After some horrendous (teeth fueled!) nights, and a couple of “good ones” that still consisted of atleast 4 hourly wake-up calls, I think this has to be considered the most successful night of sleep in the long sixteen and half months of restless nights so far!!

I post this not to gloat; believe me, even if he started sleeping soundly through every night I would never throw that in any exhausted Mother’s face because I know the pain it causes!

I am sure it is a one off and I am sure it will be another few months, if not more, before I am celebrating such a night again. I certainly won’t be throwing out the match sticks or starting a caffeine detox anytime soon but the main thing from this night is the knowledge that there actually is some HOPE. Other wisely Mums told me it was possible but I will admit my faith was beginning to wane.

I won’t make the mistake of trying to recreate the night from before – that never seems to work – I will allow fate to take it’s course and see what tonight brings but for now atleast I can enjoy the sun and the day ahead with my beautiful boys feeling atleast a little bit more energised than usual!

Are you experiencing a midweek miracle or still praying for one? Join the chat on Facebook.

 

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“She Fought Alone”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

 

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As we embark on our latest trip to the UK I am reminded of my last – not so successful one….

I consider myself pretty independent and a fairly savvy traveller. Living the life of an expat you have to be willing to go a few (thousand) miles every now and then or you wouldn’t see anyone you care about.

I have driven miles and flown alone with a baby numerous times and so far I have been lucky enough to have a very good little traveller to accompany me.

When I was 7.5 months pregnant I took 4 planes in a week. Travelling to London for my dance school exams then to my parents in Norfolk before flying to Paris for a very good friend’s hen-do and back home to Vienna (via London).

Little M took his first plane journey when he was 8 weeks old – he was a star – and he has flown 9 times since (only 1 flight was horrendous!)

I don’t say this to sound like a hero. I’m not. In fact there are many people who consider me crazy. Probably some of you reading this right now, and maybe I am, but that is my life. Always has been. I have always been the one to go the extra mile to visit a friend or family member. I always will. Because when it comes down to it family and friends are all that matter.  And because they have been used to it from an early age I hope my boys will do that too. I would like to think that when they’re old enough they would happily fly to visit their Grandparents on their own and of their own accord and not just because their Mother made them.

So, needless to say, we are a family of travellers. Hire cars, train journeys we have done the lot. And I am grateful that both my boys are (usually) very good (although Max is not keen on the train).

The travelling alone part doesn’t really worry me (although it is like doing a 5 hour work-out!). Now the first journey with both boys by myself is over and done with I feel even less worried. However, this time round, spending 2 weeks with no Papa to help out at night, amidst a teething frenzy, was not my idea of an adventure!

Usually I love being at my parents. Super Nana usually gets roped into breakfast duty by my ever demanding 4 year old, Little M likes his early morning snuggles and play-time with Nana and Grandad and Mama gets to enjoy a lie-in and cup of tea in bed. Usually.

Well, a lot of that did still happen but the nights, oh the nights were rough!! The worst they have been in a long time. And while my Mum tried to help as much as she could, not having hubby there was hard work.

You don’t realise until your sleep partner is missing how much you really work together. It is like a Pas de Deux of the night. Co-ordinated movements, complete understanding, unwavering trust. The perfect partnership in a dance of bottles, rocking and nappy changes in the dark.

Suddenly you are left to improvise alone. You pull it off because you are a professional after all but there’s still that sense of something being missing. Even when you are given an understudy, as wonderful as they are, they can’t compete with the years of training you have shared with someone else. The unspoken unison you share.

It teaches you to appreciate that support even more. I have always known how lucky I am to have a true partner in parenthood. I know not everyone does. Many Dads are happy to let Mum get on with it. After all they “work”. Mamas stay at home doing nothing all day right?! (I’m not going to get into that whole subject right now but for the record stay at home Mums rock!)

If you don’t have that support system I salute you. To any single Mum or Dad out there, I think you are amazing. Because having “fought alone” for those 10 nights (and I wasn’t even truly alone) I don’t know how you do it. Maybe your baby sleeps better than mine (not hard!) and of course the fact he got a new tooth didn’t help matters (for 2 nights afterwards he was pretty good actually) but I personally was very happy to get back to my husband and once more become a duo in the dark.

I am not too proud to admit that while I can do it alone, I hope I never have to. So, I will take the travelling if it means spending time with the people (and business) I love but the best part is seeing my boy run into the arms of his waiting Papa because having someone to come home to is what makes it all worthwhile.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

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“Auf Wiedersehen, Pet”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

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So this is a slightly different post to what I had planned for this week but I felt inspired by recent events. A little less baby this time and possibly a little bit philosophical so apologies in advance for that:

One of my favourite musicals of all time is Wicked (In the German version I believe it is called Die Hexen von Oz). If you haven’t seen it, you should, but not to ruin anything it is basically the untold story of the Witches of Oz (before Dorothy dropped in) and how the Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda the Good came to bare those titles. Ultimately though it is a tale of friendship and that good old lesson of never to judge a book by it’s cover.

The reason I mention it is because, thanks to the life I have led so far, the words of one of the songs always resonate with me: “It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, So, let me say before we part; So much of me is made of what I learned from you. You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend”

– lyrics by Stephen Schwartz (www.wickedthemusical.co.uk)

In essence it is a song about saying goodbye but what I love is that it truly sums up what their friendship meant and how they will remember it.

As someone that spent their dance career working contract to contract I’m used to the feeling of living on borrowed time. Meeting people from all over the world (some of whom became very good friends) I am used to goodbyes. It is never easy but some are harder than others.

Ship life is a crazy world. Something of a parallel universe. It is so intense that a week is like a year. You eat, sleep, drink and breathe with your cabin mates and it is a world where, as a dancer, you can spend a morning rehearsing, an afternoon on shore, an evening of performing and a whole night of drinking with your “work mates” before meeting each other for breakfast the next day when you will have no qualms about doing it all again and every other day for your entire 9 month contract. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, you get to know these people very well and pretty much everyone else onboard too – well the ones that visit the crew bar anyway! You might not like everyone and there is bound to be some you would never be friends with in ‘real-life’ who you may never actually speak to again afterwards but you will still remember them and they will always remain a part of your life because you shared a time with them that others in your life just can’t relate to.

Sometimes we meet people that we really connect with, who we love even. So as I say, saying goodbye is never easy. But that is the life. And the pain of one goodbye won’t put us off signing straight back up for another contract.

Thanks to Facebook, staying in touch and reconnecting with those we met on our travels has never been so easy but it can also be heartbreaking when you search for that person that left the ‘handprint on your heart’ and you can’t find them. It’s a bitter sweet world. Full of romance and adventure. Culture, excitement, parties, hard-work. All within a world that no-one can understand until they have lived it.

And thanks to falling in love with one of those people I connected with I am now living the life of an expat which has also led me to a situation where friendships, in the physical sense atleast, have uncertain expiration dates. I am so lucky to have connected with a fantastic group of ladies and babies thanks to the Vienna Babies Club (www.viennababiesclub.com) but as is normal in the expat world, just like onboard, contracts end, people move on, and once again it’s sad to say goodbye. As we discovered recently.

What both these scenarios have in common is that we meet people during these journeys that will stay with us. Some people that effect us more than we even realise at the time. I often find myself smiling because I remember someone or something that happened on a contract. Every time I hear a Spanish person I think of my conversation with a lovely bar guy called Juan from my first contract. We had the same conversation every night in the crew bar: Como estas? Bien. Y tu? Yo soy cansada. Cansada? Siempre (apologies for the bad Spanish!)

Every time I see a Hard Rock Cafe I think of my Atalante girls.

Every time I see a white dress I remember the Pas de Deux I performed with my dance partner Steve.

Certain songs remind me of shows, crew parties or karaoke in the crew bar. When I first moved to Austria and had to order a cola light instead of a diet coke it reminded me of the time we tried to order a coke in some strange little bar and no matter how we said it we could not get the waiter to understand until our friend came along with his accented English and the guy understood immediately. Every time I order a cola light it makes me smile. And I’m pretty sure I put on a fake accent when I order one just in case!

I have so many wonderful memories of that time all triggered by a photo or a song or a saying or a smell….

I don’t speak to my school, uni or ship friends half as much as I would like, let alone see them, but they are always there. As are the people I grew up with and those I have worked with over the years. Even the strangers I have sat and talked to on trains and aeroplanes. People that helped carry my suitcase, or didn’t as the case may be, past pupils and parents, they have all helped shape who I am in some way.

Everyday a memory comes up and everyday I am shaped into a different person because of what I remember and took from those experiences. How different I would be if I had not met them. If I had not enjoyed ship life so much I never would have ended up on the M/S Astor and never would have met my future husband and the father of my children. So it is sad that I may never see some of those friends again but I am thankful to them for rewriting my story.

And now my experiences have led me here. Living in Vienna, Austria with my husband and 2 children. I miss my former lives a lot but I am so grateful to be sharing my adventures of Motherhood with these other fabulous expats. Some I hope will be here for the long term but others who are already leaving us for the next part of their story. It has been such a pleasure to share the experiences of the first 10 months of our babies lives with each other. All of us have different experiences yet somehow we all have the same. It is very special bond and nice to know I am not alone, not only in Motherhood but in this country that is not my own and not yet quite my home.

I am so sad to already have to say goodbye to some of these people that have helped me so much as I adapt to life as an expat Mama. I know we will still have stories to share in our Facebook group and it’s so good to know we have that space to write feely and be there for each other because having other people go through exactly what you are is the best support system there is. Especially when your baby doesn’t sleep!

I feel so grateful for these ladies and babies and find myself wondering how different my expat life would be, how different a Mother I would be, had I never joined them or had my baby been born a month later. I am a little bit of a believer in everything happens for a reason and so whilst the most recent and most sudden goodbye may not seem to have one yet I hope one day it will.

In the meantime we have to learn to enjoy what we have and appreciate the time we have shared.

As I put my boys to bed this evening I watched each of them sleep for a bit and as always I was overwhelmed by how much I love them and how quickly the time with them has gone. But I could see every past moment in their faces and felt grateful for everything we have shared so far. Life really is short, too short, just like those contracts. It is all over so quickly and before we know it we are saying the hardest goodbyes of all. It’s not always easy to follow a ‘live everyday day like it’s your last’ attitude but I do believe we should learn to take the time to appreciate each moment in life, no matter how insignificant it seems at the time, because as Kurt Vonnegut aptly said “Enjoy the little things in life because one day you’ll look back and realise they were the big things”.

People need to understand that for good or bad their actions have consequences and moments can stay with people for a lifetime. Just as we need to endure our babies falling so we can help teach them how to get up we too have to suffer the downs to benefit from the highs. At the end of it all every moment counts and every person you meet will effect you. So let the bad things make you stronger and learn to soak up the good stuff because in the end “the best things in life are the people we meet, the places we go and the memories we make along the way” (Author unknown). We can’t stop the world from moving and goodbyes are inevitable but the in between is up to us.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x