So my baby boy is about to turn 1! Where did that go?! I’m not going to lie to you and say it has been the best year of my life. Quite frankly it has been exhausting, hard work and at times pretty damn painful. I have most certainly had better times in my life – when I was young and single, doing the job I love and getting paid to see the world for example! But would I do it all again? Of course I would-in a heartbeat. Would I change a thing? Nope. (Well apart from the no sleeping – I would totally change that part!)
Being a Mum is a constant conundrum. A battle of our former (slightly more fabulous) selves and our current (bald patched, no clean clothes, exhausted) selves. We dream for the youthful energy and peaceful times that we took for granted yet imagine if suddenly we found ourselves without our babies and able to once again live a spontaneous and care-free life. Well, that kind of peace is unfathomable. Despite it all, now we have our children we would never go back. We just couldn’t.
As we speak I am watching a film* where a Mum tells her baby-desperate friend ‘“You don’t want to have kids. It’s awful. It ruins you. Do you want to see my Mama vagina? I’ll show you…” But this woman has 4 children. So Motherhood can’t be so bad huh??!
The truth is having a baby is not all rainbows and butterflies.
There are perfect Mums in the world who wax lyrical over every aspect of their perfect baby and maybe they are genuinely telling the truth but for most of us it is not so easy. Still, we are made to feel there is something wrong with us if we aren’t happy all the time.
If we are not glowing immediately after birth (sorry-must be all those hormones, the painful nipples and agonising effort just to pee all on 1 hour of sleep) or in fact for the rest of our child’s lives, then we must be missing some basic kind of Mummy gene. So much so that some Mums feel the need to lie. As you may have realised by now, I am not one of those Mothers.
Having said that, I suppose I too only put the good bits on Facebook – all the bad stuff I save for here! – but that’s because, when all is said and done, the good stuff does outweigh the bad and when my memories from last year pop up on my news feed of course I only want to relive the nice bits. The moments that made me smile. Plus the awful bits are so awful who would have time to grab a camera anyway?!
I think a Dad in the aforementioned film* sums it up best: “Being a parent is awful, awful, awful and then something incredible happens. Then, awful, awful, awful and again something incredible. It’s like this all day, every day but that one magical moment makes it all worthwhile”.
So yes, it has been a rollercoaster of a year. Filled with illnesses, lost friends and family members, very little sleep, bumps and bruises, clingy children, explosive poos, whinging 4 year olds, did I mention the lack of sleep?, tears, tantrums, fussy eating, sore nipples, hair loss, muscle spasms, back pain, sleep deprivation (oh wait, I said that). In short, a year of awful, awful awful but then……
It has also been a year of baby smiles and giggles, fingers grabbed by little fists, rolling over, eyes locking, cuddles for no reason, crawling, sitting, first steps, funny faces, blowing raspberries, walking across a room into your waiting arms, watching something you created growing and learning, revelling in their wonder and excitement, witnessing the most special relationship between 2 brothers blossom and that face.
A year of incredible.
All topped off with that simple word: ‘Mama’.
Like most things in life you have to experience the lows to appreciate the highs. The baby lows are so low you’re practically in Australia but that means you can only savour in the absolute magic of the baby highs.
I think the first year is probably the hardest but it is full of magic too and whilst I am sad that my baby is no longer a baby I am looking forward to following his adventures into Toddlerhood. I know there will be plenty of awful ahead but there will also be a whole load of incredible.
So Happy Birthday Baby M. I promise to give you all you need, to keep you safe and make sure you never question that you are loved. I wish for you only happiness and to be yourself always. To explore, grow and learn at your own pace. I wouldn’t change a thing……(apart from the sleeping. Please start sleeping. Thanks!)
Sweet Dreams-
Mama Atzi x
*Quotes taken from the movie ‘The Back Up Plan’ starring Jennifer Lopez. Written by Kate Angelo.
