What a year. So I know I have been pretty useless this last year in the blogging sense. It has not been my intention to be so. Quite the opposite. I have simply been living the life as described by the title of my blog and ultimately been too exhausted to actually put anything vaguely coherent together worthy of posting.
2017 has been the toughest year of my life. With so many ups and downs and seriously low lows. Full of loss and sadness, toddler tantrums, new schools, new jobs and too many small but ultimately time consuming or energy zapping issues to contend with.
Since last writing properly I have a 2 year old totally gorgeous but painfully exhausting trouble maker and a school kid who lost his first tooth this month! Time has seemingly flown by whilst I have been struggling, in all honesty, to keep it together and cope with my boys who are now so big I can barely tell who’s clothes belongs to who anymore. (Embarrassing Mama moment: Picking up LJ from school only to realise he was wearing an age 2-3 year olds top. Think Ross putting on that Frankie Says Relax t-shirt in Friends!)
Little M found it tough adjusting to Kiga without his big brother whilst LJ – the one we were worried about – has taken school all in his stride really. Overcoming many obstacles and really doing us proud – even if he does hate and constantly moan about his homework because it’s “soooo boring”!!
Little M has however also come on leaps and bounds this year. Security issues aside he’s really trying to talk, he’s so independent in so many ways and man does he idolise his big brother. LJ now has to really watch what he does and says, especially considering the following came out of his mouth the other day: “What the f@£k!” Then catching my look: “Mama, do we say ‘what the f@£k?” No son, no we do not!! Especially not in front of your very susceptible 2 year old brother who already says Kaka for Car (the German word for Poo!) which seems to have caught on with some of the younger children at Kindergarten!!
Though not always easy there has been job success this year with both myself and Ste and I have been especially excited and overwhelmed by the amazing response to my dance classes here. In a year that has been mostly black I have been able to get some of my dance sparkle back thanks to some extremely wonderful and supportive people – Joanna, Begum and Ozlem you have literally kept me sane and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
As I sit here waiting for my boys and their Oma, Opa and Uroma to arrive in anticipation of ChristKind, I am reminded of the only thing that is important in this world: Love, family and friendship.
Through Brexit, Donald Trump. some too close to home terror attacks and saying goodbye to 2 of the most wonderful Grandfathers to ever have graced this Earth as well as Allan and Peter, two major figures in a child- and adolescent-hood full of incredible memories, I really can only look at my two beautiful boys and feel thankful.
I learnt for the first time what true grief feels like and how helpless you are to it. Too many friends have lost people they held dear this year and I am not too naive to admit that this year was only the beginning for us too. For the first time I really understand the importance of living in the moment.
It’s not always easy of course – the fights are now quite epic as one boy inevitably always wants what the other wants, somedays I feel like nothing but a taxi driver as I face the logistics that come with new schools and jobs and my fingers have become ever more attached to my iPhone as I juggle 2 dance schools and a “normal” job as well as trying to make sure we have food in the fridge and atleast a semi-clean apartment! Some days I wonder how we survived without smartphones and Google drive and how I ever managed to maintain any kind of contact with my family before Whats App was created. I thank all at Amazon – the true Santas of this crazy modern world – without whom few of my family members would have had presents this Christmas, let alone my kids!
So yes, living every day like it’s your last is not always possible – especially when some days it takes every ounce of strength just to get out of bed in the morning – but it is my aim to appreciate what I have more. Last year’s resolution was to slow down and take the time to enjoy each moment more. We really managed that to an extent so this year simply needs to be a continuation of that.
I am working to give my family, and me, a better life but some days it feels like all I ever do is work and although I enjoy a lot of it, there are days where I begrudge my children interrupting me and that’s not what I want to feel. If I can’t take some time out to just enjoy my kids while they are still kids then really what’s the point of it all anyway?
Finding a balance between the work you need to do, the work you like to do and still spending quality time with the people you love is hard but it shouldn’t be impossible.
As always Christmas is a wonderful reminder of what is important and as we come to the end of a year where we have said too many goodbyes it really is time to make more of an effort to spend time with the people I love and holding my kids a little more now – while I have the chance – because at the end of it all it won’t be my phone I will want to hold in my arms.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!
Sweet dreams –
Mama Atzi x
