“Mirror Mirror”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

I don’t need to ask my mirror who is the fairest of them all because I already know it is most definitely NOT me! 

Laughter lines aside what I hate seeing the most when I look in the mirror these days (which in all honesty is not that often since a mirror cracking brings 7 years bad luck) is the weird sprouting grey hairs that seem to have accumulated in the oddest of places. I mean like really weird. It’s as if these silver spikes have deliberately protruded out of every flaw you already have a complex about just to laugh in your face. The bald patches, weird horn like tufts of hair and new tiny sprouts that for some reason occur during pregnancy and then just NEVER LEAVE (despite my floors being covered in enough lost hair to make a carpet) are suddenly adorned by greyness. I mean, honestly, how can parts of your head be bald AND grey at the same time. That’s just not fair! 

It’s had me crying, “I’m sooooo old”! at my reflection, which in turn prompted LJ to cry so hard he almost hyperventilated because he equates being old with death and thought that meant I was going to drop down dead at any moment. And quite frankly by this point I wasn’t sure I could confidently persuade him otherwise. Silver was supposedly THE hair colour of the year in 2019 but you know what? I call BS coz I don’t see anything fashionable or sexy about this fifty shades of grey and my son definitely wasn’t buying it either! 

I suddenly felt like I was headed on the downhill part of my “journey of life” and it all occurred on my last birthday. 

It felt like turning 38 had triggered an old age bomb within me. I could hear and feel it ticking away inside – causing me to age (badly I might add) with every tock! 

35 was always my “scary age” for some reason, and I guess I should have felt grateful for those 3 extra “good years”, because seriously the day, in fact the minute, I turned 38 it all really did start to go down hill! 

My muscles became more weary, the bags under my eyes appeared darker, the lines on my face even deeper, the grey hairs harder to hide and just everything in general suddenly seemed to take far more effort than it did mere hours earlier! My bones physically hurt and just getting out of the bed in the morning felt like waking up from a major operation. And I wasn’t exactly the most spritely thing of a morning as it was!

It felt like I had hit midlife crisis mode. And I suppose if that means I have 38 years left it’s not really that bad – hopefully that gives me time to see my boys get married and meet my grandchildren (even if I can’t lift them!) – but somehow this new found exhaustion really got me feeling rather depressed. 

By Christmas 2019 I was pretty much on the verge of burn-out. And granted I got myself involved in organising a Christmas event that took up way more time and caused way more stress than it needed to but we pulled that off and usually all that stress and excitement, as hard as it is at the time, is what I thrive off and would have been enough to send me through to the New Year on a high – especially knowing that it had helped raise a huge amount of money for charity – but it didn’t. It was completely anti-climatic and almost took the joy out of Christmas for me because I was, as I said, genuinely on the verge of burn-out and 100% owning my Exhausted Mama status. 

That is when I realised that this year’s new year resolution had to be about looking after myself more and getting back the happy. 

Sometimes I think we Mamas spend so much time trying to make sure everyone around us has what they need and want and that they are happy and healthy; that we totally and utterly neglect ourselves in the process. 

The problem is that when we are not happy or healthy ourselves how does that help anyone? 

I really started to feel like I’d lost myself somewhere along the way. It took me back to my “Remember Me” post but this time it was worse because I felt like I was also losing the Mama part of me. I was no longer seeing the lines on my face as memories of the fun and laughter I had shared with my boys but simply imprints of stress and worry and I felt like I was failing everyone. Including myself. 

Yet I still wasn’t helping myself either. I had got into this weird self-destructive, angry place. I felt like I had the opportunity to do something special here. To expand my business and create something that would be beneficial both for me personally but also ultimately for my family and yet, whilst it seemed to be right there for the taking, something was still holding me back. My fear of failure and the reality of the risks involved – financially and emotionally, my husband, my children, my lack of self-esteem….something. And that made me angry and grumpy and frustrated. My fuse was at times so short that I was picking arguments with my husband more than ever but still finding myself unable to really tell him what I was feeling and why I was so pissed off all the time. 

And I was binging more Netflix than ever in a desperate bid to switch my brain off but ending up simply losing more sleep as a result! 

I realised that I had hit a kind of wall. No matter which angle I came at it from, how high I jumped, how much rope I tried to throw, I was not getting over that wall. 

So I did what the ‘wine mummy culture’ would expect of me – I poured myself a glass of wine and tried to ignore the wall and concentrate on the needs of my kids and husband instead. 

But then I got thinking about how every time I am overworked or overstressed or feeling a little bit too homesick my answer was indeed to pour a glass of wine and take a bath in order to just get on with it again the next day. 

According to an article in The Washington Post* online studies show that women, especially those in their 30’s and 40’s, are drinking more than ever. And I can full on believe it. 

The occasional after-work glass of wine was turning into a regular thing and the de-stressing bubble bath with “extra bubbles” to unwind were becoming far more common too. 

Back to my Netflix obsession and it was clear every other 30 something woman was doing that same thing – making it justified. 

But slowly the ‘acceptable’ time to pour that first glass was getting earlier and earlier (it’s 6pm somewhere right?!) and it was fast becoming a habit and, what’s worse, one that seemed normal because that’s what all the stressed out, over worked, exhausted Mamas were doing. 

Enter New Year Resolution season and it seemed the perfect time to curb the drinking and, in the process, put the focus on myself to find the happy. For once in my life I wanted to be positive and look ahead by making simple changes to help get what I wanted and hopefully keep the stress away in the first place, rather than going through the motions and relying on finding ways (like wine and baths) to relieve the stress. 

Enter Dry January and the #ExhaustedMamaMission. You can follow my exploits here: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=3659816844058701&id=1167362226637521

Now I don’t pretend to know much about this supposed ‘Sober Curious’ movement.  For me it was pure coincidence that, just as I decide to “go sober” for a while, this has apparently become a “thing”. But having done a bit of research in writing this blog post (I know, professional right?!) it seems I am not the only one intrigued in seeing if life with a bit less alcohol can indeed be better! I can assure you that I have no interest in doing this to be cool or follow the crowd – apparently the “millennial generation has embraced sober curious culture and has actually made sobriety more culturally acceptable”** whatever that means! 

I just want to take responsibility for my own happiness for a change and stop relying on others (or a glass of wine and a bath tub) to make me feel good. I want to get a bit fitter and a bit healthier and since exercise is linked to the release of endorphins (the “feel good” chemicals) hopefully happier and more positive too. 

So for once in my life, instead of continuing to half-heartedly try climbing that wall so I could put on this false bravado that of course I am ambitious, of course I can make it over the other side. I decided that maybe this time I would instead look at the bigger picture and accept that perhaps it is simply not my time to get over that wall just yet. That perhaps, right now, it was enough to know that there is, potentially, something special waiting for me on the other side (and my gut instincts tell me there is) and when I am really ready for it, instead of having to fight my way over I will have the knowledge and the expertise in place to simply knock through that wall and walk with confidence and conviction through it. (Well, I sound convincing anyway don’t I?)

I said in my “About Time” post that accepting what you can not control is truly a liberating feeling. There are so many quotes out there about not worrying about the things you can not control and instead focusing on the things you can. It is a hard thing to stop yourself worrying though and in all honesty something like that is quite often an innate part of your personality so you are never going to truly be able to ‘switch off’ the natural born worrier in you but I have really learnt that it is not so much the worrying but the accepting of those things that is the key to being calmer and therefore happier. 

Accepting my Grandad had died was and still is the hardest part of that grief journey and there’s some days still now, almost 3 years later, that I revert back to that feeling and am not able to accept he has gone. That any of my Grandparents have gone. That first true bout of grief has changed me forever. 

You all know too how hard I fought not to give up hope that my babies would sleep but it was only when I truly accepted that this was something I couldn’t control and they were simply not good sleepers (and I don’t care about any Ferber or Gina Ford fans who disagree – you do you) that I personally, FINALLY, felt some peace about this rather horrendous part of our parental journey. 

And that is the key here too. I needed to accept that some things right now were not going to change (ie my dreams of my own dance studios) but that other things could and should (ie me being happier with my current situation and enjoying and building on what I have now) and that by doing that those dreams would not be lost but simply postponed. 

So here we are. 

25 days sober (that sounds weird) and feeling somewhat “different” though my ‘sober curiosity’ has not been peaked enough to fully join the movement. The work outs have not been quite as daily as I had hoped having now settled back into the reality of school, Kiga and work but I am definitely on it more than I was and am finding out new things about my body, including the fact that I think regaining my pre-baby belly is going to be much more complicated than I first thought (more to follow on that in a future post!) 

I do feel more positive though and I am definitely being more pro-active. I think that’s more to my new mindset than the actual sober part to be honest. I have always been a pretty determined person and when I want something and put my mind to it I usually do get it or atleast work very hard to do my best. I still procrastinate too much – small steps and all that – but it is getting better and I am no longer simply getting through the day until I can chill with a glass of wine. 

The worst thing about this dry January is the boredom I have felt. Which just sounds terrible. Maybe it’s again coincidental that it’s happening whilst term is quite sorted and things are running fairly smoothly. I am on top of upcoming trips that have been planned and in between stuff at the moment, which means I don’t have any major projects in the works. Plus things were so crazy busy before Christmas that anything after that was going to seem slow. But it really feels like some evenings I am wondering what to do with myself because I can’t have a drink to while away the time before bed! Slippery slope….

So that needs working on for sure because I do not want to go back to having a drink because it’s something to do. I haven’t wanted it or needed it this last month and as easy as it is to slip back into old habits I am determined not to. Don’t get me wrong I am looking forward to having a nice drink again (because I genuinely love the taste of wine – if someone could just make a decent non-alcoholic version all would be simple!) and especially in a sociable setting – to quote Joey “if a blind man gets back his sight does he walk around {with his arms outstretched}” – but it should also be something that is enjoyed rather than a ‘just because’ and it most definitely should not be to make my life feel better than it is. 

I have also realised that my vitamin d deficiency may actually be related to my alcohol consumption. Another quite scary thought really.  But in the last week or so my nails have really grown and become stronger – something I have not had since pregnancy (and I am definitely not with child!) and the pain I used to feel almost constantly at the bottom of my spine has also had some relief. Of course I am also feeling a bit less anxious and stressed at the moment and working out more, especially on my core, so it may all be linked to that (or it may not!) It will be interesting to see after this period what happens. 

One thing I have not gained though is a ‘the sun is up so I must be up’ personality and honestly I don’t think my energy levels have improved in any particular positive way so I guess I have some more accepting to do (ie that my body is simply now that of an older person who is also a working Mother) and learn to get on with it. 

No matter what happens though I am determined to continue with a more positive outlook on everything and knowing that sometimes I will slip and some days will have a more negative vibe than others but if I try my best to hold onto the things that ‘spark joy’ and let go of the things that don’t – and especially those that I can not control anyway – I will realise that failing is not the same as failure and that however “old” I might be feeling it is actually a privilege that not everyone gets to experience. So, onwards and upwards my fellow exhausted Mamas and Papas. We got this!

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x 

*by Caitlin Gibson, July 7th 2019

https://www.google.at/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/mothers-are-drinking-more-than-ever-but-the-sober-curious-movement-challenges-wine-mom-culture/2019/07/05/93351576-9cec-11e9-b27f-ed2942f73d70_story.html%3foutputType=amp

**From an article for Very Well Mind by Sarah Sheppard, updated November 27th 2019

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-sober-curious-4774971

 ^A term coined by tidying expert Marie Kondo and the KonMari Method (TM)

“The Nightmare Before Christmas”

Mama Atzi / / 2 Comments

What a year. So I know I have been pretty useless this last year in the blogging sense. It has not been my intention to be so. Quite the opposite. I have simply been living the life as described by the title of my blog and ultimately been too exhausted to actually put anything vaguely coherent together worthy of posting.

2017 has been the toughest year of my life. With so many ups and downs and seriously low lows. Full of loss and sadness, toddler tantrums, new schools, new jobs and too many small but ultimately time consuming or energy zapping issues to contend with.

Since last writing properly I have a 2 year old totally gorgeous but painfully exhausting trouble maker and a school kid who lost his first tooth this month! Time has seemingly flown by whilst I have been struggling, in all honesty, to keep it together and cope with my boys who are now so big I can barely tell who’s clothes belongs to who anymore. (Embarrassing Mama moment: Picking up LJ from school only to realise he was wearing an age 2-3 year olds top. Think Ross putting on that Frankie Says Relax t-shirt in Friends!)

Little M found it tough adjusting to Kiga without his big brother whilst LJ – the one we were worried about – has taken school all in his stride really. Overcoming many obstacles and really doing us proud – even if he does hate and constantly moan about his homework because it’s “soooo boring”!!

Little M has however also come on leaps and bounds this year. Security issues aside he’s really trying to talk, he’s so independent in so many ways and man does he idolise his big brother. LJ now has to really watch what he does and says, especially considering the following came out of his mouth the other day: “What the f@£k!” Then catching my look: “Mama, do we say ‘what the f@£k?” No son, no we do not!! Especially not in front of your very susceptible 2 year old brother who already says Kaka for Car (the German word for Poo!) which seems to have caught on with some of the younger children at Kindergarten!!

Though not always easy there has been job success this year with both myself and Ste and I have been especially excited and overwhelmed by the amazing response to my dance classes here. In a year that has been mostly black I have been able to get some of my dance sparkle back thanks to some extremely wonderful and supportive people – Joanna, Begum and Ozlem you have literally kept me sane and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

As I sit here waiting for my boys and their Oma, Opa and Uroma to arrive in anticipation of ChristKind, I am reminded of the only thing that is important in this world: Love, family and friendship.

Through Brexit, Donald Trump. some too close to home terror attacks and saying goodbye to 2 of the most wonderful Grandfathers to ever have graced this Earth as well as Allan and Peter, two major figures in a child- and adolescent-hood full of incredible memories, I really can only look at my two beautiful boys and feel thankful.

I learnt for the first time what true grief feels like and how helpless you are to it. Too many friends have lost people they held dear this year and I am not too naive to admit that this year was only the beginning for us too. For the first time I really understand the importance of living in the moment.

It’s not always easy of course – the fights are now quite epic as one boy inevitably always wants what the other wants, somedays I feel like nothing but a taxi driver as I face the logistics that come with new schools and jobs and my fingers have become ever more attached to my iPhone as I juggle 2 dance schools and a “normal” job as well as trying to make sure we have food in the fridge and atleast a semi-clean apartment! Some days I wonder how we survived without smartphones and Google drive and how I ever managed to maintain any kind of contact with my family before Whats App was created. I thank all at Amazon – the true Santas of this crazy modern world – without whom few of my family members would have had presents this Christmas, let alone my kids!

So yes, living every day like it’s your last is not always possible – especially when some days it takes every ounce of strength just to get out of bed in the morning – but it is my aim to appreciate what I have more. Last year’s resolution was to slow down and take the time to enjoy each moment more. We really managed that to an extent so this year simply needs to be a continuation of that.

I am working to give my family, and me, a better life but some days it feels like all I ever do is work and although I enjoy a lot of it, there are days where I begrudge my children interrupting me and that’s not what I want to feel. If I can’t take some time out to just enjoy my kids while they are still kids then really what’s the point of it all anyway?

Finding a balance between the work you need to do, the work you like to do and still spending quality time with the people you love is hard but it shouldn’t be impossible.

As always Christmas is a wonderful reminder of what is important and as we come to the end of a year where we have said too many goodbyes it really is time to make more of an effort to spend time with the people I love and holding my kids a little more now – while I have the chance – because at the end of it all it won’t be my phone I will want to hold in my arms.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“The Hours”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

There are just not enough hours in the day!!!! Or night more like it because then I might actually get some sleep.

After a day that started at 6.30am with cooking whole 30 breakfasts and lunches, getting the boys up, dressed and ready for their respective school and kindergarten drop-offs, followed by a loooong day at work, pick ups, shopping, dinner, baths, (painful) bedtimes and washing up followed by a load of paperwork, I thought I might finally at 11.35pm have a sit down in front of the tv. My precious boy had other thoughts of course and literally started moaning for his water 30 seconds later!

So now we’re at midnight and I know I will regret typing this now instead of going to sleep but I am going to treasure this 30 minutes of sitting on something other than a car seat even if it kills me! After all, tomorrow is even more non-stop. And my husband thinks Friday is my “day off”  Ha!

Sweet dreams,

Mama Atzi x

 

“Open All Hours”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

Chasing this little guy = 1 super exhausted Mama but sleep versus this face = no contest!

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Fear not fellow sleep deprived parents; I have not abandoned you. You should know by now that my long silences are usually the result of yet another bad sleeping period! And alas I can confirm that I am still very much an exhausted Mama.

It has been approximately 521 nights since our beautiful boy arrived and approximately 520 nights of broken, disturbed sleep.

I reported a midweek miracle not too long ago in which we had a fleeting moment of hope for more sleep filled nights but, as predicted, it was not to last and I can honestly say that is the only time in the 521 days of my darling boy’s existence that I would use the sentence “he slept through the night”. (I friggin’ hate that sentence!!! Even more so in question form!)

For a brief period I did feel like he was genuinely getting better. The milk in the night stopped completely and if he did wake up he would happily have some water or baby tea and go straight off again. I could cope with that. I think we have even had a brief period where he was only waking once.

But then the dreaded teeth started moving again. Dribble by day (literally covered in his own saliva like something out of Ghostbusters which is unbelievable for me as LJ never dribbled a drop!) and at night a little demon. Waking constantly in pain and discomfort. Ye ole faithful Calpol didn’t seem to deter it and only Bonjela on the dummy was enough to get him to doze off again – for a mere 2 hours at a time!

In the Summer though we somehow managed to get into a routine where we could just lie him down in the cot, leave him and he would drop off on his own. Previously he was a complete ‘rock to sleep in our arms baby’ so this felt like a real turning point and then that magical night came and I almost (almost!) let myself believe we had turned a corner but then…..yep, another damn tooth!

Since then we have had good and bad nights again. A horrendous couple of weeks when we got back home after our trip to the UK and then a bit more of a settled period. Recently he has been giving us atleast a bit of an evening before causing chaos in the middle of the night – sometimes literally wanting to get up and play at 3am! But he has atleast maintained a fairly quick routine of being put to bed on his own, and at a decent hour, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much!

The problem with Baby M, however, is that no matter how he sleeps he wakes up early. Usually between 6 and 6.30am and as someone who is really not a morning person it just drains me. And when he has had a particularly bad night and then STILL wakes up at 6am it’s a killer. I am at this time truly grateful to the makers of morning children’s tv and can honestly say I have no guilt whatsoever about switching the tv on – when I can manage to wearily reach for the remote control – and let him sit between us in bed (oh yeah I forgot to mention he rarely makes it to morning in his own bed anymore!) watching cartoons whilst we try to snooze.

I will admit I am very lucky that my darling husband is always on breakfast duty. Sometimes I even get a coffee brought to me! I manage to drag myself up to get the boys dressed (around about the time of the Ritterburg cartoon) and LJ’s stuff sorted for kindergarten and somehow we are out of the house by 7.45. But most mornings it is a blur.

These days I am back home having done the food shop, put the washing on, tidied the kitchen and emptied or stacked the dishwasher by the time I would normally be hitting the snooze button and my brain demanding its first caffeine kick of the day. It makes me laugh to think I used to call 9am early! I can honestly say I have never been so tired.

I used to be a person that was up late into the night. Sometimes not going to bed until 2am, knowing I could get up late. The truth is I probably didn’t get all that much more sleep back then but the point was I was in control of it. If I wanted to go to bed early I could, if I wanted to get up late I could. Now I’m totally at the mercy of my children and it’s hard not being in charge of your own sleep patterns. It’s especially hard feeling so exhausted at 8pm that your body and brain already wants to go to sleep but that stubborn part of you that wants to be in control won’t let you go to bed that early. So instead you sit up watching Netflix or doing work that can probably wait.

At the time of writing this I am sat on a plane on the way to London for work. Child free! I can not wait to sleep. Don’t get me wrong I will miss my babies. I will wonder what they are dong all the time I am not with them but when I snuggle into those bed covers and lay my head down on that pillow I will be smiling. And when my friend’s little girl stirs (which she rarely does to be honest) I will simply roll over and be grateful that for once I don’t have to be the one to get up!

They always say you don’t appreciate things until they’re gone and sleep theft is no exception.

With that in mind though you just have to remember what you would miss more….sleep or your children. I know, sometimes that feels like a tough one!, but sleepless nights is just 1 short (albeit horrendous) period in their lives. Trust me, it took 3 years with LJ but we got there in the end.

When I have a particularly bad night that’s what gets me through. A life without sleep is tough but survivable, a life without my children would not be worth living.

So I’ll enjoy the sleeps I get and revel in moaning about the painfully exhausting nights that are oh, so familiar because in the end pain is good, pain means you’re alive.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“I Don’t Know How She Does It”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

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Recently I watched the film “I don’t know how she does it” starring Sarah Jessica Parker as a working Mum and I think the title sums up the basic plot.

It’s a must-see for any of us that are trying to juggle a career as well as being the ‘perfect Mum’ and a reminder that no matter how hard we try we will never quite live up to everyone’s expectations. But what I love about this film is that it highlights the fact that, actually, that’s ok. We don’t have to be perfect at either role all the time. We just have to be there. Turn up, do our job to the best of our ability and most importantly know that when all is said and done family has to come first. Because we can say we are working for a better future or life for our children but they aren’t children for long. In a blink of an eye their childhood is gone and if you’re not careful you’ll miss it.

I love the fact that SJP doesn’t give up the job she loves for the family she loves more because as she says “without this job I’m not me” but it does highlight the fact that when you have kids, things change. It’s not easy to adjust to a life where spontaneity is rare and being able to go out for drinks with your girlfriends at short notice is unheard of. Shopping trips involve logistical planning and overpacked bags with enough nappies, bottles and a change of clothes to last the afternoon.

Where romance is being able to watch a whole film uninterrupted or eat a meal with 2 hands and sleeping through the night is the new sex.

For the most part you’re exhausted before you even begin.

Your life is never your own again and that’s why it’s important to hold on to that part of yourself where you perhaps feel a little more successful than you do at home – well sometimes!

But to be a working Mum is to be in a constant battle of yourselves. Black power suit (or whatever you wear for work!) on one shoulder versus puked on, exhausted self on the other. Finding the perfect balance is hard but worth it (I think anyway).

And women do all this under the cloud of a gender bias too. I’m not going to get into that discussion – I’m a dancer so I accepted inequality in the workplace a long time ago but it is there and exists even before we have children because, of course, the assumption is that we all will.

In this world of social media it is easy to show the world how well we do it because only the good stuff is ever shown to the public. We can all be as successful as we want to on paper because who wants to flaunt their failings? No-one really knows what goes on behind our computer screens or how hard it really is. In reality ‘how she does it’ is to wing it most of the time. And that’s why I really enjoyed watching this film because it sums up how I feel every day!

I shared SJP’s excitement of opening her wardrobe to find an outfit that doesn’t have a stain on it.

When asked by a colleague if she has a Rice Krispie on her jacket rather than hide it or just get rid of it she tastes it and then explains ‘ah no it’s just pancake batter’. How many times have I done something similar not even noticing anymore that maybe to those without kids that’s not normal behaviour?! And thank God it did turn out to be chocolate! ?

Like SJP’s character (because I’m sure the real SJP would never do this) I would be the Mum that buys a cake and passes it off as her own. (Although most people know I can’t bake to save my life so that little trick probably wouldn’t stay a secret long!)

I fall asleep choreographing routines and making lists to make lists!!

When she cries because she discovers the babysitter has taken her son for his first haircut I cry with her. And for me that is the most apt part of the film. That even dressed in a smart suit carrying a briefcase and off to her high-powered job in investment banking she is still a Mother and only another Mum can understand the importance of a ‘first hair-cut’ and how heartbreaking it is to miss it. Or any ‘first’ for that matter.

Jobs come and go but from the moment you meet your baby you are a Mama and that’s one role you will never quit – even if there are days you might seriously consider it.

There are people I know who make the juggling of work and Motherhood look not only easy but attractive. As someone who struggles to find the time to get jobs done every day I really don’t know how they do it. I am in constant awe of their time management skills and wish someone would share the secret with me.

Still, when I take a step back I realise I’m not doing quite such a bad job, in either role, as I think. My school is doing well and my boys are healthy and happy. They are surrounded by love and provided with new experiences and opportunities to learn and have fun every day. We have clothes on our backs, a roof over our heads and food in our cupboards, we even managed a family holiday this year. So my house might be a mess, I’m certainly no Nigella Lawson in the kitchen, I still haven’t mastered the German language, I don’t update this blog half as much as I would like and I’m on my phone doing work stuff way too often but when all is said and done I am there when it counts and my boys will always be my first priority (the big one included).

So I might not know how ‘she’ does it but I’ll just keep doing what ‘I’ do and maybe one day someone will say that about me! (Just as long as I never invite them round my house ?)

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x