“Cheers!”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

I can’t believe it’s almost 2 weeks since my dry month ended and I never even posted about it!!

I think because in the end – just like many things (hmmmph Brexit) it was rather anti-climatic and didn’t actually give me what I was looking for. Or so I thought!

I certainly felt the benefits in certain physical ways. Coincidence or not there is no denying my nails are better and my back that used to constantly give me a pain in my spine has barely given me a twinge since I stopped drinking. The fact I have low vitamin D anyway and alcohol can inhibit this shows there is most definitely a link there. I will be watching this closely as I begin to indulge more in alcoholic beverages again.

However, I can not honestly say I feel any more energetic for drinking less and I am most certainly no more ready for action first thing in the mornings as before.

Where the positive improvement has laid though is in my mindset. I have realised throughout this period that actually what my Dad always says is true when it comes to a healthy lifestyle: everything in moderation and that the positivity I have been craving comes not from the giving up of something but more the mindset that it creates.

I am generally feeling more positive and as a result more content and happy but it’s not because of not drinking or doing more work outs; it is because I was motivated to make those changes in the first place and determined to stick to something and see it through – regardless of the outcome.

I was disappointed not to have rock hard abs or sudden unending energy by the end of the month but that outcome in itself has led to me discovering other things about myself – ie I really am never going to be a morning person and that perhaps my tummy muscles did not repair as they should have done after Little M was born and therefore I need to be more careful in how I work to improve them now.

As often is the case it has been a reminder that these things are as much about the journey as the destination. But I also learnt that this was not a single mission but one that I need to keep learning from.

And I think that’s why I haven’t gotten around to actually posting about the end of my #ExhaustedMamaMission because for me it hasn’t actually ended. I have learnt a great deal of things about myself, my attitude and my body during this past month and I plan to keep learning and hopefully improving myself and my life as a result.

When it came to the day I was able to drink again it was strange because I realised I didn’t actually really want a drink.

I had a gin and tonic (because that was the last drink I had before starting this) but the truth is I was lucky enough to be spending the evening having a (very) belated Christmas meal with my lovely colleagues in London and that’s actually all I needed.

It’s been both good and bad to realise my nightly wine drinking had simply become a habit of normalcy – the so called Mummy Wine Culture I didn’t even realise I was part of!

The horrific couple of hangovers I have had since drinking a bit again (and it’s only been a few drinks on weekend ladies nights aswell!) show my poor liver certainly needed the break.

From my side, I feel the occasional drink to relieve a bit of stress or just let yourself unwind a bit is not something to write home about but when it becomes a habit rather than something to actually enjoy then it is a worry. Maybe even a cry for help. Certainly a sign that something else in your life probably needs addressing.

I am going to continue to enjoy my double bubbles (that is my baths with Prosecco) but because I want to not just because and certainly not because I need to.

The best bit about starting to drink again was that it coincided with being in London and having the chance for a well overdue night out with one of my favourite people in this whole world. However, just as with the meal with my girls the night before I realised that it was not the Prosecco that make our time together!

Don’t get me wrong I loved our glass of fizz as we were getting ready but I enjoyed the feeling of being back in our cruise ship days and getting ready for a night onshore all the more!

We totally indulged that night but not in drinks (though drinks were had), in life! In doing what we love – being with our friends, eating great food, seeing a West End show and just talking!!

Life is all about moments. And that night we had some amazing moments! Having a nice drink to go with them was a lovely compliment to a magical evening – not something that was required to ensure we had a good time.

It’s about the quality not the quantity.

Having completed my #ExhaustedMamaMission and feeling that I really had achieved something – even if it wasn’t what I expected – I decided to re-read Marie Kondo’s ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying’. I loved this book the first time round and am still following it within my household but this time I loved it even more. I finished it in less than 2 short plane journeys and found myself crying because once again the points she makes in this book and the feeling I achieved in putting KonMari method into action is exactly how I was feeling after my mission. I had been looking for the positive in life and realised that I have it with me all along. I just have to have the right mindset.

Marie says “I can think of no greater happiness in life than to be surrounded by the things I love. How about you? All you need to do is to get rid of anything that doesn’t touch your heart like this. There is no simpler way to contentment. What else could this be called but the magic of tidying’?”

It is exactly this feeling that can be applied to anything in life – not just physical things in your home but anything that does not, as Marie Kondo says, “spark joy”.

By discarding the habitual drinking I can appreciate my double bubbles even more but more importantly I know, as I always have really, that it is the family get togethers, the ladies nights and the non-stop catch ups with my besties that are the things that really bring the happiness.

My plan now is to listen to all my instincts that have come out in my various New Years resolutions since starting this blog and try harder to follow the lessons I have learnt as a result of putting them into action.

Slow down….failing isn’t failure …..the lows are as important as the highs …..never stop learning…..acceptance is not giving up control …..face your fears….spark joy ….savour the moments ….. surround yourself with what you love …. you do you!

I know I will slip, just as I know there will be nights when I pour a glass of wine I probably do not need or want but that’s all part of the journey in the end anyway!

Thank you all for supporting me through this mini mission. Onwards and upwards as always I hope! 😘

Cheers!

Mama Atzi x

“Mirror Mirror”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

I don’t need to ask my mirror who is the fairest of them all because I already know it is most definitely NOT me! 

Laughter lines aside what I hate seeing the most when I look in the mirror these days (which in all honesty is not that often since a mirror cracking brings 7 years bad luck) is the weird sprouting grey hairs that seem to have accumulated in the oddest of places. I mean like really weird. It’s as if these silver spikes have deliberately protruded out of every flaw you already have a complex about just to laugh in your face. The bald patches, weird horn like tufts of hair and new tiny sprouts that for some reason occur during pregnancy and then just NEVER LEAVE (despite my floors being covered in enough lost hair to make a carpet) are suddenly adorned by greyness. I mean, honestly, how can parts of your head be bald AND grey at the same time. That’s just not fair! 

It’s had me crying, “I’m sooooo old”! at my reflection, which in turn prompted LJ to cry so hard he almost hyperventilated because he equates being old with death and thought that meant I was going to drop down dead at any moment. And quite frankly by this point I wasn’t sure I could confidently persuade him otherwise. Silver was supposedly THE hair colour of the year in 2019 but you know what? I call BS coz I don’t see anything fashionable or sexy about this fifty shades of grey and my son definitely wasn’t buying it either! 

I suddenly felt like I was headed on the downhill part of my “journey of life” and it all occurred on my last birthday. 

It felt like turning 38 had triggered an old age bomb within me. I could hear and feel it ticking away inside – causing me to age (badly I might add) with every tock! 

35 was always my “scary age” for some reason, and I guess I should have felt grateful for those 3 extra “good years”, because seriously the day, in fact the minute, I turned 38 it all really did start to go down hill! 

My muscles became more weary, the bags under my eyes appeared darker, the lines on my face even deeper, the grey hairs harder to hide and just everything in general suddenly seemed to take far more effort than it did mere hours earlier! My bones physically hurt and just getting out of the bed in the morning felt like waking up from a major operation. And I wasn’t exactly the most spritely thing of a morning as it was!

It felt like I had hit midlife crisis mode. And I suppose if that means I have 38 years left it’s not really that bad – hopefully that gives me time to see my boys get married and meet my grandchildren (even if I can’t lift them!) – but somehow this new found exhaustion really got me feeling rather depressed. 

By Christmas 2019 I was pretty much on the verge of burn-out. And granted I got myself involved in organising a Christmas event that took up way more time and caused way more stress than it needed to but we pulled that off and usually all that stress and excitement, as hard as it is at the time, is what I thrive off and would have been enough to send me through to the New Year on a high – especially knowing that it had helped raise a huge amount of money for charity – but it didn’t. It was completely anti-climatic and almost took the joy out of Christmas for me because I was, as I said, genuinely on the verge of burn-out and 100% owning my Exhausted Mama status. 

That is when I realised that this year’s new year resolution had to be about looking after myself more and getting back the happy. 

Sometimes I think we Mamas spend so much time trying to make sure everyone around us has what they need and want and that they are happy and healthy; that we totally and utterly neglect ourselves in the process. 

The problem is that when we are not happy or healthy ourselves how does that help anyone? 

I really started to feel like I’d lost myself somewhere along the way. It took me back to my “Remember Me” post but this time it was worse because I felt like I was also losing the Mama part of me. I was no longer seeing the lines on my face as memories of the fun and laughter I had shared with my boys but simply imprints of stress and worry and I felt like I was failing everyone. Including myself. 

Yet I still wasn’t helping myself either. I had got into this weird self-destructive, angry place. I felt like I had the opportunity to do something special here. To expand my business and create something that would be beneficial both for me personally but also ultimately for my family and yet, whilst it seemed to be right there for the taking, something was still holding me back. My fear of failure and the reality of the risks involved – financially and emotionally, my husband, my children, my lack of self-esteem….something. And that made me angry and grumpy and frustrated. My fuse was at times so short that I was picking arguments with my husband more than ever but still finding myself unable to really tell him what I was feeling and why I was so pissed off all the time. 

And I was binging more Netflix than ever in a desperate bid to switch my brain off but ending up simply losing more sleep as a result! 

I realised that I had hit a kind of wall. No matter which angle I came at it from, how high I jumped, how much rope I tried to throw, I was not getting over that wall. 

So I did what the ‘wine mummy culture’ would expect of me – I poured myself a glass of wine and tried to ignore the wall and concentrate on the needs of my kids and husband instead. 

But then I got thinking about how every time I am overworked or overstressed or feeling a little bit too homesick my answer was indeed to pour a glass of wine and take a bath in order to just get on with it again the next day. 

According to an article in The Washington Post* online studies show that women, especially those in their 30’s and 40’s, are drinking more than ever. And I can full on believe it. 

The occasional after-work glass of wine was turning into a regular thing and the de-stressing bubble bath with “extra bubbles” to unwind were becoming far more common too. 

Back to my Netflix obsession and it was clear every other 30 something woman was doing that same thing – making it justified. 

But slowly the ‘acceptable’ time to pour that first glass was getting earlier and earlier (it’s 6pm somewhere right?!) and it was fast becoming a habit and, what’s worse, one that seemed normal because that’s what all the stressed out, over worked, exhausted Mamas were doing. 

Enter New Year Resolution season and it seemed the perfect time to curb the drinking and, in the process, put the focus on myself to find the happy. For once in my life I wanted to be positive and look ahead by making simple changes to help get what I wanted and hopefully keep the stress away in the first place, rather than going through the motions and relying on finding ways (like wine and baths) to relieve the stress. 

Enter Dry January and the #ExhaustedMamaMission. You can follow my exploits here: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=3659816844058701&id=1167362226637521

Now I don’t pretend to know much about this supposed ‘Sober Curious’ movement.  For me it was pure coincidence that, just as I decide to “go sober” for a while, this has apparently become a “thing”. But having done a bit of research in writing this blog post (I know, professional right?!) it seems I am not the only one intrigued in seeing if life with a bit less alcohol can indeed be better! I can assure you that I have no interest in doing this to be cool or follow the crowd – apparently the “millennial generation has embraced sober curious culture and has actually made sobriety more culturally acceptable”** whatever that means! 

I just want to take responsibility for my own happiness for a change and stop relying on others (or a glass of wine and a bath tub) to make me feel good. I want to get a bit fitter and a bit healthier and since exercise is linked to the release of endorphins (the “feel good” chemicals) hopefully happier and more positive too. 

So for once in my life, instead of continuing to half-heartedly try climbing that wall so I could put on this false bravado that of course I am ambitious, of course I can make it over the other side. I decided that maybe this time I would instead look at the bigger picture and accept that perhaps it is simply not my time to get over that wall just yet. That perhaps, right now, it was enough to know that there is, potentially, something special waiting for me on the other side (and my gut instincts tell me there is) and when I am really ready for it, instead of having to fight my way over I will have the knowledge and the expertise in place to simply knock through that wall and walk with confidence and conviction through it. (Well, I sound convincing anyway don’t I?)

I said in my “About Time” post that accepting what you can not control is truly a liberating feeling. There are so many quotes out there about not worrying about the things you can not control and instead focusing on the things you can. It is a hard thing to stop yourself worrying though and in all honesty something like that is quite often an innate part of your personality so you are never going to truly be able to ‘switch off’ the natural born worrier in you but I have really learnt that it is not so much the worrying but the accepting of those things that is the key to being calmer and therefore happier. 

Accepting my Grandad had died was and still is the hardest part of that grief journey and there’s some days still now, almost 3 years later, that I revert back to that feeling and am not able to accept he has gone. That any of my Grandparents have gone. That first true bout of grief has changed me forever. 

You all know too how hard I fought not to give up hope that my babies would sleep but it was only when I truly accepted that this was something I couldn’t control and they were simply not good sleepers (and I don’t care about any Ferber or Gina Ford fans who disagree – you do you) that I personally, FINALLY, felt some peace about this rather horrendous part of our parental journey. 

And that is the key here too. I needed to accept that some things right now were not going to change (ie my dreams of my own dance studios) but that other things could and should (ie me being happier with my current situation and enjoying and building on what I have now) and that by doing that those dreams would not be lost but simply postponed. 

So here we are. 

25 days sober (that sounds weird) and feeling somewhat “different” though my ‘sober curiosity’ has not been peaked enough to fully join the movement. The work outs have not been quite as daily as I had hoped having now settled back into the reality of school, Kiga and work but I am definitely on it more than I was and am finding out new things about my body, including the fact that I think regaining my pre-baby belly is going to be much more complicated than I first thought (more to follow on that in a future post!) 

I do feel more positive though and I am definitely being more pro-active. I think that’s more to my new mindset than the actual sober part to be honest. I have always been a pretty determined person and when I want something and put my mind to it I usually do get it or atleast work very hard to do my best. I still procrastinate too much – small steps and all that – but it is getting better and I am no longer simply getting through the day until I can chill with a glass of wine. 

The worst thing about this dry January is the boredom I have felt. Which just sounds terrible. Maybe it’s again coincidental that it’s happening whilst term is quite sorted and things are running fairly smoothly. I am on top of upcoming trips that have been planned and in between stuff at the moment, which means I don’t have any major projects in the works. Plus things were so crazy busy before Christmas that anything after that was going to seem slow. But it really feels like some evenings I am wondering what to do with myself because I can’t have a drink to while away the time before bed! Slippery slope….

So that needs working on for sure because I do not want to go back to having a drink because it’s something to do. I haven’t wanted it or needed it this last month and as easy as it is to slip back into old habits I am determined not to. Don’t get me wrong I am looking forward to having a nice drink again (because I genuinely love the taste of wine – if someone could just make a decent non-alcoholic version all would be simple!) and especially in a sociable setting – to quote Joey “if a blind man gets back his sight does he walk around {with his arms outstretched}” – but it should also be something that is enjoyed rather than a ‘just because’ and it most definitely should not be to make my life feel better than it is. 

I have also realised that my vitamin d deficiency may actually be related to my alcohol consumption. Another quite scary thought really.  But in the last week or so my nails have really grown and become stronger – something I have not had since pregnancy (and I am definitely not with child!) and the pain I used to feel almost constantly at the bottom of my spine has also had some relief. Of course I am also feeling a bit less anxious and stressed at the moment and working out more, especially on my core, so it may all be linked to that (or it may not!) It will be interesting to see after this period what happens. 

One thing I have not gained though is a ‘the sun is up so I must be up’ personality and honestly I don’t think my energy levels have improved in any particular positive way so I guess I have some more accepting to do (ie that my body is simply now that of an older person who is also a working Mother) and learn to get on with it. 

No matter what happens though I am determined to continue with a more positive outlook on everything and knowing that sometimes I will slip and some days will have a more negative vibe than others but if I try my best to hold onto the things that ‘spark joy’ and let go of the things that don’t – and especially those that I can not control anyway – I will realise that failing is not the same as failure and that however “old” I might be feeling it is actually a privilege that not everyone gets to experience. So, onwards and upwards my fellow exhausted Mamas and Papas. We got this!

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x 

*by Caitlin Gibson, July 7th 2019

https://www.google.at/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/mothers-are-drinking-more-than-ever-but-the-sober-curious-movement-challenges-wine-mom-culture/2019/07/05/93351576-9cec-11e9-b27f-ed2942f73d70_story.html%3foutputType=amp

**From an article for Very Well Mind by Sarah Sheppard, updated November 27th 2019

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-sober-curious-4774971

 ^A term coined by tidying expert Marie Kondo and the KonMari Method (TM)

“The Nightmare Before Christmas”

Mama Atzi / / 2 Comments

What a year. So I know I have been pretty useless this last year in the blogging sense. It has not been my intention to be so. Quite the opposite. I have simply been living the life as described by the title of my blog and ultimately been too exhausted to actually put anything vaguely coherent together worthy of posting.

2017 has been the toughest year of my life. With so many ups and downs and seriously low lows. Full of loss and sadness, toddler tantrums, new schools, new jobs and too many small but ultimately time consuming or energy zapping issues to contend with.

Since last writing properly I have a 2 year old totally gorgeous but painfully exhausting trouble maker and a school kid who lost his first tooth this month! Time has seemingly flown by whilst I have been struggling, in all honesty, to keep it together and cope with my boys who are now so big I can barely tell who’s clothes belongs to who anymore. (Embarrassing Mama moment: Picking up LJ from school only to realise he was wearing an age 2-3 year olds top. Think Ross putting on that Frankie Says Relax t-shirt in Friends!)

Little M found it tough adjusting to Kiga without his big brother whilst LJ – the one we were worried about – has taken school all in his stride really. Overcoming many obstacles and really doing us proud – even if he does hate and constantly moan about his homework because it’s “soooo boring”!!

Little M has however also come on leaps and bounds this year. Security issues aside he’s really trying to talk, he’s so independent in so many ways and man does he idolise his big brother. LJ now has to really watch what he does and says, especially considering the following came out of his mouth the other day: “What the f@£k!” Then catching my look: “Mama, do we say ‘what the f@£k?” No son, no we do not!! Especially not in front of your very susceptible 2 year old brother who already says Kaka for Car (the German word for Poo!) which seems to have caught on with some of the younger children at Kindergarten!!

Though not always easy there has been job success this year with both myself and Ste and I have been especially excited and overwhelmed by the amazing response to my dance classes here. In a year that has been mostly black I have been able to get some of my dance sparkle back thanks to some extremely wonderful and supportive people – Joanna, Begum and Ozlem you have literally kept me sane and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

As I sit here waiting for my boys and their Oma, Opa and Uroma to arrive in anticipation of ChristKind, I am reminded of the only thing that is important in this world: Love, family and friendship.

Through Brexit, Donald Trump. some too close to home terror attacks and saying goodbye to 2 of the most wonderful Grandfathers to ever have graced this Earth as well as Allan and Peter, two major figures in a child- and adolescent-hood full of incredible memories, I really can only look at my two beautiful boys and feel thankful.

I learnt for the first time what true grief feels like and how helpless you are to it. Too many friends have lost people they held dear this year and I am not too naive to admit that this year was only the beginning for us too. For the first time I really understand the importance of living in the moment.

It’s not always easy of course – the fights are now quite epic as one boy inevitably always wants what the other wants, somedays I feel like nothing but a taxi driver as I face the logistics that come with new schools and jobs and my fingers have become ever more attached to my iPhone as I juggle 2 dance schools and a “normal” job as well as trying to make sure we have food in the fridge and atleast a semi-clean apartment! Some days I wonder how we survived without smartphones and Google drive and how I ever managed to maintain any kind of contact with my family before Whats App was created. I thank all at Amazon – the true Santas of this crazy modern world – without whom few of my family members would have had presents this Christmas, let alone my kids!

So yes, living every day like it’s your last is not always possible – especially when some days it takes every ounce of strength just to get out of bed in the morning – but it is my aim to appreciate what I have more. Last year’s resolution was to slow down and take the time to enjoy each moment more. We really managed that to an extent so this year simply needs to be a continuation of that.

I am working to give my family, and me, a better life but some days it feels like all I ever do is work and although I enjoy a lot of it, there are days where I begrudge my children interrupting me and that’s not what I want to feel. If I can’t take some time out to just enjoy my kids while they are still kids then really what’s the point of it all anyway?

Finding a balance between the work you need to do, the work you like to do and still spending quality time with the people you love is hard but it shouldn’t be impossible.

As always Christmas is a wonderful reminder of what is important and as we come to the end of a year where we have said too many goodbyes it really is time to make more of an effort to spend time with the people I love and holding my kids a little more now – while I have the chance – because at the end of it all it won’t be my phone I will want to hold in my arms.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“The Silence”

Mama Atzi / / 1 Comment

So firstly apologies for my radio silence over the last months. It has been way longer than I intended.

I have tried to write many blogs since I last posted but the quiet was too much for me at a time when the loss of my Grandad was still very raw and I found myself only able to think of him. I wrote about the 5 stages of grief in my “Sleepless in Schwechat” post but this was the first time I truly felt it for real. And it sucks! I still haven’t really accepted my Grandad has gone. He still pops into my mind constantly. Memories and thoughts that are ignited by the slightest of things – posters for the cuddly vegetables he saved tokens to get us, photos on my walls, crosswords, fisherman as we walk past the river, offers for drinks in the supermarkets, cherry tomatoes and carrots growing in our allotment and a million other seemingly inconsequential things that just remind me of him at unexpected moments.

During the first month after Grandad died Little M was going through a phase of needing me to lie near the cot as he went off to sleep. Lying there in the dark I found the silence deafening and, just as it had been when I tried to write, I found myself just crying into the quiet. I realised I needed to give myself a distraction and since I was not at all happy with my lack of exercise I created the Cotside Challenge Workout!! No app or membership required. Simply lie down on the floor, while your clingy child attempts to go to sleep and let you have some peace for once, and do some Pilates based exercises! 

I was able to work my tummy, my pelvis, my back, arms, legs and thighs. Do some quiet stretches and suddenly I wasn’t only thinking about sad things anymore. I wasn’t getting annoyed with my toddler for not sleeping and the time went so much quicker. I can’t say I saw many physical benefits as a result of my new work out plan – no 6 pack or particularly toned thighs – but it did help while away those quiet moments that were slowly eating me alive.

My toddler was happy because I was quietly breathing next to him and I was happy because my mind was elsewhere and for the first time in forever I didn’t even resent my child for making me lie with him!!

After this I realised I needed to find similar distractions during the day so I must admit that I did throw myself into some new ventures – possibly a few too many now the dust has settled a bit but I also needed a push. Even though it meant I continued to neglect my dear blog.

Not long after this Little M decided he was ok to go off to sleep on his own – score! So my Cotside Challenge dwindled away…for a while anyway! (Don’t worry I still don’t have a good sleeper!!)

So much has happened in the last few months. So much I would have liked to share with you all but couldn’t.

I will always have my moments, a part of me has been changed forever now, but the quiet is easier to deal with and instead of being sad I need to be grateful for the life I have – in part because of my Grandad – and instead of being scared of the feeling that hits me in the silence, embrace it and know it just means that Grandad is still here with me.

So yes lots has happened in the last few months but I’ll save that for the next post…

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“28 Days”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

February might only have 28 days in it but I can honestly say that February 2017 has been the longest (and one of the most painful) of my life.

It actually started out quite full of hope. A positive job interview, Little M seemingly excited about starting Kindergarten and this Exhausted Mama believing that she might get to have a little bit of a recoup before being thrown into the world of work! Sadly it was not meant to be.

When it comes to childcare and children’s classes I have always been a ‘rip the band aid’ kind of person. I don’t believe it helps the child (or parent) to prolong the agony and after countless situations as a dance teacher where I have watched and seen firsthand as parents coddle and pander to their child instead of letting them take it in their own stride and just get on with it, ultimately making it much harder for the child to settle and enjoy themselves, I feel my ‘professional’ opinion atleast is justified.

If they’re not ready they’re not ready but if they are you have to let them go.

With that in mind I have always respected and trusted that other professionals (i.e childcare providers) know what they’re doing. So with LJ, when we were told the Kindergarten settling in period in London would be around 3 days I was skeptical but stayed positive and decided to go with it.

And it worked. Sure there were tears when I left for a while, but a few minutes outside the door proved it was (mostly) for show and all in all the transition was smooth and calm.

So when it came to starting our way more independent, second child, I just did not envision that it would go so badly!!! Or take so long!

As a Mama and a teacher I know that not every child is the same. They develop at different rates; talk, walk, skip and plie in their own time at their own speed. I know you have to choose your teaching style to suit the child’s personality. I know some children take longer to settle than others.

While I believe in ‘ripping the band aid’ I do also know that some children will find that harder than others. That there is always an exception to the rule. I just never thought my child would be that exception.

I’m forever telling people not to stress over their sleep deprivation (even though that’s all I ever do!), reminding them that “some babies just don’t sleep”. I wasn’t surprised that my second baby was also a non-sleeper but I didn’t expect him to be one of “those babies that just don’t settle” as well. Of course I hadn’t had such a Mama’s boy before either!

3 weeks later and I was still only able to leave for 30 mins – an hour if I was lucky. 3 weeks of downing McDonalds coffees (all I had time for). 3 weeks of sad little points at the door to the exit or LJ’s grouproom. 3 weeks of not understanding why I was sitting there but not really playing with him. 3 weeks of stress, tears, tantrums, clinging and worry. 3 weeks of heartbreak.

We had the feeling that Little M would probably settle better if he could join the older group where his big brother was but as Principal of a dance school, where you are constantly second guessed by parents (if you give them the chance) who supposedly know better than you and your 20 years worth of training and experience, I didn’t want to be “that” parent.

I was grateful when after a meeting the Kindergarten team, of their own accord, came to the same conclusion as us (see, Mummies and Daddies we do know what we’re doing, will always listen and appreciate your parental instincts and opinions but ultimately will make the right decision without you so please don’t push! Ok, sometimes you need to, your baby comes first, but just be nice about it!)

And hey presto, 3 days later he was already more settled than he had after 3 weeks in the baby group (so maybe us parents do know something too)! By day 5 there were no tears and I was able to leave him for most of the morning. Day 6 and he’s staying there for lunch – which since I don’t have a regular job here yet is all I was asking for anyway!!

So my faith in the ‘ripping the band aid’ philosophy does work – under the right circumstances or Kindergarten group anyway!

Finally, there was a light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Sadly though another light was starting to fade and on February 26th my world got a little dimmer when I received the worst FaceTime call of my life so far.

I knew as soon as the words ‘Mum and Dad Would Like to FaceTime’ flashed up on my screen at 10.30pm what was about to happen and with a deep breath I clicked ‘Accept’, a complete juxtaposition of what I was feeling, and prepared to hear the words that I had been preparing myself to hear for the last 2 weeks. I ripped that stupid bandaid and listened quietly as my Mum very calmly told me my darling Grandad was gone forever.

You may remember from my “Somewhere Slow” post that I wasn’t sure if I would get to see him again. I am grateful to be able to say that I did manage to fly over at the beginning of February and even more grateful that I was able to get that last goodbye kiss. I can’t honestly say it’s given me any more comfort but in time I hope it will.

Right now I still keep going over everything I should have said or could have done differently. Like one extra hug or trying to fit in one more visit before I flew home. If I’d said my usual ‘see you soon’ would he still be with us? But in the end none of it makes a difference and the only thing that is important is that Grandad is at peace.

I had the most amazing, special Grandad in my life for nearly 36 years. He got to know both my boys and LJ got to know him. Little M will have our photos, memories and stories.

So yes it’s been a very long, very tough month. There’s been a lot of tears and a lot of tantrums – and not all from the baby.

But the kindergarten team have been patient and kind and I’m confident Little M will soon be running into Kiga without a backward glance.

The NHS staff at the Norfolk and Norwich were phenomenal with my Grandad and their efforts and professionalism allowed him to fall asleep peacefully and with dignity. The way he deserved.

Right now I don’t know how to accept a reality where my Grandad no longer exists. Every time I think about it I get punched. The time between hits slowly increases but for the rest of my life they’ll be there.

At the end of the day, whether you rip the band aid or slowly peel it away the pain is still there. You don’t get over it any quicker, it just affects you differently.

Sometimes you just have to let the professionals choose the best course of action and pray that they are right.

So, sleep tight Grandad. It’ll be hard without you but you taught us well and we’ll carry you and your lessons in our hearts forever:

“I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living my Grandad you’ll be”*

Love always – your Katy xxx

To my lovely readers;

Sweet Dreams,

Mama Atzi x

*Words taken and adapted from the Robert Munsch book ‘Love you forever’ www.robertmunsch.com