“Somewhere Slow” (New Year, New Start)

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

 

I have only a handful of New Year’s intentions, several more New Year’s hopes and wishes but only 1 real New Year’s resolution for 2017.

Like all good intentions – drink less, eat better, workout more – I am not off to a very good start. I could give you a load of excuses as to why – Little M isn’t sleeping well so I am exhausted and deserve a little tipple of an evening, I’ve had a chest infection and who wants to workout when they’re ill? But truthfully I just don’t care enough. Bad attitude I know but I am of the mind that (for example) if you’re gonna quit smoking, you have to really ‘want’ to quit smoking. Hence these were ‘intentions’ not proper resolutions – somehow I feel better about breaking intentions than resolutions. I know, I know. Excuses, excuses. As I said I don’t care!

The hopes and wishes, like most Mamas, are for health and happiness for my family and friends, and maybe a bit less stress, a bit more money and a focus on the good stuff rather than the bad so much. A nice holiday somewhere sunny wouldn’t go a miss either! Ooh and dance lessons. I’d really like to take some dance lessons this year…..sorry getting off point now! And on a grand scale of course I also agree with Miss America and hope for world peace…………………………………………………………………………….. oops – sorry my finger froze. Must have gone into a Trump trance. Well, as I said, one can dream.

So, to the resolution. I decided that for this year I really only want one thing. For myself and most importantly for my children. All I really want to try and do is ‘slow down’. I just want to slow down.

Every morning I hear myself shouting ‘hurry up LJ. Come on M. We’re late’ Ok, sure. It is important that we are on time but it is also important to take the time to get ready properly. We start every day with stress. And for no real reason. We are still one of the first families at Kindergarten in the morning. My husband one of the first into the office. I am one of the earliest shoppers and probably, to my neighbours annoyance, one of the first to get the hoover out. So why can’t we just slow down a little bit……

Everywhere we go I feel like I am rushing. In museums we rush from one exhibit to the other. When I pick LJ up I am always trying to get him to hurry up so we can get home. I hear myself say the words “come on!” about a hundred times a day. We seem to have to be on lightning speed all the time. Always in a hurry to get out the door. To get home. To get dinner. To get in the bath. To get to bed. And then we wake up and it all starts again!

I don’t want to do that anymore. I want my children to be able to enjoy their days. Take the time to really see things and appreciate them. To be able to eat their meals or enjoy their baths without being rushed into the next activity. I want to let them learn in their own time. I want to not feel impatient because they are being ‘too slow’.

I want to let my children lead.

And with that in mind I need to ‘slow down’. I need to go at their pace. After all, they only have little legs!

Sometimes what is slow to us is lightning speed to them and I need to stop and remember that they won’t be little for much longer. Soon their legs will outgrow mine and I will be the one playing catch up.

My Grandparents turned 90 this Winter. 90 years seems so long, yet somehow it has just gone in the blink of an eye. And it just really made me stop and think.

It feels like we have forever and so much time on our hands that we rush through our days believing that we can do everything tomorrow. But at some point there won’t be a tomorrow.

I have been lucky enough to have every one of my Grandparents in my life for every major event so far.

For the last 35 years they have been there for me in one way or another – physically, emotionally, financially. They have shared in every life event that has happened to me – my birth, my Christening, my first tooth, my first steps, when I had the main role in the school play, my dance shows, my graduation, my wedding and so far for every moment of my children’s lives too.

I took it for granted they would always be there.

Then on Boxing Day my Grandad left our house because he couldn’t breathe properly and that night was admitted to hospital with a chest infection (as well as underlying conditions). I was too busy helping my Nanny get her coat on to even kiss him goodbye. I could only wave as they drove away. On his 90th birthday we flew back to Austria with the knowledge that Boxing Day 2016 may be the last time we will ever see him. My Grandad. My hero.

He’s still with us but remains in hospital and things will never be the same again. Suddenly I feel like I rushed through every moment of my time with my Grandad and whilst I know we had amazing times together I worry that I missed things because I was always in a rush to get to ‘the next thing on my list’. Always believing there would be another day, another tomorrow, for the things I didn’t do or say.

The point is time goes too quickly as it is and I don’t want to rush my kids through the best bits anymore. So we are going to slow down this year. I am sure there will be days I still say ‘hurry up’ and ‘come on’ (probably more than I would like) but I am determined to live in the here and now as much as possible. Taking each day as it comes and enjoying each moment so I can help my children make memories they will cherish forever.

I don’t know if I will get to give my Grandad that last goodbye kiss but I will hold onto the memories of the thousands of other goodbye kisses we have had and be grateful for every moment we have shared in between.

I can’t control the past or the future (or the lack of sleep we get it seems!) but I can control the present and make sure my children get the opportunity to experience everything they can. In their own way and in their own time. As painful as not sleeping is, I need to try not to focus on getting to an age where he will sleep as quickly as possible because ultimately I am just wishing his life away. And it’s time to stop. (Well, try to anyway!)

So Happy New Year! I hope your intentions stay good. I pray that your hopes and wishes come true and that you manage to stay true to your resolutions. Who knows what 2017 will bring but I’m going to take it slowly. As the fable goes, it is the tortoise that wins in the end.

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“Happy New Year”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

I am ashamed to see I haven’t posted properly since October – Bad Exhausted Mama! Fear not though my loyal 4 subscribers, I am here to let you know that I am still alive.

I haven’t been kidnapped by aliens, taken into an insane asylum for sleep deprived parents or converted to Trumpism, I am just genuinely so exhausted and have been so busy with work, German courses and the devil that is my non-sleeping, constantly attached to my leg toddler, that while the words have been whirring around in my head, actually finding the time to sit down and give you all the attention they deserve has been impossible.

So I am just checking in to wish you a very belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ahead. I hope 2017 brings you all the love, happiness, good times and most importantly sleep that you deserve!

Speak soon – I promise!! (Well, I’ll try my very best anyway!)

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“Open All Hours”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

Chasing this little guy = 1 super exhausted Mama but sleep versus this face = no contest!

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Fear not fellow sleep deprived parents; I have not abandoned you. You should know by now that my long silences are usually the result of yet another bad sleeping period! And alas I can confirm that I am still very much an exhausted Mama.

It has been approximately 521 nights since our beautiful boy arrived and approximately 520 nights of broken, disturbed sleep.

I reported a midweek miracle not too long ago in which we had a fleeting moment of hope for more sleep filled nights but, as predicted, it was not to last and I can honestly say that is the only time in the 521 days of my darling boy’s existence that I would use the sentence “he slept through the night”. (I friggin’ hate that sentence!!! Even more so in question form!)

For a brief period I did feel like he was genuinely getting better. The milk in the night stopped completely and if he did wake up he would happily have some water or baby tea and go straight off again. I could cope with that. I think we have even had a brief period where he was only waking once.

But then the dreaded teeth started moving again. Dribble by day (literally covered in his own saliva like something out of Ghostbusters which is unbelievable for me as LJ never dribbled a drop!) and at night a little demon. Waking constantly in pain and discomfort. Ye ole faithful Calpol didn’t seem to deter it and only Bonjela on the dummy was enough to get him to doze off again – for a mere 2 hours at a time!

In the Summer though we somehow managed to get into a routine where we could just lie him down in the cot, leave him and he would drop off on his own. Previously he was a complete ‘rock to sleep in our arms baby’ so this felt like a real turning point and then that magical night came and I almost (almost!) let myself believe we had turned a corner but then…..yep, another damn tooth!

Since then we have had good and bad nights again. A horrendous couple of weeks when we got back home after our trip to the UK and then a bit more of a settled period. Recently he has been giving us atleast a bit of an evening before causing chaos in the middle of the night – sometimes literally wanting to get up and play at 3am! But he has atleast maintained a fairly quick routine of being put to bed on his own, and at a decent hour, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much!

The problem with Baby M, however, is that no matter how he sleeps he wakes up early. Usually between 6 and 6.30am and as someone who is really not a morning person it just drains me. And when he has had a particularly bad night and then STILL wakes up at 6am it’s a killer. I am at this time truly grateful to the makers of morning children’s tv and can honestly say I have no guilt whatsoever about switching the tv on – when I can manage to wearily reach for the remote control – and let him sit between us in bed (oh yeah I forgot to mention he rarely makes it to morning in his own bed anymore!) watching cartoons whilst we try to snooze.

I will admit I am very lucky that my darling husband is always on breakfast duty. Sometimes I even get a coffee brought to me! I manage to drag myself up to get the boys dressed (around about the time of the Ritterburg cartoon) and LJ’s stuff sorted for kindergarten and somehow we are out of the house by 7.45. But most mornings it is a blur.

These days I am back home having done the food shop, put the washing on, tidied the kitchen and emptied or stacked the dishwasher by the time I would normally be hitting the snooze button and my brain demanding its first caffeine kick of the day. It makes me laugh to think I used to call 9am early! I can honestly say I have never been so tired.

I used to be a person that was up late into the night. Sometimes not going to bed until 2am, knowing I could get up late. The truth is I probably didn’t get all that much more sleep back then but the point was I was in control of it. If I wanted to go to bed early I could, if I wanted to get up late I could. Now I’m totally at the mercy of my children and it’s hard not being in charge of your own sleep patterns. It’s especially hard feeling so exhausted at 8pm that your body and brain already wants to go to sleep but that stubborn part of you that wants to be in control won’t let you go to bed that early. So instead you sit up watching Netflix or doing work that can probably wait.

At the time of writing this I am sat on a plane on the way to London for work. Child free! I can not wait to sleep. Don’t get me wrong I will miss my babies. I will wonder what they are dong all the time I am not with them but when I snuggle into those bed covers and lay my head down on that pillow I will be smiling. And when my friend’s little girl stirs (which she rarely does to be honest) I will simply roll over and be grateful that for once I don’t have to be the one to get up!

They always say you don’t appreciate things until they’re gone and sleep theft is no exception.

With that in mind though you just have to remember what you would miss more….sleep or your children. I know, sometimes that feels like a tough one!, but sleepless nights is just 1 short (albeit horrendous) period in their lives. Trust me, it took 3 years with LJ but we got there in the end.

When I have a particularly bad night that’s what gets me through. A life without sleep is tough but survivable, a life without my children would not be worth living.

So I’ll enjoy the sleeps I get and revel in moaning about the painfully exhausting nights that are oh, so familiar because in the end pain is good, pain means you’re alive.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“The Hunger Games”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

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So the Olympic Games are sadly over in Rio (although atleast we still have the Paralympics to enjoy) and in their honour we seem to be having some of our own lately. Musical beds being top of the list and with gold going straight to Little M, silver to LJ and, well, Ste and I aren’t even in the top 10.

Every night seems to be a blur at the moment with heat, teeth and growth spurts meaning extra toilet runs to keep us busy!

And while the games were on it was not helped of course by the fact that, due to the time difference, most of the finals and medal matches were at 3.30am!! To be fair I have relied mostly on my Team GB app and next day replays (apart from the Murray v Del Potro final – also known as the most uncomfortable match in the history of tennis – but it was one I just could not bring myself to miss and am so pleased I got to see Murray take the Gold again, even if I did need match sticks the next day!)

Olympic fever definitely hit our family this Summer though and drawing on the inspiration Ste and I have been getting into some training of our own!

I have been feeling rather sluggish of late, not helped by our little boy’s recent teething escapades but also in part to my overactive thyroid condition and the fact that I haven’t really done any regular exercise since M was born (I know, horrendous right?!).

I haven’t really been eating properly either and as someone who suffered gestational diabetes this time, watching what I eat has become a higher priority than ever as I really don’t want to end up with full-blown diabetes.

I toyed with the #Whole30 and bow down to my much stronger friends who have gone for it but at the moment it is a bit too much for me so instead I’m opting for an ‘everything in moderation’ approach and cutting down on things like bread and pasta that I feel have added to my bloatedness – especially while I’m not doing the exercising to warrant so much carbohydrates!

In terms of fitness we have downloaded the 7 minute workout challenge and have been doing it every day. 7 minutes doesn’t sound like a lot but the fast paced approach (30 sec exercise, 10 sec rest – which is more like 5 by the time you have set yourself for the next exercise – and 12 exercises in total) definitely has our hearts pumping, sweat dripping and muscles reacting. The idea is that the workout can be done anytime, anywhere and because of the intense interval training the set up is relative to a longer workout. For optimal results you obviously want to be increasing to as many circuits as you can manage with the ultimate goal of increasing your metabolism and therefore energy levels and overall fitness. It’s not something that’s going to work for everyone but for me, who just needed something to give me that motivational boost and remind me that I actually quite like working out, it has been great so far and we will be increasing to 2 circuits soon.

Of course when you watch the sheer strength and determination of the Brownlee brothers or the speed of Usain Bolt. The stamina of Mo Farrah or the power of the rowers my huffing and puffing over 30 seconds of running with high knees seems a bit excessive but as the BBC keep saying: if the Games have inspired anyone to take up even 1 new thing it’s worth it.

The best thing has been LJ’s interest. He wants to ‘do sport’ with Mama and whilst the plank, with his little shadow sitting on top of me, is a bit of a harder work-out than I intended, anything that gets my children excited about exercise is amazing.

The best thing about the Summer – especially this wonderful one we are having – is being able to get outside and just have fun with it! Children learn and develop better when they don’t realise they are learning. And in the same way they enjoy and get fitter through activities and sports that they don’t attribute as ‘exercise’. Make it fun and it all seems easier to handle. And what’s more if you can handle that hard work you might even reap the rewards of being part of something as special as the Olympics.

I have no aspirations of being a hero myself but I have been inspired to get off the couch and try to be more like those sporting heroes I have been following and I’m using my children’s help to do it.

So, we have have been running and climbing. Playing football and tennis. Swimming and scooting. And quite frankly the constant going up and down stairs as we are at my Mum’s house at the moment is enough of a workout in its own right.

And then there’s my 7 minutes because, well, every little helps.

Next year I will have a six pack when I put my bikini on again (maybe!)

I will have the energy to run across the sand with my children and not want to collapse before I get to the sea.

I will be able to teach a whole workshop without my back playing up because my stomach muscles will be strong enough to hold me upright.

Our bodies go through a lot when we have babies, regardless of what injuries and illness may also slow us down, but that doesn’t mean we have to put up with it. With the inspiration of some friends and the many super heroes from the Olympic Games, and the many more to follow in the Paralympics, I am slowly trying to get back into gear and remind myself that I once had a hunger for sport.

The Olympic Games may be over but I’m determined in our house it is just the start – for all of us. So let the games begin and “may the odds be ever in [our] favour!”

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“Hope Springs”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

A Midweek Miracle:

Stop the press. I have front page news. Last night, Little M actually slept for…..wait for it….are you excited??….8 hours and 40minutes straight!!! I woke up at 2am for a LJ toilet trip and the little beaut was still soundo. He came into bed with me at 4.40am, had a drink and then slept until 7.07am and I woke up feeling, well, almost human. There was certainly no springing from the bed and bursting into Disney inspired song about what a beautiful morning it is but definitely more ‘Sleeping Beauty’ than ‘Night of the Living Dead’!

After some horrendous (teeth fueled!) nights, and a couple of “good ones” that still consisted of atleast 4 hourly wake-up calls, I think this has to be considered the most successful night of sleep in the long sixteen and half months of restless nights so far!!

I post this not to gloat; believe me, even if he started sleeping soundly through every night I would never throw that in any exhausted Mother’s face because I know the pain it causes!

I am sure it is a one off and I am sure it will be another few months, if not more, before I am celebrating such a night again. I certainly won’t be throwing out the match sticks or starting a caffeine detox anytime soon but the main thing from this night is the knowledge that there actually is some HOPE. Other wisely Mums told me it was possible but I will admit my faith was beginning to wane.

I won’t make the mistake of trying to recreate the night from before – that never seems to work – I will allow fate to take it’s course and see what tonight brings but for now atleast I can enjoy the sun and the day ahead with my beautiful boys feeling atleast a little bit more energised than usual!

Are you experiencing a midweek miracle or still praying for one? Join the chat on Facebook.

 

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x