I am very aware I have been quiet for a while. It is not because I haven’t had anything to say. Quite the opposite in fact – I have had too much. Words and thoughts, too many thoughts, have been swimming around my head since the referendum result (of which I am still in shock over!) and to be honest I was too scared to write what I really felt. After all this is supposed to be a tired Mama’s blog, certainly nothing politically based.
Having a child that wakes constantly though meant I saw the result coming at 1am and pretty much done by 4am. Yes, I am blaming the baby on my peaking Political interests! By 7am when I dared to post on Facebook I was reeling and I have been through so many emotions since the final result was made official, which as you know for me was not the one I wanted, that it is hard to know where I finally settled. Shock, sadness, anger, fear, embarrassment and just a general feeling of uncertainty which I guess is the only one that can really play true right now. In the end the result, for good or bad, for right or wrong, has been made and as David Cameron said in his resignation speech ‘it must be respected’. But in truth it’s taken me until now to really be able to say those words and I believe I will continue to feel more proud of being part of the 63% Merton voters that chose ‘Remain’ than I will ever feel about being part of the 48% that may, in time, be proved wrong.
So instead of voicing my true opinions, I have moaned and groaned to my husband, had a little cry, worried about the future for myself and my family and friends (especially those living abroad or those that are from the EU living in the UK) and grieved for my loved ones who may never get to experience the great joy and love that I have thanks to the freedom of movement act and I have tried, for once, to concentrate on the here and now and just enjoy my beautiful children who, thankfully, get to have the best of both worlds – remain European through my Austrian husband whilst still being a proud Englander in a new, bolder Britain (she said hopefully!).
So, yes, the result has affected me but 3 paragraphs is enough on that and quite frankly after everything else that has happened since, 3 paragraphs is probably too much.
After the terrible shootings last November, I am so grateful that France survived the European Championships and never have I been so happy of a Brit win than the moment Andy Murray, so deservedly, lifted that second Wimbledon trophy. Despite the utter crapness of Portugal, possibly one of the worst teams in the whole competition, winning the Euros there was a feeling of unity, happiness, triumph and hope once more. An excitement that only sport can create and one that should never be belittled because whilst it is ‘just a game’ it brings people together and gives them something good to believe in. Something that has nothing to do with race or religion – whatever certain thugs would have us believe.
Little did I know that this was the calm before the storm and that soon after the bombs, shootings and military coups would follow.
And then, as we woke up to celebrate my husband’s 35th birthday, the most awful news of all: a mad man ploughing down 84 people as they enjoyed the Bastille Day celebrations in the beautiful city of Nice, somewhere I have visited many times. Another sickening reminder that life will never be the same again.
So, yes, I have been quiet recently because quite frankly trying to write blogs about my annoying children doesn’t seem quite right when all I want to do is hold them close to me and never let them go again. Moaning about how many times Little M woke me up last night pales into insignificance when the number 10 flashes before your eyes because that’s how many children lost their lives in Nice.
I have a computer full of unfinished stories. Silly stories, about how my children exhaust me, annoy me and sometimes down right disgust me but right now I am only grateful that they are still with me to do all those things. I moan and groan and write silly things at their expense but the truth is they inspire me every day. They are my whole world and I would be lost without them. My babies make me whole and without them I simply wouldn’t be me. I am a Mama and always will be and how you cope being a Mother without a child I just don’t know. How you cope being the Mother of a child that deliberately drives a lorry into innocent people with the intention of killing them I can not even begin to fathom.
Waking up to the horrendous news of the tragedy in Nice has made me ache. 84 dead – including 10 children. For what? For kicks? For thrills? To make some bold statement? It is just disgusting, insane behaviour of sick, vile, murderers hiding behind masks and labels and pretending they are doing this for some greater good. But the real culprits are too cowardly to do it themselves so they take easily manipulated individuals. They cast their spell, brainwash these people and they attack. Innocent people. Always innocent people. What had any of those normal, happy families ever done to deserve that?
The teacher on a trip with her pupils? Brodie, the 11 year old boy and his Dad Sean, from Texas traveling Europe on his Summer break? The 12 year old son of a Nice referee who’s twin sister still lies in a coma? The 4 year old and his Mum? Yannis, the 4 year old who loved the beach? Christophe Lion, who has to live with the fact he is the only one of a family of 7 to survive? The 27 year old man who pushed his 7 month pregnant wife out of the way?
What did any of them do????
I can not imagine the pain these families are going through. Selfishly I hope I never have to. But the truth is this isn’t some game or tv show. This isn’t 24 or Spooks or some big Hollywood movie, these are real people and this is real life. This is really happening and it is terrifying.
I want my children to experience the excitement and joy of travel that I did. I want them to be able to go out into the world and meet new people. To fall in love, embark on adventures and try everything they can. But I also want them to come safely home again and honestly, right now, I am scared to let them go. I wonder what my Mum would have said or done if the world was in this state the day I came home and said ‘I got the job. I am leaving on a cruise ship in 4 weeks’.
I was in Syria nearly every weekend for 7 months. I have docked in Nice and Istanbul. We walked past destroyed buildings on our way to Hard Rock Cafe in Lebanon, Beirut where the toilet door had a sign that said ‘No nuclear weapons’ and where McDonalds next door had armed guards. I never felt a flicker of fear the whole time I was there but the thought of sending my child out into this world alone now terrifies me.
And now, literally as I write this there is breaking news of shootings in Munich. Atleast 7 dead and more injured in some awful revenge scheme in retaliation to the ‘shit foreigners’ it is reported. It feels like a world war is beginning. I guess it did a long while ago. When our supposedly knowledgable leaders invited themselves into a war that should never have belonged to them.
But whatever label you want to put on it – terrorism, xenophobia, murder – unarmed, unknowing people are innocent people wherever they come from and suddenly it seems no-one and nowhere is safe anymore.
No, we can’t not go on holiday to Turkey or not take our kids to Disneyland Paris or not watch a match at Wembley because of these monsters. We can not live our lives in fear but we wouldn’t be human if it didn’t make us stop and question our plans and actions, atleast a little. Especially as a parent.
In time, life will go on as normal for us. After Nice and before these recent attacks we were allready back to posting about our happy days on Facebook, laughing at people chasing Pokemons down the street, looking forward to the Olympics gearing up in Rio. Already newspapers, with this hideous story of Nice and the military uprisings in Turkey that are threatening to destroy the tourist industry in what is actually a peaceful and beautiful part of the world and for the most part no where near where these issues are occurring, are being used for fish and chips and wrapping up valuables for people moving.
Once these madmen in Munich are caught or more likely killed most of us will move on from this ‘story’ too.
In time, we will just remember 14/7/16 as one of those awful moments in history like 9/11 and 7/7 and we will pause and have a minute or 2 of silence.
But for the families affected by all of these things life has been changed forever. In time, things may move on, may even get better but they will never be the same again. A part of them will be forever missing.
And our world has also changed forever. Terrorism is no longer just part of those tv shows I mentioned. It is a reality.
And because that could just as easily have been us celebrating in Nice or shopping and eating a McDonalds in Munich I for one am finding it harder and harder to just move on.
I will forgive, because we can not give into the hate they so badly crave. I will hope, because above all else this is something they can never take from us. But I will never forget and I will never let them win.
So please. Enjoy your Facebook statuses. Share in my moans and groans and sympathise with me when I tell you I am still not sleeping. Chase your Pokemons. Laugh at silly You Tube videos. Post crazy Snap Chat photos. Eat. Pray (if you want to). Love. Live your life to the fullest. But whatever you do never take anything for granted. Never forget. Never give up. And never blame the majority for the sickening actions of a minority. #EveryLifeMatters
Sweet Dreams –
Mama Atzi x
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“Terrorism must be outlawed by all civilized nations — not explained or rationalized, but fought and eradicated. Nothing can, nothing will justify the murder of innocent people and helpless children.”
ELIE WIESEL, Nobel Lecture, December 11, 1986
References:
Reported information and statistics www.theguardian.com
Current Munich news as reported live on Austrian tv channel ORF 1
