“Mirror Mirror”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

I don’t need to ask my mirror who is the fairest of them all because I already know it is most definitely NOT me! 

Laughter lines aside what I hate seeing the most when I look in the mirror these days (which in all honesty is not that often since a mirror cracking brings 7 years bad luck) is the weird sprouting grey hairs that seem to have accumulated in the oddest of places. I mean like really weird. It’s as if these silver spikes have deliberately protruded out of every flaw you already have a complex about just to laugh in your face. The bald patches, weird horn like tufts of hair and new tiny sprouts that for some reason occur during pregnancy and then just NEVER LEAVE (despite my floors being covered in enough lost hair to make a carpet) are suddenly adorned by greyness. I mean, honestly, how can parts of your head be bald AND grey at the same time. That’s just not fair! 

It’s had me crying, “I’m sooooo old”! at my reflection, which in turn prompted LJ to cry so hard he almost hyperventilated because he equates being old with death and thought that meant I was going to drop down dead at any moment. And quite frankly by this point I wasn’t sure I could confidently persuade him otherwise. Silver was supposedly THE hair colour of the year in 2019 but you know what? I call BS coz I don’t see anything fashionable or sexy about this fifty shades of grey and my son definitely wasn’t buying it either! 

I suddenly felt like I was headed on the downhill part of my “journey of life” and it all occurred on my last birthday. 

It felt like turning 38 had triggered an old age bomb within me. I could hear and feel it ticking away inside – causing me to age (badly I might add) with every tock! 

35 was always my “scary age” for some reason, and I guess I should have felt grateful for those 3 extra “good years”, because seriously the day, in fact the minute, I turned 38 it all really did start to go down hill! 

My muscles became more weary, the bags under my eyes appeared darker, the lines on my face even deeper, the grey hairs harder to hide and just everything in general suddenly seemed to take far more effort than it did mere hours earlier! My bones physically hurt and just getting out of the bed in the morning felt like waking up from a major operation. And I wasn’t exactly the most spritely thing of a morning as it was!

It felt like I had hit midlife crisis mode. And I suppose if that means I have 38 years left it’s not really that bad – hopefully that gives me time to see my boys get married and meet my grandchildren (even if I can’t lift them!) – but somehow this new found exhaustion really got me feeling rather depressed. 

By Christmas 2019 I was pretty much on the verge of burn-out. And granted I got myself involved in organising a Christmas event that took up way more time and caused way more stress than it needed to but we pulled that off and usually all that stress and excitement, as hard as it is at the time, is what I thrive off and would have been enough to send me through to the New Year on a high – especially knowing that it had helped raise a huge amount of money for charity – but it didn’t. It was completely anti-climatic and almost took the joy out of Christmas for me because I was, as I said, genuinely on the verge of burn-out and 100% owning my Exhausted Mama status. 

That is when I realised that this year’s new year resolution had to be about looking after myself more and getting back the happy. 

Sometimes I think we Mamas spend so much time trying to make sure everyone around us has what they need and want and that they are happy and healthy; that we totally and utterly neglect ourselves in the process. 

The problem is that when we are not happy or healthy ourselves how does that help anyone? 

I really started to feel like I’d lost myself somewhere along the way. It took me back to my “Remember Me” post but this time it was worse because I felt like I was also losing the Mama part of me. I was no longer seeing the lines on my face as memories of the fun and laughter I had shared with my boys but simply imprints of stress and worry and I felt like I was failing everyone. Including myself. 

Yet I still wasn’t helping myself either. I had got into this weird self-destructive, angry place. I felt like I had the opportunity to do something special here. To expand my business and create something that would be beneficial both for me personally but also ultimately for my family and yet, whilst it seemed to be right there for the taking, something was still holding me back. My fear of failure and the reality of the risks involved – financially and emotionally, my husband, my children, my lack of self-esteem….something. And that made me angry and grumpy and frustrated. My fuse was at times so short that I was picking arguments with my husband more than ever but still finding myself unable to really tell him what I was feeling and why I was so pissed off all the time. 

And I was binging more Netflix than ever in a desperate bid to switch my brain off but ending up simply losing more sleep as a result! 

I realised that I had hit a kind of wall. No matter which angle I came at it from, how high I jumped, how much rope I tried to throw, I was not getting over that wall. 

So I did what the ‘wine mummy culture’ would expect of me – I poured myself a glass of wine and tried to ignore the wall and concentrate on the needs of my kids and husband instead. 

But then I got thinking about how every time I am overworked or overstressed or feeling a little bit too homesick my answer was indeed to pour a glass of wine and take a bath in order to just get on with it again the next day. 

According to an article in The Washington Post* online studies show that women, especially those in their 30’s and 40’s, are drinking more than ever. And I can full on believe it. 

The occasional after-work glass of wine was turning into a regular thing and the de-stressing bubble bath with “extra bubbles” to unwind were becoming far more common too. 

Back to my Netflix obsession and it was clear every other 30 something woman was doing that same thing – making it justified. 

But slowly the ‘acceptable’ time to pour that first glass was getting earlier and earlier (it’s 6pm somewhere right?!) and it was fast becoming a habit and, what’s worse, one that seemed normal because that’s what all the stressed out, over worked, exhausted Mamas were doing. 

Enter New Year Resolution season and it seemed the perfect time to curb the drinking and, in the process, put the focus on myself to find the happy. For once in my life I wanted to be positive and look ahead by making simple changes to help get what I wanted and hopefully keep the stress away in the first place, rather than going through the motions and relying on finding ways (like wine and baths) to relieve the stress. 

Enter Dry January and the #ExhaustedMamaMission. You can follow my exploits here: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=3659816844058701&id=1167362226637521

Now I don’t pretend to know much about this supposed ‘Sober Curious’ movement.  For me it was pure coincidence that, just as I decide to “go sober” for a while, this has apparently become a “thing”. But having done a bit of research in writing this blog post (I know, professional right?!) it seems I am not the only one intrigued in seeing if life with a bit less alcohol can indeed be better! I can assure you that I have no interest in doing this to be cool or follow the crowd – apparently the “millennial generation has embraced sober curious culture and has actually made sobriety more culturally acceptable”** whatever that means! 

I just want to take responsibility for my own happiness for a change and stop relying on others (or a glass of wine and a bath tub) to make me feel good. I want to get a bit fitter and a bit healthier and since exercise is linked to the release of endorphins (the “feel good” chemicals) hopefully happier and more positive too. 

So for once in my life, instead of continuing to half-heartedly try climbing that wall so I could put on this false bravado that of course I am ambitious, of course I can make it over the other side. I decided that maybe this time I would instead look at the bigger picture and accept that perhaps it is simply not my time to get over that wall just yet. That perhaps, right now, it was enough to know that there is, potentially, something special waiting for me on the other side (and my gut instincts tell me there is) and when I am really ready for it, instead of having to fight my way over I will have the knowledge and the expertise in place to simply knock through that wall and walk with confidence and conviction through it. (Well, I sound convincing anyway don’t I?)

I said in my “About Time” post that accepting what you can not control is truly a liberating feeling. There are so many quotes out there about not worrying about the things you can not control and instead focusing on the things you can. It is a hard thing to stop yourself worrying though and in all honesty something like that is quite often an innate part of your personality so you are never going to truly be able to ‘switch off’ the natural born worrier in you but I have really learnt that it is not so much the worrying but the accepting of those things that is the key to being calmer and therefore happier. 

Accepting my Grandad had died was and still is the hardest part of that grief journey and there’s some days still now, almost 3 years later, that I revert back to that feeling and am not able to accept he has gone. That any of my Grandparents have gone. That first true bout of grief has changed me forever. 

You all know too how hard I fought not to give up hope that my babies would sleep but it was only when I truly accepted that this was something I couldn’t control and they were simply not good sleepers (and I don’t care about any Ferber or Gina Ford fans who disagree – you do you) that I personally, FINALLY, felt some peace about this rather horrendous part of our parental journey. 

And that is the key here too. I needed to accept that some things right now were not going to change (ie my dreams of my own dance studios) but that other things could and should (ie me being happier with my current situation and enjoying and building on what I have now) and that by doing that those dreams would not be lost but simply postponed. 

So here we are. 

25 days sober (that sounds weird) and feeling somewhat “different” though my ‘sober curiosity’ has not been peaked enough to fully join the movement. The work outs have not been quite as daily as I had hoped having now settled back into the reality of school, Kiga and work but I am definitely on it more than I was and am finding out new things about my body, including the fact that I think regaining my pre-baby belly is going to be much more complicated than I first thought (more to follow on that in a future post!) 

I do feel more positive though and I am definitely being more pro-active. I think that’s more to my new mindset than the actual sober part to be honest. I have always been a pretty determined person and when I want something and put my mind to it I usually do get it or atleast work very hard to do my best. I still procrastinate too much – small steps and all that – but it is getting better and I am no longer simply getting through the day until I can chill with a glass of wine. 

The worst thing about this dry January is the boredom I have felt. Which just sounds terrible. Maybe it’s again coincidental that it’s happening whilst term is quite sorted and things are running fairly smoothly. I am on top of upcoming trips that have been planned and in between stuff at the moment, which means I don’t have any major projects in the works. Plus things were so crazy busy before Christmas that anything after that was going to seem slow. But it really feels like some evenings I am wondering what to do with myself because I can’t have a drink to while away the time before bed! Slippery slope….

So that needs working on for sure because I do not want to go back to having a drink because it’s something to do. I haven’t wanted it or needed it this last month and as easy as it is to slip back into old habits I am determined not to. Don’t get me wrong I am looking forward to having a nice drink again (because I genuinely love the taste of wine – if someone could just make a decent non-alcoholic version all would be simple!) and especially in a sociable setting – to quote Joey “if a blind man gets back his sight does he walk around {with his arms outstretched}” – but it should also be something that is enjoyed rather than a ‘just because’ and it most definitely should not be to make my life feel better than it is. 

I have also realised that my vitamin d deficiency may actually be related to my alcohol consumption. Another quite scary thought really.  But in the last week or so my nails have really grown and become stronger – something I have not had since pregnancy (and I am definitely not with child!) and the pain I used to feel almost constantly at the bottom of my spine has also had some relief. Of course I am also feeling a bit less anxious and stressed at the moment and working out more, especially on my core, so it may all be linked to that (or it may not!) It will be interesting to see after this period what happens. 

One thing I have not gained though is a ‘the sun is up so I must be up’ personality and honestly I don’t think my energy levels have improved in any particular positive way so I guess I have some more accepting to do (ie that my body is simply now that of an older person who is also a working Mother) and learn to get on with it. 

No matter what happens though I am determined to continue with a more positive outlook on everything and knowing that sometimes I will slip and some days will have a more negative vibe than others but if I try my best to hold onto the things that ‘spark joy’ and let go of the things that don’t – and especially those that I can not control anyway – I will realise that failing is not the same as failure and that however “old” I might be feeling it is actually a privilege that not everyone gets to experience. So, onwards and upwards my fellow exhausted Mamas and Papas. We got this!

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x 

*by Caitlin Gibson, July 7th 2019

https://www.google.at/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/mothers-are-drinking-more-than-ever-but-the-sober-curious-movement-challenges-wine-mom-culture/2019/07/05/93351576-9cec-11e9-b27f-ed2942f73d70_story.html%3foutputType=amp

**From an article for Very Well Mind by Sarah Sheppard, updated November 27th 2019

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-sober-curious-4774971

 ^A term coined by tidying expert Marie Kondo and the KonMari Method (TM)

“Rollercoaster”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

 

Once again it has been a while. I know by now there is probably no point apologising but I’m British – it’s what we do – so sorry (again) for my tardiness/laziness/forgetfulness!

Despite my ravings of Marie Kondo and Sarah Knight it seems I have not fully “got my s@&t together” in order to focus on the things that ‘spark joy’ (e.g writing to you lovely people and in particular my 4 faithful subscribers! ;0)

I have actually written something since last posting but as is with life in general, things got in the way, and well Winter turned to Spring and suddenly we are in the middle of the Summer holidays (and actually since then we have fought our way through Autumn and back to Winter! 🙈 ) and I still haven’t actually got around to finishing it. Story of a Mother’s life hey?! Cold coffee anyone….?

So this post was going to be something of a mid-year diary excerpt – catching you up on all (or atleast most) of what has been going on in the world of this exhausted Mama – but now it’s kind of half a catch up and a bit extra lumped on the end to get you up to date!! 

As Ronan Keating once crooned, “Life is a rollercoaster, just got to ride it” and when it comes to my kids (all kids…?!) that is definitely true so hold on tight……

–

I think one of the most talked about (aka moaned) “periods” of parenthood is the lack of sleep. People seem to think once they have conquered the holy grail of sleeping through the night that somehow everything else will be like rainbows and unicorns. Well, I’m here to tell you that that theory is a bit like believing having a baby will be the key to improving a failing marriage. 

Adding a baby into the already crumbling mix will of course add a whole lot more love and a common cause but it’s also adding a whole load more of stress and pressure and LACK OF SLEEP which is the quickest way to piss off even the most stable couples. 

Basically no matter what you conquer there is always something waiting in the wings to test you and nowhere is this truer than with children….

So, I think we are sleeping but …..

Little M has been decidedly better with sleeping. The stopping of Kiga naps and longer days have him snoring soundly fairly quickly (lucky Papa who always seems to be the chosen parent on sleep duty!)** To be honest though, despite looking forward to this moment for so long, I was too exhausted to even offer a high 5 and barely noticed it happen because, as is life, there is always a new challenge just waiting to take it’s place……

**Since writing this has drastically changed – Mama is now the “chosen one” and although he is still sleeping mostly through the night he is a nightmare going to bed! We lie there awake over an hour sometimes, we require 2 stories, it has to be in his bed, it can’t be too light or too dark and often he needs foot rubs. 

Yep – this one’s high maintenance what can I say?! 

Illness:

As of first writing; it’s that horrible season where there seems to be colds, chicken pox, flu and tummy bugs galore. 

We are a pretty strong family when it comes to illness and even if we do get sick we usually manage to deal with it quickly and effectively with no need of a doctor visit but even LJ, who is never ill, was knocked out in February with a weird bug (during half term holiday I might add though – ever the courteous child!) so I knew it didn’t bode well. 

And Little M has had an on and off cough for the last 3 months now. It literally feels never-ending. He finally slept through the night dulling us into a 2 night sense of security only to be destroyed by a hacking cough that now seems to only appear at night – usually 10 minutes into us trying to relax. 

We are at the point now the cough is annoying the life out of all involved ….. bring on the Summer please!!**

**UPDATE: Well, it is (was!) now the Summer. The cough has (for the most part subsided) but was still so ongoing and coupled with becoming quickly tired and possible allergic reactions that we are now on inhalers and keeping an eye to see whether in fact we are dealing with asthma. Like I said, knock down one obstacle only to find 2 more waiting behind. 

Injuries:

We had our first scary accident at the beginning of this year (last year now!) too. In his excitement at winning Uno LJ jumped up and knocked a boiling hot cup of coffee over his arm. Thank God for best friends who I had used as my excuse to get him to wear a smart long sleeve polo shirt or the resulting burn would have been a lot worse. I will also use this incident to highly recommend attending a first aid course and feel very grateful to Maria at the Ottakring Samiriterbund because with that knowledge and us all staying calm and treating it straight away we really managed to limit the damage and thankfully the trip to the hospital was very short and sweet. A cooling dressing had him sleeping soundly as always and he had no pain medication. My tough boy! A re-dressed bandage the following day and check up 3 days later showed it was healing well and everyone was happy. 

But uuurrgghhhh – that moment when your child is hurt  – horrendous! A sudden reminder that no matter how much they annoy you or keep you awake at night, it only takes a split second for them to be hurt, or worse, to remind you they are your world, and in that moment all that matters is that they are ok. Plus as Mum you are expected to keep cool and show your child that “everything is going to be alright” – even if you don’t know if that’s true. No wonder we carry around that constant worry! 

Homework:

Oh, the woes of school and homework….. I remember in my final week of Uni, as I slowly and steadily completed my final exams, essays and of course had that 10,000 word dissertation bound, that there was a happy air of relief lifted from my shoulders knowing I would never have to write a paper or sit an exam again (unless I consciously decided to). It was a real life-affirming moment. I didn’t counter into this moment that one day I might have a child who speaks a different language from me and the daily battles we would have to just sit down and look at the work! 

As someone that loves reading, and always did, I didn’t bargain on how hard my child would find this and how this would test my patience beyond anything I knew. Thankfully this frustration phase was much shorter than the non-sleeping phase was but in it’s own way it was just as exhausting. 

During the Summer homework was not compulsory but it is recommended and both the teacher’s pet and good mother in me had LJ doing (a little) bit of work every day. It was a fun battle as you can imagine – Deutsch and Maths workbooks don’t quite compare to sunshine, swimming, trampolines, ice-cream and tv – but the exhausted Mama in me is now mature enough to know that the daily battles now are better than the ultimate war we would have going into the second year of school having done nothing. It’s the slow turtle that wins the race in the end and all that……

**UPDATE: We are now into said 2nd year of school and after week 2 I am already dead so what this would have been like having done no work or prep I literally dread to think….Lesson learnt! Whatever preparation you think is enough next Summer – double it! 

YouTube et al:

We live in a world of streaming now. People and especially children don’t watch “live tv” anymore. You don’t have to set a reminder or recorder each Monday at 8pm to ensure you don’t miss your favourite tv programme. You watch it on catch-up. With Netflix and Amazon Prime you can binge watch your favourite box set in a night. Fancy seeing a film? You can buy or rent it direct from your tv and be sat munching your microwave popcorn within minutes. 

You can pretty much have what you want, when you want it, with a touch of a button and it’s great…until your kids realise that they too can watch or play what they want at the click of a button.

Parent blogs and, well, parents in general talk about “screen time” and it all sounds wonderfully grown up and regulated but in reality – with my kids anyway- it just doesn’t happen! 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I let my kids play on my phone or watch YouTube all day long (well, most days anyway…) all I’m saying is it’s harder to ‘regulate’ sometimes than I would like. And I fully admit that’s probably my fault because giving in for the quiet life is of course easier, albeit lazier, than sucking it up and being the “responsible parent” who simply says no. 

The hardest thing for us is the age gap between our children. LJ is at that video game age. For his 8th birthday he got a Nintendo Switch (like most of his friends already have) and he’s exploring his new found fine motor skills in the imaginative world that MARIO and friends have to offer and he’s full on engrossed in catching Pokémon. Of course, as a result of this, so is Little M who is in awe of his big brother and follows wherever he (unwittingly most of the time) leads. For the most part, it’s ok, but on the other side whilst I have encouraged LJ to play games that help his concentration and problem solving skills (my justification atleast!) I am not overly keen on my 4 year old watching bleary eyed over his shoulder. 

Hearing your youngest child – who let’s face it will always be your baby – cry for YouTube and MaWio (because he can’t pronounce his R’s properly) and by MARIO I mean watching supposed grown ups play whilst talking about playing said Mario game (apparently there’s some kind of living to be made from this – one that no doubt pays waaaay more than mine!) is not easy. 

As the Summer ends we have put stronger rules on this and “gameplay” watching is fully over (and will be furthermore so) but it’s like that red button you know you shouldn’t press when those pretty apps are just there on the home screen asking to be clicked on….. We will be tough this school year!!! 

The only silver lining – no Fortnite yet! Or atleast we managed to bypass the cousins enjoyment of this fairly quickly after visiting them on our Summer hols anyway! The Floss dance move is enough FN for me to deal with right now thank you very much!! 

**UPDATE: We have stayed very strong on the “screen time” especially before bed and YouTube barely gets a look in these days at all and life is definitely better for it. Super Nanny and the “simple life” rules really do work! 

SO WHERE ARE WE NOW…. 

Well, we seem to have blasted through the Summer of 2019. A weird time for me as it was laced with grief from having lost my Nanny in June.  

But we also had a great time in the UK this year visiting the Lake District and going back to my childhood by staying in a holiday park caravan! We ended the hols with a trip up North to see my family – something I am determined to do more of since Grandad died at the beginning of the year and as sad as it was the chance to reconnect with all my cousins at his funeral was really special and reminded me just how important family connections are. 

We had what was truly one of the most beautiful English Summer days in the world on the Cat and Dog beach where we played and swam and read and drank tea and ate chips and ice cream literally from sun up to sun down. Watching my kids play so happily the entire day with a couple of spades, a bucket and stones was just magical and I shed a few tears watching them and remembering those Summer days shared with my brothers and cousins as we holidayed with my Grandparents when we were young. It was one of those moments you wish you could bottle up. It was a perfect family day and proof that children do not need technology to have fun! They had nothing more than children hundreds of years ago would have had and I have never seen them so content and happy! 

Back to the real world and as you can imagine the school and work stresses piled up as ever! To be honest Autumn is an exhaustive blur. Apart from the Glühwein I barely remember what happened between school start and school finish but I know by Christmas I was so ready for a break and so were the boys!! 

It was Austrian Christmas this year which usually means far too many presents since our boys are lucky enough to be visited by Christ Kind and Santa and in all honesty the practically life-sized Godzilla under the tree felt a little much but the boys were happy and for the most part very well behaved. 

I can’t believe I am saying this but my favourite present this year was the cordless hoover we bought with our Christmas money. It’s literally a life saver! Letting us zap round the flat so easily that the place no longer feels like a bull was set free in a jumble sale (I almost forgot the English for that since I am now so used to Austrian Flea Markets!) It is amazing what a difference it makes to one’s mood to have a tidy flat! See Marie Kondo I am feeling the joy!! 

So, on to 2020…. New Year was great this year with my parents and brother coming to visit. The fireworks we normally enjoy watching from our balcony were a bit scarcer than usual – not sure if the “environmental” warnings or the wind put people off but either way it was not quite up to its usual par. Still, our Winter fridge was very much empty by the end of the holidays so we managed to still keep our festive cheer up and toast in the New Year in style. 

Having decided I rely far too much on a glass of wine to relax in the evening and having eaten waaaay too much over the festive period I have decided to take on the dry January challenge this year and am also intent on getting something of a 6 pack back (to be honest a 2 pack would do!) and to be completely frank just to feel a bit more energetic and fit would be nice! 

Age really does catch up with you! I feel like when I hit 38 some switch off that just turned me slower and slower! Everything is more of an effort these days. Our children are finally sleeping but the problem is now I feel so old and tired myself half the time I just go to sleep straight after they do! #Can’tWin 

I have also been really down on things the past year – longer actually. I think that’s been clear from the lags in these posts too and from reading back I can see where things changed. When my Grandad died. Grief really is a horrendous thing. I talked about acceptance in my Sleepless in Schwechat post and a couple since then and for me that’s truly the hardest stage. But as I have learnt from the sleeping scenario it is also the only one that allows you to properly move on. Or better yet to coin the phrase of author Nora McInerny^ to move forward. 

With that strongly in mind, this year’s New Year Resolution is to try and think forwards more than backwards. To be more positive and as a result I hope also happier. To try to stop worrying about the things I can’t control (or atleast not let them get me down so much) and instead enjoy the ones I can and better yet the ones I can create for me and my family. 

Because it feels like the blink of an eye between me and my brothers playing on that beach and watching my own little boys playing there. It’s a cliche but time really does go so fast and it would be real waste not to enjoy it! 

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x 

ps We are on to day 3 of Mama’s no alcohol, get fit and energised mission and I can honestly say I have not felt this tired since Little M’s worst not sleeping nights…. the only way is up right?!!! 

 

 

^Nora McInerny –  Blogger of “My Husband’s Tumor” and author of “It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too)”, “No Happy Endings” and “Hot Young Widows Club”. She is also the host of a podcast called “Terrible, Thanks for Asking”.

If, like me, you have struggled with grief this woman knows all about it. www.noramcinerny.com

“About Time”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

So I think we have established that if there was a prize for taking THE longest time between publishing posts I would be top blogger by far! Luckily, I write this blog for my own release – and attempt to remain sane during the particularly exhausting parts of Motherhood – and in the hopes it makes a few parents in similar situations feel a little better and not as a career. And let’s face it life would be even more exhausting if I was relying on my blogging skills to keep my family alive since we clearly would not be able to afford food, electricity or, more importantly these days, Red Bull!

Still, as we are 4 years in to the #Brexit debacle and STILL no sign of a deal I hope you will forgive me for taking my time too – and I promise that is the last time I will mention the B word! (In this post atleast!)

Quite a lot has happened since my last post and at this point I must say that, honestly, most of 2018 is somewhat of a blur! I can definitely tell you, I became a proud Auntie, twice! Both girls! A role I must say I love. Mostly because you get to enjoy the cuddles and the cute bits whilst handing them back at the point of crying, pooey nappies or general grumpiness! But also because I finally get to buy girly clothes and toys!

I also know that the year ended in one of the best UK Christmasses we have had but all things that go up must come down and sadly 2019 started off the same as 2017 as we lost my Grandad in January. 

Although I prepared myself this time round and could put a name to that foggy haze of grief when it hit, I have been filled, as last time, with those awful feelings of guilt and regret, wishing I could have, and knowing I should have, spent more time and effort visiting him.

It doesn’t matter that the costs of travelling regularly from Vienna to the North East of England are rather beyond me or that I have been working and setting up a business as well as raising 2 children, one of whom is now at school and therefore not so easy to just fly over to the UK regularly, those feelings of regret will always be there.

I can’t change the past though – as much as I would like to – but I can make sure to spend more time doing the things that give me “joy” (to coin Marie Kondo’s term^) and less time worrying about the other things which, I hope, will ultimately help to get rid of those feelings of regret and guilt. I think when it comes to the people you love there will never be ‘enough’ time anyway so all you can really do is try to spend the time you do have in the best way you can. Quality over quantity so to speak. In a nutshell, time goes quick (as we have seen) so make the most of it! 

So on to the matter at hand, i.e. being an exhausted Mama….

Since last writing I have a 3 year old!!! (Actually by now he’s nearly 4!) I know – where did that year go right?! I told you time moves fast! 

Not only that; we are out of nappies (by day) – wooh hooh! We have amazingly slept through the night more than once – wooh hooh! And we are actually somewhat conversing – wooh hooh! (Although he still prefers speaking in German. Both amusing – when he’s talking to my Mum who doesn’t understand a word – and annoying – when he’s talking to my Mum at 7am in the morning and I have to shout to translate!!) 

Despite all of that we are still absolutely 100% exhausted!!! Because turns out that unlike LJ who really became an angel once he hit 3, Little M takes the terrible 3’s (or are we now technically into what I am calling the FFS 4’s?!) to a whole new level. 

If it wasn’t such a serious status these days one might even refer to him as a miniature terrorist. His favourite word is ‘Nein’ usually said with the most evil of faces you will ever see on a cherub like 3 year old. If we go left he goes right. He would happily go to Kiga in his Pyjamas everyday. He’s the child that sees the Naughty Step as a fun place to be and pretty much would live off Kinder Eggs and carbohydrates if you let him! He idolises his brother and wakes up every morning either on a rampage to find LJ or in absolute tears because he has already gone to school. 

Despite being a ‘the sun is up so I have to be up’ kind of person he is the grumpiest of kids in the morning ever. Now we all know I am no morning person but surely if you believe the sun is your cue to get up you should have some kind of sunny disposition to go with that…?! Kids and logic never did go well together though did they?

We have also seen 7 year old tears and tantrums as the reality of homework sets in and the trauma of learning to read has been something I did not ever expect (or know how to deal with!) – being someone that loved school and could always read beyond my years from an early age. Still, I can also sleep through anything (earthquakes, hurricanes, children screaming for more milk, toddlers jumping on your head….) and like to eat everything so I guess not sharing my educational feelings should not come as a major surprise either!

A few lessons from Super Nanny* did get us into a relatively calm period for a while. The cutting down on tv, chocolate, use of Mama’s phone and finding fun ways to do additional reading work has proved, as is often the case, that the simple answers are usually the best ones. 

And sleep wise things have also been looking up…

I don’t know whether it’s just been my new outlook on life and dedication to Sarah Knight’s^^ method of “getting my shit together” and “not giving a f*&k” about the things I don’t want to, i.e. getting up in the middle of the night for anything other than illness, bad dreams or potential kidnapping, that has led me to believe Little M has been generally sleeping better or whether he really has been but either way, for the most part, I do feel a little like things on the sleep front have improved. 

Which is good, because I am soooo over the not sleeping thing! It was bad enough that I was promised with baby 1 that he would sleep once he started eating solids then, failing that, he would sleep when he hit 6 months old….then when he walks……when he starts Kindergarten……when he hits 2……. blah blah blah. If you’re taking the time to read this then I imagine you know the drill! 

Well, he was 3 years old! It coincided with (finally) giving up the dummy. So, with baby no.2, although I of course held onto a hope it would be “different this time” (cue more baby advice: number 2 is always easier and you only get 1 bad sleeper! INSERT “heard it all before so please shut up” emoji here) I also knew that chances are we wouldn’t. 

I did not, however, expect it to be worse!

When we got rid of the dummies (earlier than we did with LJ) I really thought this would be it and when it wasn’t I convinced my self it would happen when he turned 3. After all, Little M had never really woken BECAUSE of the dummies so there was no reason for there to be a clear link between that and him sleeping through. What I should have considered is, that since we could never really put a finger on why he woke up (beyond the new baby period when he needed milk) that there was no reason to expect when he turned 3 he would miraculously work out that reason for himself and leave us to it!

The night we blew out those 3 birthday candles I smugly thought this was going to be it but of course it wasn’t. So I finally succumbed to my husband’s acceptance** that he was not going to sleep through and nothing we could do would change that. I must say it is quite liberating taking control of what you can’t control. And somehow it has got better. Somehow, without really noticing – maybe because by this point I am so exhausted I just don’t even know what is going on anymore – he’s sleeping. I can’t call it “sleeping through” because it’s not regular but he is sleeping!

So it seems acceptance is the key after all. I always took it as a sign of weakness. Like accepting meant you were giving in. But since I have been on this “get your shit together” quest I have realised that accepting is something you actually do out of choice and is therefore a sign you are in control instead of something being in control of you. By deciding enough was enough and realising that “get up for whinging child” should only be on my ‘must do’ list in the case of illness, bad dream or potential kidnapping, life and more importantly nights, have become decidedly better and so has my mood (honestly, it has!) 

So it seems those ‘5 stages of grief’ guys were right after all and in the case of sleeping so was my husband (just don’t tell him I said that!)

We still have our sleep dramas – more on the traumas of actually getting the kids into their respective beds next time which I hope, rather than promise, will be sooner than 2020! 

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

 

References: 

^Marie Kondo – The Japanese tidying expert, star of Netflix show “Tidying up with Marie Kondo” and best-selling author who wants to spark joy with the KonMari Method.

www.konmari.com 

Book- The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing”

^^Sarah Knight – Anti-Guru, creator of the NotSorry Method and best-selling author of books aimed at Mental Decluttering and taking manageable steps to changing your life

Books referenced – “Get Your Shit Together” and “The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k”

*www.supernanny.co.uk

** see ”Sleepless in Schwechat” http://www.exhaustedmamaclub.com/?p=46

“The Hours”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

There are just not enough hours in the day!!!! Or night more like it because then I might actually get some sleep.

After a day that started at 6.30am with cooking whole 30 breakfasts and lunches, getting the boys up, dressed and ready for their respective school and kindergarten drop-offs, followed by a loooong day at work, pick ups, shopping, dinner, baths, (painful) bedtimes and washing up followed by a load of paperwork, I thought I might finally at 11.35pm have a sit down in front of the tv. My precious boy had other thoughts of course and literally started moaning for his water 30 seconds later!

So now we’re at midnight and I know I will regret typing this now instead of going to sleep but I am going to treasure this 30 minutes of sitting on something other than a car seat even if it kills me! After all, tomorrow is even more non-stop. And my husband thinks Friday is my “day off”  Ha!

Sweet dreams,

Mama Atzi x

 

“The Silence”

Mama Atzi / / 1 Comment

So firstly apologies for my radio silence over the last months. It has been way longer than I intended.

I have tried to write many blogs since I last posted but the quiet was too much for me at a time when the loss of my Grandad was still very raw and I found myself only able to think of him. I wrote about the 5 stages of grief in my “Sleepless in Schwechat” post but this was the first time I truly felt it for real. And it sucks! I still haven’t really accepted my Grandad has gone. He still pops into my mind constantly. Memories and thoughts that are ignited by the slightest of things – posters for the cuddly vegetables he saved tokens to get us, photos on my walls, crosswords, fisherman as we walk past the river, offers for drinks in the supermarkets, cherry tomatoes and carrots growing in our allotment and a million other seemingly inconsequential things that just remind me of him at unexpected moments.

During the first month after Grandad died Little M was going through a phase of needing me to lie near the cot as he went off to sleep. Lying there in the dark I found the silence deafening and, just as it had been when I tried to write, I found myself just crying into the quiet. I realised I needed to give myself a distraction and since I was not at all happy with my lack of exercise I created the Cotside Challenge Workout!! No app or membership required. Simply lie down on the floor, while your clingy child attempts to go to sleep and let you have some peace for once, and do some Pilates based exercises! 

I was able to work my tummy, my pelvis, my back, arms, legs and thighs. Do some quiet stretches and suddenly I wasn’t only thinking about sad things anymore. I wasn’t getting annoyed with my toddler for not sleeping and the time went so much quicker. I can’t say I saw many physical benefits as a result of my new work out plan – no 6 pack or particularly toned thighs – but it did help while away those quiet moments that were slowly eating me alive.

My toddler was happy because I was quietly breathing next to him and I was happy because my mind was elsewhere and for the first time in forever I didn’t even resent my child for making me lie with him!!

After this I realised I needed to find similar distractions during the day so I must admit that I did throw myself into some new ventures – possibly a few too many now the dust has settled a bit but I also needed a push. Even though it meant I continued to neglect my dear blog.

Not long after this Little M decided he was ok to go off to sleep on his own – score! So my Cotside Challenge dwindled away…for a while anyway! (Don’t worry I still don’t have a good sleeper!!)

So much has happened in the last few months. So much I would have liked to share with you all but couldn’t.

I will always have my moments, a part of me has been changed forever now, but the quiet is easier to deal with and instead of being sad I need to be grateful for the life I have – in part because of my Grandad – and instead of being scared of the feeling that hits me in the silence, embrace it and know it just means that Grandad is still here with me.

So yes lots has happened in the last few months but I’ll save that for the next post…

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x