“The Silence”

Mama Atzi / / 1 Comment

So firstly apologies for my radio silence over the last months. It has been way longer than I intended.

I have tried to write many blogs since I last posted but the quiet was too much for me at a time when the loss of my Grandad was still very raw and I found myself only able to think of him. I wrote about the 5 stages of grief in my “Sleepless in Schwechat” post but this was the first time I truly felt it for real. And it sucks! I still haven’t really accepted my Grandad has gone. He still pops into my mind constantly. Memories and thoughts that are ignited by the slightest of things – posters for the cuddly vegetables he saved tokens to get us, photos on my walls, crosswords, fisherman as we walk past the river, offers for drinks in the supermarkets, cherry tomatoes and carrots growing in our allotment and a million other seemingly inconsequential things that just remind me of him at unexpected moments.

During the first month after Grandad died Little M was going through a phase of needing me to lie near the cot as he went off to sleep. Lying there in the dark I found the silence deafening and, just as it had been when I tried to write, I found myself just crying into the quiet. I realised I needed to give myself a distraction and since I was not at all happy with my lack of exercise I created the Cotside Challenge Workout!! No app or membership required. Simply lie down on the floor, while your clingy child attempts to go to sleep and let you have some peace for once, and do some Pilates based exercises! 

I was able to work my tummy, my pelvis, my back, arms, legs and thighs. Do some quiet stretches and suddenly I wasn’t only thinking about sad things anymore. I wasn’t getting annoyed with my toddler for not sleeping and the time went so much quicker. I can’t say I saw many physical benefits as a result of my new work out plan – no 6 pack or particularly toned thighs – but it did help while away those quiet moments that were slowly eating me alive.

My toddler was happy because I was quietly breathing next to him and I was happy because my mind was elsewhere and for the first time in forever I didn’t even resent my child for making me lie with him!!

After this I realised I needed to find similar distractions during the day so I must admit that I did throw myself into some new ventures – possibly a few too many now the dust has settled a bit but I also needed a push. Even though it meant I continued to neglect my dear blog.

Not long after this Little M decided he was ok to go off to sleep on his own – score! So my Cotside Challenge dwindled away…for a while anyway! (Don’t worry I still don’t have a good sleeper!!)

So much has happened in the last few months. So much I would have liked to share with you all but couldn’t.

I will always have my moments, a part of me has been changed forever now, but the quiet is easier to deal with and instead of being sad I need to be grateful for the life I have – in part because of my Grandad – and instead of being scared of the feeling that hits me in the silence, embrace it and know it just means that Grandad is still here with me.

So yes lots has happened in the last few months but I’ll save that for the next post…

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“28 Days”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

February might only have 28 days in it but I can honestly say that February 2017 has been the longest (and one of the most painful) of my life.

It actually started out quite full of hope. A positive job interview, Little M seemingly excited about starting Kindergarten and this Exhausted Mama believing that she might get to have a little bit of a recoup before being thrown into the world of work! Sadly it was not meant to be.

When it comes to childcare and children’s classes I have always been a ‘rip the band aid’ kind of person. I don’t believe it helps the child (or parent) to prolong the agony and after countless situations as a dance teacher where I have watched and seen firsthand as parents coddle and pander to their child instead of letting them take it in their own stride and just get on with it, ultimately making it much harder for the child to settle and enjoy themselves, I feel my ‘professional’ opinion atleast is justified.

If they’re not ready they’re not ready but if they are you have to let them go.

With that in mind I have always respected and trusted that other professionals (i.e childcare providers) know what they’re doing. So with LJ, when we were told the Kindergarten settling in period in London would be around 3 days I was skeptical but stayed positive and decided to go with it.

And it worked. Sure there were tears when I left for a while, but a few minutes outside the door proved it was (mostly) for show and all in all the transition was smooth and calm.

So when it came to starting our way more independent, second child, I just did not envision that it would go so badly!!! Or take so long!

As a Mama and a teacher I know that not every child is the same. They develop at different rates; talk, walk, skip and plie in their own time at their own speed. I know you have to choose your teaching style to suit the child’s personality. I know some children take longer to settle than others.

While I believe in ‘ripping the band aid’ I do also know that some children will find that harder than others. That there is always an exception to the rule. I just never thought my child would be that exception.

I’m forever telling people not to stress over their sleep deprivation (even though that’s all I ever do!), reminding them that “some babies just don’t sleep”. I wasn’t surprised that my second baby was also a non-sleeper but I didn’t expect him to be one of “those babies that just don’t settle” as well. Of course I hadn’t had such a Mama’s boy before either!

3 weeks later and I was still only able to leave for 30 mins – an hour if I was lucky. 3 weeks of downing McDonalds coffees (all I had time for). 3 weeks of sad little points at the door to the exit or LJ’s grouproom. 3 weeks of not understanding why I was sitting there but not really playing with him. 3 weeks of stress, tears, tantrums, clinging and worry. 3 weeks of heartbreak.

We had the feeling that Little M would probably settle better if he could join the older group where his big brother was but as Principal of a dance school, where you are constantly second guessed by parents (if you give them the chance) who supposedly know better than you and your 20 years worth of training and experience, I didn’t want to be “that” parent.

I was grateful when after a meeting the Kindergarten team, of their own accord, came to the same conclusion as us (see, Mummies and Daddies we do know what we’re doing, will always listen and appreciate your parental instincts and opinions but ultimately will make the right decision without you so please don’t push! Ok, sometimes you need to, your baby comes first, but just be nice about it!)

And hey presto, 3 days later he was already more settled than he had after 3 weeks in the baby group (so maybe us parents do know something too)! By day 5 there were no tears and I was able to leave him for most of the morning. Day 6 and he’s staying there for lunch – which since I don’t have a regular job here yet is all I was asking for anyway!!

So my faith in the ‘ripping the band aid’ philosophy does work – under the right circumstances or Kindergarten group anyway!

Finally, there was a light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Sadly though another light was starting to fade and on February 26th my world got a little dimmer when I received the worst FaceTime call of my life so far.

I knew as soon as the words ‘Mum and Dad Would Like to FaceTime’ flashed up on my screen at 10.30pm what was about to happen and with a deep breath I clicked ‘Accept’, a complete juxtaposition of what I was feeling, and prepared to hear the words that I had been preparing myself to hear for the last 2 weeks. I ripped that stupid bandaid and listened quietly as my Mum very calmly told me my darling Grandad was gone forever.

You may remember from my “Somewhere Slow” post that I wasn’t sure if I would get to see him again. I am grateful to be able to say that I did manage to fly over at the beginning of February and even more grateful that I was able to get that last goodbye kiss. I can’t honestly say it’s given me any more comfort but in time I hope it will.

Right now I still keep going over everything I should have said or could have done differently. Like one extra hug or trying to fit in one more visit before I flew home. If I’d said my usual ‘see you soon’ would he still be with us? But in the end none of it makes a difference and the only thing that is important is that Grandad is at peace.

I had the most amazing, special Grandad in my life for nearly 36 years. He got to know both my boys and LJ got to know him. Little M will have our photos, memories and stories.

So yes it’s been a very long, very tough month. There’s been a lot of tears and a lot of tantrums – and not all from the baby.

But the kindergarten team have been patient and kind and I’m confident Little M will soon be running into Kiga without a backward glance.

The NHS staff at the Norfolk and Norwich were phenomenal with my Grandad and their efforts and professionalism allowed him to fall asleep peacefully and with dignity. The way he deserved.

Right now I don’t know how to accept a reality where my Grandad no longer exists. Every time I think about it I get punched. The time between hits slowly increases but for the rest of my life they’ll be there.

At the end of the day, whether you rip the band aid or slowly peel it away the pain is still there. You don’t get over it any quicker, it just affects you differently.

Sometimes you just have to let the professionals choose the best course of action and pray that they are right.

So, sleep tight Grandad. It’ll be hard without you but you taught us well and we’ll carry you and your lessons in our hearts forever:

“I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living my Grandad you’ll be”*

Love always – your Katy xxx

To my lovely readers;

Sweet Dreams,

Mama Atzi x

*Words taken and adapted from the Robert Munsch book ‘Love you forever’ www.robertmunsch.com

“The Twilight Saga”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

Throw out the books, don’t hit that search button on Google.  If your question is “how long does teething last?” I will save you the trouble: it’s FOREVER. The ‘experts’ will say it’s only 3-5 days when the tooth is actually breaking through but exhausted Mama’s everywhere will say differently. I know who I believe!

To be honest with you I don’t know if our recent twilight (and midnight, dawn, early morning…) escapades are from teeth or just because my child is the devil incarnate but recently he has been waking up more times than I can count on my fingers and toes combined. After many painful nights it seems to be followed by a slightly better one and the sighting of a pair of molars (or whatever those big ones are called!) poking through.

The truth is, as you know, little M is NOT a good sleeper at the best of times. The breakthrough we had in the Summer, whereby he was atleast going off to sleep on his own and staying that way until around 11pm, thus giving us something of a decent evening, suddenly disappeared one sad winter’s eve and despite my best efforts has not occurred again since**. In fact he’s been worse than ever. Turning into the biggest Mama’s boy I have ever known and needing me to be with him until he is well and truly out cold. The slow step backwards shush-shush shuffle to the door sometimes being the only way I can leave his room without his pin-drop hearing making his head pop up so fast that it roots me to the spot in a second so as not to make him scream blue murder at me for daring to try and leave the room – 1 hour after I entered it!!!! (Ok that might be a slight exaggeration but it feels like an hour). It is a real wonder these days that I have any hair left at all what from 1) all the pregnancy and post pregnancy hormones and 2) all the frustrated hair pulling that is going on right now.

I would like to say it gives me solace that others are sharing my pain; even having a worse time of it with waking up every half an hour and only being comforted by Mum but honestly it doesn’t. Because I understand completely how tough it is and I feel for them as much as I feel for myself.

I see friends who have little or no troubles with their babes sleeping and whilst I am happy for them I am jealous as hell and it just frustrates me because honestly coping with a child that doesn’t sleep for a long period of time just can not be comprehended until you have been there. Like child birth. No matter how many people tell you how much it is going to hurt you truly have no idea until you have done it (survived through a pain that it feels impossible you should).

For me the only way to get through the lack of sleep during these particularly horrendous times is to have a reason. A scapegoat if you like. And for little M it’s teeth (LJ was always having a growth spurt!) Whether he is or isn’t I don’t really know or care but for every night that he is extra awful I will blame it on those pesky, pearly whites. For as long as I can. Even when he has a full set of ’em probably!

And all I can say to my fellow sleep deprived, at the end of your rope Mamas and Papas, is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. LJ’s “growth spurts” did stop and he sleeps like an angel now. Sure it took a while (for some it will be less, for some it will be longer) but your time will come and in the meantime – whilst it’s hard not to be jealous of those friends already sleeping – remember that you are a superstar! Because it’s tough being a Mum. It’s tougher being a Mum that doesn’t sleep.

It’s tough being a working Mum. It’s even tougher being a working Mum that doesn’t sleep.

It’s tough being a working Mum who also does all her own shopping, cleaning, washing, cooking etc. It’s near impossible being a working Mum that does all the housework AND DOES NOT SLEEP!!!!

You get my point anyway.

Trust me, you’re a superstar even on days you feel like you really can’t do it anymore. Like childbirth. You will do it. You will make it through, no matter how much it hurts, because you have to. Because your baby needs you to and you would do anything for your baby.

And if none of that helps, remember this – babies that sleep less grow up to be more intelligent*. One day all that lack of sleep means your baby is going to change the world!

Sweet (albeit short) dreams –

Mama Atzi x

*Based on an article I am pretty sure I read once but could also have been made up by another sleep deprived Mother so don’t take it as gospel. Like I said: Having a reason=Good. Not sleeping=Bad. #copingmechanism

**Since writing the above post I have managed to achieve 3 nights in a row of putting M down to sleep, leaving the room fairly quickly and not be beckoned to return until atleast 11pm. Wooh hooh!! Progress!! (hmmmm For now!)

“Somewhere Slow” (New Year, New Start)

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

 

I have only a handful of New Year’s intentions, several more New Year’s hopes and wishes but only 1 real New Year’s resolution for 2017.

Like all good intentions – drink less, eat better, workout more – I am not off to a very good start. I could give you a load of excuses as to why – Little M isn’t sleeping well so I am exhausted and deserve a little tipple of an evening, I’ve had a chest infection and who wants to workout when they’re ill? But truthfully I just don’t care enough. Bad attitude I know but I am of the mind that (for example) if you’re gonna quit smoking, you have to really ‘want’ to quit smoking. Hence these were ‘intentions’ not proper resolutions – somehow I feel better about breaking intentions than resolutions. I know, I know. Excuses, excuses. As I said I don’t care!

The hopes and wishes, like most Mamas, are for health and happiness for my family and friends, and maybe a bit less stress, a bit more money and a focus on the good stuff rather than the bad so much. A nice holiday somewhere sunny wouldn’t go a miss either! Ooh and dance lessons. I’d really like to take some dance lessons this year…..sorry getting off point now! And on a grand scale of course I also agree with Miss America and hope for world peace…………………………………………………………………………….. oops – sorry my finger froze. Must have gone into a Trump trance. Well, as I said, one can dream.

So, to the resolution. I decided that for this year I really only want one thing. For myself and most importantly for my children. All I really want to try and do is ‘slow down’. I just want to slow down.

Every morning I hear myself shouting ‘hurry up LJ. Come on M. We’re late’ Ok, sure. It is important that we are on time but it is also important to take the time to get ready properly. We start every day with stress. And for no real reason. We are still one of the first families at Kindergarten in the morning. My husband one of the first into the office. I am one of the earliest shoppers and probably, to my neighbours annoyance, one of the first to get the hoover out. So why can’t we just slow down a little bit……

Everywhere we go I feel like I am rushing. In museums we rush from one exhibit to the other. When I pick LJ up I am always trying to get him to hurry up so we can get home. I hear myself say the words “come on!” about a hundred times a day. We seem to have to be on lightning speed all the time. Always in a hurry to get out the door. To get home. To get dinner. To get in the bath. To get to bed. And then we wake up and it all starts again!

I don’t want to do that anymore. I want my children to be able to enjoy their days. Take the time to really see things and appreciate them. To be able to eat their meals or enjoy their baths without being rushed into the next activity. I want to let them learn in their own time. I want to not feel impatient because they are being ‘too slow’.

I want to let my children lead.

And with that in mind I need to ‘slow down’. I need to go at their pace. After all, they only have little legs!

Sometimes what is slow to us is lightning speed to them and I need to stop and remember that they won’t be little for much longer. Soon their legs will outgrow mine and I will be the one playing catch up.

My Grandparents turned 90 this Winter. 90 years seems so long, yet somehow it has just gone in the blink of an eye. And it just really made me stop and think.

It feels like we have forever and so much time on our hands that we rush through our days believing that we can do everything tomorrow. But at some point there won’t be a tomorrow.

I have been lucky enough to have every one of my Grandparents in my life for every major event so far.

For the last 35 years they have been there for me in one way or another – physically, emotionally, financially. They have shared in every life event that has happened to me – my birth, my Christening, my first tooth, my first steps, when I had the main role in the school play, my dance shows, my graduation, my wedding and so far for every moment of my children’s lives too.

I took it for granted they would always be there.

Then on Boxing Day my Grandad left our house because he couldn’t breathe properly and that night was admitted to hospital with a chest infection (as well as underlying conditions). I was too busy helping my Nanny get her coat on to even kiss him goodbye. I could only wave as they drove away. On his 90th birthday we flew back to Austria with the knowledge that Boxing Day 2016 may be the last time we will ever see him. My Grandad. My hero.

He’s still with us but remains in hospital and things will never be the same again. Suddenly I feel like I rushed through every moment of my time with my Grandad and whilst I know we had amazing times together I worry that I missed things because I was always in a rush to get to ‘the next thing on my list’. Always believing there would be another day, another tomorrow, for the things I didn’t do or say.

The point is time goes too quickly as it is and I don’t want to rush my kids through the best bits anymore. So we are going to slow down this year. I am sure there will be days I still say ‘hurry up’ and ‘come on’ (probably more than I would like) but I am determined to live in the here and now as much as possible. Taking each day as it comes and enjoying each moment so I can help my children make memories they will cherish forever.

I don’t know if I will get to give my Grandad that last goodbye kiss but I will hold onto the memories of the thousands of other goodbye kisses we have had and be grateful for every moment we have shared in between.

I can’t control the past or the future (or the lack of sleep we get it seems!) but I can control the present and make sure my children get the opportunity to experience everything they can. In their own way and in their own time. As painful as not sleeping is, I need to try not to focus on getting to an age where he will sleep as quickly as possible because ultimately I am just wishing his life away. And it’s time to stop. (Well, try to anyway!)

So Happy New Year! I hope your intentions stay good. I pray that your hopes and wishes come true and that you manage to stay true to your resolutions. Who knows what 2017 will bring but I’m going to take it slowly. As the fable goes, it is the tortoise that wins in the end.

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“Happy New Year”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

I am ashamed to see I haven’t posted properly since October – Bad Exhausted Mama! Fear not though my loyal 4 subscribers, I am here to let you know that I am still alive.

I haven’t been kidnapped by aliens, taken into an insane asylum for sleep deprived parents or converted to Trumpism, I am just genuinely so exhausted and have been so busy with work, German courses and the devil that is my non-sleeping, constantly attached to my leg toddler, that while the words have been whirring around in my head, actually finding the time to sit down and give you all the attention they deserve has been impossible.

So I am just checking in to wish you a very belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year ahead. I hope 2017 brings you all the love, happiness, good times and most importantly sleep that you deserve!

Speak soon – I promise!! (Well, I’ll try my very best anyway!)

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x