“Somewhere Slow” (New Year, New Start)

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

 

I have only a handful of New Year’s intentions, several more New Year’s hopes and wishes but only 1 real New Year’s resolution for 2017.

Like all good intentions – drink less, eat better, workout more – I am not off to a very good start. I could give you a load of excuses as to why – Little M isn’t sleeping well so I am exhausted and deserve a little tipple of an evening, I’ve had a chest infection and who wants to workout when they’re ill? But truthfully I just don’t care enough. Bad attitude I know but I am of the mind that (for example) if you’re gonna quit smoking, you have to really ‘want’ to quit smoking. Hence these were ‘intentions’ not proper resolutions – somehow I feel better about breaking intentions than resolutions. I know, I know. Excuses, excuses. As I said I don’t care!

The hopes and wishes, like most Mamas, are for health and happiness for my family and friends, and maybe a bit less stress, a bit more money and a focus on the good stuff rather than the bad so much. A nice holiday somewhere sunny wouldn’t go a miss either! Ooh and dance lessons. I’d really like to take some dance lessons this year…..sorry getting off point now! And on a grand scale of course I also agree with Miss America and hope for world peace…………………………………………………………………………….. oops – sorry my finger froze. Must have gone into a Trump trance. Well, as I said, one can dream.

So, to the resolution. I decided that for this year I really only want one thing. For myself and most importantly for my children. All I really want to try and do is ‘slow down’. I just want to slow down.

Every morning I hear myself shouting ‘hurry up LJ. Come on M. We’re late’ Ok, sure. It is important that we are on time but it is also important to take the time to get ready properly. We start every day with stress. And for no real reason. We are still one of the first families at Kindergarten in the morning. My husband one of the first into the office. I am one of the earliest shoppers and probably, to my neighbours annoyance, one of the first to get the hoover out. So why can’t we just slow down a little bit……

Everywhere we go I feel like I am rushing. In museums we rush from one exhibit to the other. When I pick LJ up I am always trying to get him to hurry up so we can get home. I hear myself say the words “come on!” about a hundred times a day. We seem to have to be on lightning speed all the time. Always in a hurry to get out the door. To get home. To get dinner. To get in the bath. To get to bed. And then we wake up and it all starts again!

I don’t want to do that anymore. I want my children to be able to enjoy their days. Take the time to really see things and appreciate them. To be able to eat their meals or enjoy their baths without being rushed into the next activity. I want to let them learn in their own time. I want to not feel impatient because they are being ‘too slow’.

I want to let my children lead.

And with that in mind I need to ‘slow down’. I need to go at their pace. After all, they only have little legs!

Sometimes what is slow to us is lightning speed to them and I need to stop and remember that they won’t be little for much longer. Soon their legs will outgrow mine and I will be the one playing catch up.

My Grandparents turned 90 this Winter. 90 years seems so long, yet somehow it has just gone in the blink of an eye. And it just really made me stop and think.

It feels like we have forever and so much time on our hands that we rush through our days believing that we can do everything tomorrow. But at some point there won’t be a tomorrow.

I have been lucky enough to have every one of my Grandparents in my life for every major event so far.

For the last 35 years they have been there for me in one way or another – physically, emotionally, financially. They have shared in every life event that has happened to me – my birth, my Christening, my first tooth, my first steps, when I had the main role in the school play, my dance shows, my graduation, my wedding and so far for every moment of my children’s lives too.

I took it for granted they would always be there.

Then on Boxing Day my Grandad left our house because he couldn’t breathe properly and that night was admitted to hospital with a chest infection (as well as underlying conditions). I was too busy helping my Nanny get her coat on to even kiss him goodbye. I could only wave as they drove away. On his 90th birthday we flew back to Austria with the knowledge that Boxing Day 2016 may be the last time we will ever see him. My Grandad. My hero.

He’s still with us but remains in hospital and things will never be the same again. Suddenly I feel like I rushed through every moment of my time with my Grandad and whilst I know we had amazing times together I worry that I missed things because I was always in a rush to get to ‘the next thing on my list’. Always believing there would be another day, another tomorrow, for the things I didn’t do or say.

The point is time goes too quickly as it is and I don’t want to rush my kids through the best bits anymore. So we are going to slow down this year. I am sure there will be days I still say ‘hurry up’ and ‘come on’ (probably more than I would like) but I am determined to live in the here and now as much as possible. Taking each day as it comes and enjoying each moment so I can help my children make memories they will cherish forever.

I don’t know if I will get to give my Grandad that last goodbye kiss but I will hold onto the memories of the thousands of other goodbye kisses we have had and be grateful for every moment we have shared in between.

I can’t control the past or the future (or the lack of sleep we get it seems!) but I can control the present and make sure my children get the opportunity to experience everything they can. In their own way and in their own time. As painful as not sleeping is, I need to try not to focus on getting to an age where he will sleep as quickly as possible because ultimately I am just wishing his life away. And it’s time to stop. (Well, try to anyway!)

So Happy New Year! I hope your intentions stay good. I pray that your hopes and wishes come true and that you manage to stay true to your resolutions. Who knows what 2017 will bring but I’m going to take it slowly. As the fable goes, it is the tortoise that wins in the end.

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“The Sum of All Fears”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

I am very aware I have been quiet for a while. It is not because I haven’t had anything to say. Quite the opposite in fact – I have had too much. Words and thoughts, too many thoughts, have been swimming around my head since the referendum result (of which I am still in shock over!) and to be honest I was too scared to write what I really felt. After all this is supposed to be a tired Mama’s blog, certainly nothing politically based.

Having a child that wakes constantly though meant I saw the result coming at 1am and pretty much done by 4am.  Yes, I am blaming the baby on my peaking Political interests! By 7am when I dared to post on Facebook I was reeling and I have been through so many emotions since the final result was made official, which as you know for me was not the one I wanted, that it is hard to know where I finally settled. Shock, sadness, anger, fear, embarrassment and just a general feeling of uncertainty which I guess is the only one that can really play true right now. In the end the result, for good or bad, for right or wrong, has been made and as David Cameron said in his resignation speech ‘it must be respected’. But in truth it’s taken me until now to really be able to say those words and I believe I will continue to feel more proud of being part of the 63% Merton voters that chose ‘Remain’ than I will ever feel about being part of the 48% that may, in time, be proved wrong.

So instead of voicing my true opinions, I have moaned and groaned to my husband, had a little cry, worried about the future for myself and my family and friends (especially those living abroad or those that are from the EU living in the UK) and grieved for my loved ones who may never get to experience the great joy and love that I have thanks to the freedom of movement act and I have tried, for once, to concentrate on the here and now and just enjoy my beautiful children who, thankfully, get to have the best of both worlds – remain European through my Austrian husband whilst still being a proud Englander in a new, bolder Britain (she said hopefully!).

So, yes, the result has affected me but 3 paragraphs is enough on that and quite frankly after everything else that has happened since, 3 paragraphs is probably too much.

After the terrible shootings last November, I am so grateful that France survived the European Championships and never have I been so happy of a Brit win than the moment Andy Murray, so deservedly, lifted that second Wimbledon trophy. Despite the utter crapness of Portugal, possibly one of the worst teams in the whole competition, winning the Euros there was a feeling of unity, happiness, triumph and hope once more. An excitement that only sport can create and one that should never be belittled because whilst it is ‘just a game’ it brings people together and gives them something good to believe in. Something that has nothing to do with race or religion – whatever certain thugs would have us believe.

Little did I know that this was the calm before the storm and that soon after the bombs, shootings and military coups would follow.

And then, as we woke up to celebrate my husband’s 35th birthday, the most awful news of all: a mad man ploughing down 84 people as they enjoyed the Bastille Day celebrations in the beautiful city of Nice, somewhere I have visited many times. Another sickening reminder that life will never be the same again.

So, yes, I have been quiet recently because quite frankly trying to write blogs about my annoying children doesn’t seem quite right when all I want to do is hold them close to me and never let them go again. Moaning about how many times Little M woke me up last night pales into insignificance when the number 10 flashes before your eyes because that’s how many children lost their lives in Nice.

I have a computer full of unfinished stories. Silly stories, about how my children exhaust me, annoy me and sometimes down right disgust me but right now I am only grateful that they are still with me to do all those things. I moan and groan and write silly things at their expense but the truth is they inspire me every day. They are my whole world and I would be lost without them. My babies make me whole and without them I simply wouldn’t be me. I am a Mama and always will be and how you cope being a Mother without a child I just don’t know. How you cope being the Mother of a child that deliberately drives a lorry into innocent people with the intention of killing them I can not even begin to fathom.

Waking up to the horrendous news of the tragedy in Nice has made me ache. 84 dead – including 10 children. For what? For kicks? For thrills? To make some bold statement? It is just disgusting, insane behaviour of sick, vile, murderers hiding behind masks and labels and pretending they are doing this for some greater good. But the real culprits are too cowardly to do it themselves so they take easily manipulated individuals. They cast their spell, brainwash these people and they attack. Innocent people. Always innocent people. What had any of those normal, happy families ever done to deserve that?

The teacher on a trip with her pupils? Brodie, the 11 year old boy and his Dad Sean, from Texas traveling Europe on his Summer break? The 12 year old son of a Nice referee who’s twin sister still lies in a coma? The 4 year old and his Mum? Yannis, the 4 year old who loved the beach? Christophe Lion, who has to live with the fact he is the only one of a family of 7 to survive? The 27 year old man who pushed his 7 month pregnant wife out of the way?

What did any of them do????

I can not imagine the pain these families are going through. Selfishly I hope I never have to. But the truth is this isn’t some game or tv show. This isn’t 24 or Spooks or some big Hollywood movie, these are real people and this is real life. This is really happening and it is terrifying.

I want my children to experience the excitement and joy of travel that I did. I want them to be able to go out into the world and meet new people. To fall in love, embark on adventures and try everything they can. But I also want them to come safely home again and honestly, right now, I am scared to let them go. I wonder what my Mum would have said or done if the world was in this state the day I came home and said ‘I got the job. I am leaving on a cruise ship in 4 weeks’.

I was in Syria nearly every weekend for 7 months. I have docked in Nice and Istanbul. We walked past destroyed buildings on our way to Hard Rock Cafe in Lebanon, Beirut where the toilet door had a sign that said ‘No nuclear weapons’ and where McDonalds next door had armed guards. I never felt a flicker of fear the whole time I was there but the thought of sending my child out into this world alone now terrifies me.

And now, literally as I write this there is breaking news of shootings in Munich. Atleast 7 dead and more injured in some awful revenge scheme in retaliation to the ‘shit foreigners’ it is reported. It feels like a world war is beginning. I guess it did a long while ago. When our supposedly knowledgable leaders invited themselves into a war that should never have belonged to them.

But whatever label you want to put on it – terrorism, xenophobia, murder – unarmed, unknowing people are innocent people wherever they come from and suddenly it seems no-one and nowhere is safe anymore.

No, we can’t not go on holiday to Turkey or not take our kids to Disneyland Paris or not watch a match at Wembley because of these monsters. We can not live our lives in fear but we wouldn’t be human if it didn’t make us stop and question our plans and actions, atleast a little. Especially as a parent.

In time, life will go on as normal for us. After Nice and before these recent attacks we were allready back to posting about our happy days on Facebook, laughing at people chasing Pokemons down the street, looking forward to the Olympics gearing up in Rio. Already newspapers, with this hideous story of Nice and the military uprisings in Turkey that are threatening to destroy the tourist industry in what is actually a peaceful and beautiful part of the world and for the most part no where near where these issues are occurring, are being used for fish and chips and wrapping up valuables for people moving.

Once these madmen in Munich are caught or more likely killed most of us will move on from this ‘story’ too.

In time, we will just remember 14/7/16 as one of those awful moments in history like 9/11 and 7/7 and we will pause and have a minute or 2 of silence.

But for the families affected by all of these things life has been changed forever. In time, things may move on, may even get better but they will never be the same again. A part of them will be forever missing.

And our world has also changed forever. Terrorism is no longer just part of those tv shows I mentioned. It is a reality.

And because that could just as easily have been us celebrating in Nice or shopping and eating a McDonalds in Munich I for one am finding it harder and harder to just move on.

I will forgive, because we can not give into the hate they so badly crave. I will hope, because above all else this is something they can never take from us. But I will never forget and I will never let them win.

So please. Enjoy your Facebook statuses. Share in my moans and groans and sympathise with me when I tell you I am still not sleeping. Chase your Pokemons. Laugh at silly You Tube videos. Post crazy Snap Chat photos. Eat. Pray (if you want to). Love. Live your life to the fullest. But whatever you do never take anything for granted. Never forget. Never give up. And never blame the majority for the sickening actions of a minority. #EveryLifeMatters

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

 

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“Terrorism must be outlawed by all civilized nations — not explained or rationalized, but fought and eradicated. Nothing can, nothing will justify the murder of innocent people and helpless children.”

ELIE WIESEL, Nobel Lecture, December 11, 1986

 

References:

Reported information and statistics www.theguardian.com

Current Munich news as reported live on Austrian tv channel ORF 1

“24”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

in or out

What a week of whinging and whining it has been and not just from my teething 1 year old! I spent the last 2 weekends working in the UK and the madness that has grown from one week to the next in regard of the referendum (taking place as we speak!) has been horrendous.

For me, having already cast my overseas vote by post 2 weeks ago, I could breathe a sigh of relief (sort of) and step back to watch the battle from the sidelines but for those that had not yet decided I can only imagine the confusion being dredged up.

The absolute bitterness that has been evoked in some people is shocking and regardless of the outcome tomorrow morning I think Britain has a lot of rethinking to do – whether independently or as part of the EU.

The lies that have been broadcast in relation to “Brexit” are actually ridiculous and the worst part is that people believe them. It worries me that some people are so uninformed and take certain statements as gospel, without further investigation. Not only that but these same people are making noise about something they do not even have the facts over. Trusting tweets and Facebook statements or a single headline in The Express without reading the full story or looking into other accounts to me is unfathomable and yet these people are going to vote today (well, if they actually had the sense to register and put actions to their words) and help change our country forever.

I think most shocking of all has been the way the sickening death of MP Jo Cox has been used, ironically by both sides of the fence, to gain support or knock down others. Whilst she was an avid fighter for the Remain group she was much more than that and though she would perhaps be happy if her death led to others researching her work and voting the same, or opposite, because they have been rightly convinced either way, I don’t believe someone that felt as strongly about politics as she did would want people to vote her way ‘just for the sake of it’.

More importantly though she was a Mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter and in her final moments I imagine she saw only the faces of her beautiful children and her husband with whom she shared them. When this madman chose to take away this beautiful person (inside and out from all accounts) I very much doubt her mind was on the upcoming referendum and I think it is an additional tragedy that her final memory was used in such a way.

Yes, it is a scary time. One of unease and uncertainty. Even if we get the result we want no-one really knows for sure what the future holds and we will never know which was the better option because, for right or wrong, the result tomorrow is definitive and can only go one way. There is no going back. We have to move forward. I just hope however we do it we can do it together. I hope this obvious split between us does not fester and cause more hate and fear because we all know who’s hands we are feeding into then and that is a slippery slope. We already live in a world where terrorists are a reality and not just the thrilling storyline on ’24’. We can not give them any ammunition. Whatever the outcome we have to stand together for a Better Britain, a more peaceful world and be strong.

I am by no means a political expert. I read arguments from both sides, researched statistics, considered the opinions of those I know who are more worldly and intelligent than myself and eventually voted based on my own personal experiences and gut instinct.

It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to hear I voted to REMAIN. I enjoy the simplicity the EU allows when it comes to living and working between my home country and that of my husband. My children are half English, half Austrian and I am happy they can enjoy growing up in a world where their 2 homes are all part of a greater union. I am still proud to be British and I don’t believe this needs to change because we are not ‘completely independent’. In this world of uncertainty I think it is important to have friends. I am not going to go into more details. I certainly don’t want to bias anyone or inflict my opinion on you. This referendum is about everyone in the UK speaking up for themselves and what they believe in. I only hope, whatever you vote, you back your belief up with information from a variety of sources and not just what you have had thrown in your face on social media.

For me it is important to remember migration works both ways so I have voted, not so much for me, but for my children. I want them to grow up in a world where they are free to make their own choices, where travelling around Europe and learning about other cultures is easily accessible. I want my children to be able to fall in love with whoever they choose and to do so without prejudice. I want my children to embrace their neighbours and to be the kind of people that, wherever they go, they will work hard and contribute to the society that has homed them.

I actually have yet to meet a single person who wants to leave, including strangers I have talked to on the plane or in a cafe, but remain or leave I believe there are many people who still share the hardworking values that actually made Britain great in the first place.

A lot of those people are from the EU. Hardworking, lovely people who have done more to contribute to our society than many who were lucky enough to be born in the UK.

I believe in educating my children to be proud of where they come from without taking anything for granted and being accepting and tolerant of others – wherever they come from. I believe in fighting for my country and not blaming others for our supposed downfall.

In less than 24 hours time we will have an answer but IN or OUT my values will not change. I hope for others they do.

 

Sweet Dreams

Mama Atzi x

“Auf Wiedersehen, Pet”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

IMG_3966

So this is a slightly different post to what I had planned for this week but I felt inspired by recent events. A little less baby this time and possibly a little bit philosophical so apologies in advance for that:

One of my favourite musicals of all time is Wicked (In the German version I believe it is called Die Hexen von Oz). If you haven’t seen it, you should, but not to ruin anything it is basically the untold story of the Witches of Oz (before Dorothy dropped in) and how the Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda the Good came to bare those titles. Ultimately though it is a tale of friendship and that good old lesson of never to judge a book by it’s cover.

The reason I mention it is because, thanks to the life I have led so far, the words of one of the songs always resonate with me: “It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, So, let me say before we part; So much of me is made of what I learned from you. You’ll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend”

– lyrics by Stephen Schwartz (www.wickedthemusical.co.uk)

In essence it is a song about saying goodbye but what I love is that it truly sums up what their friendship meant and how they will remember it.

As someone that spent their dance career working contract to contract I’m used to the feeling of living on borrowed time. Meeting people from all over the world (some of whom became very good friends) I am used to goodbyes. It is never easy but some are harder than others.

Ship life is a crazy world. Something of a parallel universe. It is so intense that a week is like a year. You eat, sleep, drink and breathe with your cabin mates and it is a world where, as a dancer, you can spend a morning rehearsing, an afternoon on shore, an evening of performing and a whole night of drinking with your “work mates” before meeting each other for breakfast the next day when you will have no qualms about doing it all again and every other day for your entire 9 month contract. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, you get to know these people very well and pretty much everyone else onboard too – well the ones that visit the crew bar anyway! You might not like everyone and there is bound to be some you would never be friends with in ‘real-life’ who you may never actually speak to again afterwards but you will still remember them and they will always remain a part of your life because you shared a time with them that others in your life just can’t relate to.

Sometimes we meet people that we really connect with, who we love even. So as I say, saying goodbye is never easy. But that is the life. And the pain of one goodbye won’t put us off signing straight back up for another contract.

Thanks to Facebook, staying in touch and reconnecting with those we met on our travels has never been so easy but it can also be heartbreaking when you search for that person that left the ‘handprint on your heart’ and you can’t find them. It’s a bitter sweet world. Full of romance and adventure. Culture, excitement, parties, hard-work. All within a world that no-one can understand until they have lived it.

And thanks to falling in love with one of those people I connected with I am now living the life of an expat which has also led me to a situation where friendships, in the physical sense atleast, have uncertain expiration dates. I am so lucky to have connected with a fantastic group of ladies and babies thanks to the Vienna Babies Club (www.viennababiesclub.com) but as is normal in the expat world, just like onboard, contracts end, people move on, and once again it’s sad to say goodbye. As we discovered recently.

What both these scenarios have in common is that we meet people during these journeys that will stay with us. Some people that effect us more than we even realise at the time. I often find myself smiling because I remember someone or something that happened on a contract. Every time I hear a Spanish person I think of my conversation with a lovely bar guy called Juan from my first contract. We had the same conversation every night in the crew bar: Como estas? Bien. Y tu? Yo soy cansada. Cansada? Siempre (apologies for the bad Spanish!)

Every time I see a Hard Rock Cafe I think of my Atalante girls.

Every time I see a white dress I remember the Pas de Deux I performed with my dance partner Steve.

Certain songs remind me of shows, crew parties or karaoke in the crew bar. When I first moved to Austria and had to order a cola light instead of a diet coke it reminded me of the time we tried to order a coke in some strange little bar and no matter how we said it we could not get the waiter to understand until our friend came along with his accented English and the guy understood immediately. Every time I order a cola light it makes me smile. And I’m pretty sure I put on a fake accent when I order one just in case!

I have so many wonderful memories of that time all triggered by a photo or a song or a saying or a smell….

I don’t speak to my school, uni or ship friends half as much as I would like, let alone see them, but they are always there. As are the people I grew up with and those I have worked with over the years. Even the strangers I have sat and talked to on trains and aeroplanes. People that helped carry my suitcase, or didn’t as the case may be, past pupils and parents, they have all helped shape who I am in some way.

Everyday a memory comes up and everyday I am shaped into a different person because of what I remember and took from those experiences. How different I would be if I had not met them. If I had not enjoyed ship life so much I never would have ended up on the M/S Astor and never would have met my future husband and the father of my children. So it is sad that I may never see some of those friends again but I am thankful to them for rewriting my story.

And now my experiences have led me here. Living in Vienna, Austria with my husband and 2 children. I miss my former lives a lot but I am so grateful to be sharing my adventures of Motherhood with these other fabulous expats. Some I hope will be here for the long term but others who are already leaving us for the next part of their story. It has been such a pleasure to share the experiences of the first 10 months of our babies lives with each other. All of us have different experiences yet somehow we all have the same. It is very special bond and nice to know I am not alone, not only in Motherhood but in this country that is not my own and not yet quite my home.

I am so sad to already have to say goodbye to some of these people that have helped me so much as I adapt to life as an expat Mama. I know we will still have stories to share in our Facebook group and it’s so good to know we have that space to write feely and be there for each other because having other people go through exactly what you are is the best support system there is. Especially when your baby doesn’t sleep!

I feel so grateful for these ladies and babies and find myself wondering how different my expat life would be, how different a Mother I would be, had I never joined them or had my baby been born a month later. I am a little bit of a believer in everything happens for a reason and so whilst the most recent and most sudden goodbye may not seem to have one yet I hope one day it will.

In the meantime we have to learn to enjoy what we have and appreciate the time we have shared.

As I put my boys to bed this evening I watched each of them sleep for a bit and as always I was overwhelmed by how much I love them and how quickly the time with them has gone. But I could see every past moment in their faces and felt grateful for everything we have shared so far. Life really is short, too short, just like those contracts. It is all over so quickly and before we know it we are saying the hardest goodbyes of all. It’s not always easy to follow a ‘live everyday day like it’s your last’ attitude but I do believe we should learn to take the time to appreciate each moment in life, no matter how insignificant it seems at the time, because as Kurt Vonnegut aptly said “Enjoy the little things in life because one day you’ll look back and realise they were the big things”.

People need to understand that for good or bad their actions have consequences and moments can stay with people for a lifetime. Just as we need to endure our babies falling so we can help teach them how to get up we too have to suffer the downs to benefit from the highs. At the end of it all every moment counts and every person you meet will effect you. So let the bad things make you stronger and learn to soak up the good stuff because in the end “the best things in life are the people we meet, the places we go and the memories we make along the way” (Author unknown). We can’t stop the world from moving and goodbyes are inevitable but the in between is up to us.

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x