“Rollercoaster”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

 

Once again it has been a while. I know by now there is probably no point apologising but I’m British – it’s what we do – so sorry (again) for my tardiness/laziness/forgetfulness!

Despite my ravings of Marie Kondo and Sarah Knight it seems I have not fully “got my s@&t together” in order to focus on the things that ‘spark joy’ (e.g writing to you lovely people and in particular my 4 faithful subscribers! ;0)

I have actually written something since last posting but as is with life in general, things got in the way, and well Winter turned to Spring and suddenly we are in the middle of the Summer holidays (and actually since then we have fought our way through Autumn and back to Winter! 🙈 ) and I still haven’t actually got around to finishing it. Story of a Mother’s life hey?! Cold coffee anyone….?

So this post was going to be something of a mid-year diary excerpt – catching you up on all (or atleast most) of what has been going on in the world of this exhausted Mama – but now it’s kind of half a catch up and a bit extra lumped on the end to get you up to date!! 

As Ronan Keating once crooned, “Life is a rollercoaster, just got to ride it” and when it comes to my kids (all kids…?!) that is definitely true so hold on tight……

–

I think one of the most talked about (aka moaned) “periods” of parenthood is the lack of sleep. People seem to think once they have conquered the holy grail of sleeping through the night that somehow everything else will be like rainbows and unicorns. Well, I’m here to tell you that that theory is a bit like believing having a baby will be the key to improving a failing marriage. 

Adding a baby into the already crumbling mix will of course add a whole lot more love and a common cause but it’s also adding a whole load more of stress and pressure and LACK OF SLEEP which is the quickest way to piss off even the most stable couples. 

Basically no matter what you conquer there is always something waiting in the wings to test you and nowhere is this truer than with children….

So, I think we are sleeping but …..

Little M has been decidedly better with sleeping. The stopping of Kiga naps and longer days have him snoring soundly fairly quickly (lucky Papa who always seems to be the chosen parent on sleep duty!)** To be honest though, despite looking forward to this moment for so long, I was too exhausted to even offer a high 5 and barely noticed it happen because, as is life, there is always a new challenge just waiting to take it’s place……

**Since writing this has drastically changed – Mama is now the “chosen one” and although he is still sleeping mostly through the night he is a nightmare going to bed! We lie there awake over an hour sometimes, we require 2 stories, it has to be in his bed, it can’t be too light or too dark and often he needs foot rubs. 

Yep – this one’s high maintenance what can I say?! 

Illness:

As of first writing; it’s that horrible season where there seems to be colds, chicken pox, flu and tummy bugs galore. 

We are a pretty strong family when it comes to illness and even if we do get sick we usually manage to deal with it quickly and effectively with no need of a doctor visit but even LJ, who is never ill, was knocked out in February with a weird bug (during half term holiday I might add though – ever the courteous child!) so I knew it didn’t bode well. 

And Little M has had an on and off cough for the last 3 months now. It literally feels never-ending. He finally slept through the night dulling us into a 2 night sense of security only to be destroyed by a hacking cough that now seems to only appear at night – usually 10 minutes into us trying to relax. 

We are at the point now the cough is annoying the life out of all involved ….. bring on the Summer please!!**

**UPDATE: Well, it is (was!) now the Summer. The cough has (for the most part subsided) but was still so ongoing and coupled with becoming quickly tired and possible allergic reactions that we are now on inhalers and keeping an eye to see whether in fact we are dealing with asthma. Like I said, knock down one obstacle only to find 2 more waiting behind. 

Injuries:

We had our first scary accident at the beginning of this year (last year now!) too. In his excitement at winning Uno LJ jumped up and knocked a boiling hot cup of coffee over his arm. Thank God for best friends who I had used as my excuse to get him to wear a smart long sleeve polo shirt or the resulting burn would have been a lot worse. I will also use this incident to highly recommend attending a first aid course and feel very grateful to Maria at the Ottakring Samiriterbund because with that knowledge and us all staying calm and treating it straight away we really managed to limit the damage and thankfully the trip to the hospital was very short and sweet. A cooling dressing had him sleeping soundly as always and he had no pain medication. My tough boy! A re-dressed bandage the following day and check up 3 days later showed it was healing well and everyone was happy. 

But uuurrgghhhh – that moment when your child is hurt  – horrendous! A sudden reminder that no matter how much they annoy you or keep you awake at night, it only takes a split second for them to be hurt, or worse, to remind you they are your world, and in that moment all that matters is that they are ok. Plus as Mum you are expected to keep cool and show your child that “everything is going to be alright” – even if you don’t know if that’s true. No wonder we carry around that constant worry! 

Homework:

Oh, the woes of school and homework….. I remember in my final week of Uni, as I slowly and steadily completed my final exams, essays and of course had that 10,000 word dissertation bound, that there was a happy air of relief lifted from my shoulders knowing I would never have to write a paper or sit an exam again (unless I consciously decided to). It was a real life-affirming moment. I didn’t counter into this moment that one day I might have a child who speaks a different language from me and the daily battles we would have to just sit down and look at the work! 

As someone that loves reading, and always did, I didn’t bargain on how hard my child would find this and how this would test my patience beyond anything I knew. Thankfully this frustration phase was much shorter than the non-sleeping phase was but in it’s own way it was just as exhausting. 

During the Summer homework was not compulsory but it is recommended and both the teacher’s pet and good mother in me had LJ doing (a little) bit of work every day. It was a fun battle as you can imagine – Deutsch and Maths workbooks don’t quite compare to sunshine, swimming, trampolines, ice-cream and tv – but the exhausted Mama in me is now mature enough to know that the daily battles now are better than the ultimate war we would have going into the second year of school having done nothing. It’s the slow turtle that wins the race in the end and all that……

**UPDATE: We are now into said 2nd year of school and after week 2 I am already dead so what this would have been like having done no work or prep I literally dread to think….Lesson learnt! Whatever preparation you think is enough next Summer – double it! 

YouTube et al:

We live in a world of streaming now. People and especially children don’t watch “live tv” anymore. You don’t have to set a reminder or recorder each Monday at 8pm to ensure you don’t miss your favourite tv programme. You watch it on catch-up. With Netflix and Amazon Prime you can binge watch your favourite box set in a night. Fancy seeing a film? You can buy or rent it direct from your tv and be sat munching your microwave popcorn within minutes. 

You can pretty much have what you want, when you want it, with a touch of a button and it’s great…until your kids realise that they too can watch or play what they want at the click of a button.

Parent blogs and, well, parents in general talk about “screen time” and it all sounds wonderfully grown up and regulated but in reality – with my kids anyway- it just doesn’t happen! 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I let my kids play on my phone or watch YouTube all day long (well, most days anyway…) all I’m saying is it’s harder to ‘regulate’ sometimes than I would like. And I fully admit that’s probably my fault because giving in for the quiet life is of course easier, albeit lazier, than sucking it up and being the “responsible parent” who simply says no. 

The hardest thing for us is the age gap between our children. LJ is at that video game age. For his 8th birthday he got a Nintendo Switch (like most of his friends already have) and he’s exploring his new found fine motor skills in the imaginative world that MARIO and friends have to offer and he’s full on engrossed in catching Pokémon. Of course, as a result of this, so is Little M who is in awe of his big brother and follows wherever he (unwittingly most of the time) leads. For the most part, it’s ok, but on the other side whilst I have encouraged LJ to play games that help his concentration and problem solving skills (my justification atleast!) I am not overly keen on my 4 year old watching bleary eyed over his shoulder. 

Hearing your youngest child – who let’s face it will always be your baby – cry for YouTube and MaWio (because he can’t pronounce his R’s properly) and by MARIO I mean watching supposed grown ups play whilst talking about playing said Mario game (apparently there’s some kind of living to be made from this – one that no doubt pays waaaay more than mine!) is not easy. 

As the Summer ends we have put stronger rules on this and “gameplay” watching is fully over (and will be furthermore so) but it’s like that red button you know you shouldn’t press when those pretty apps are just there on the home screen asking to be clicked on….. We will be tough this school year!!! 

The only silver lining – no Fortnite yet! Or atleast we managed to bypass the cousins enjoyment of this fairly quickly after visiting them on our Summer hols anyway! The Floss dance move is enough FN for me to deal with right now thank you very much!! 

**UPDATE: We have stayed very strong on the “screen time” especially before bed and YouTube barely gets a look in these days at all and life is definitely better for it. Super Nanny and the “simple life” rules really do work! 

SO WHERE ARE WE NOW…. 

Well, we seem to have blasted through the Summer of 2019. A weird time for me as it was laced with grief from having lost my Nanny in June.  

But we also had a great time in the UK this year visiting the Lake District and going back to my childhood by staying in a holiday park caravan! We ended the hols with a trip up North to see my family – something I am determined to do more of since Grandad died at the beginning of the year and as sad as it was the chance to reconnect with all my cousins at his funeral was really special and reminded me just how important family connections are. 

We had what was truly one of the most beautiful English Summer days in the world on the Cat and Dog beach where we played and swam and read and drank tea and ate chips and ice cream literally from sun up to sun down. Watching my kids play so happily the entire day with a couple of spades, a bucket and stones was just magical and I shed a few tears watching them and remembering those Summer days shared with my brothers and cousins as we holidayed with my Grandparents when we were young. It was one of those moments you wish you could bottle up. It was a perfect family day and proof that children do not need technology to have fun! They had nothing more than children hundreds of years ago would have had and I have never seen them so content and happy! 

Back to the real world and as you can imagine the school and work stresses piled up as ever! To be honest Autumn is an exhaustive blur. Apart from the Glühwein I barely remember what happened between school start and school finish but I know by Christmas I was so ready for a break and so were the boys!! 

It was Austrian Christmas this year which usually means far too many presents since our boys are lucky enough to be visited by Christ Kind and Santa and in all honesty the practically life-sized Godzilla under the tree felt a little much but the boys were happy and for the most part very well behaved. 

I can’t believe I am saying this but my favourite present this year was the cordless hoover we bought with our Christmas money. It’s literally a life saver! Letting us zap round the flat so easily that the place no longer feels like a bull was set free in a jumble sale (I almost forgot the English for that since I am now so used to Austrian Flea Markets!) It is amazing what a difference it makes to one’s mood to have a tidy flat! See Marie Kondo I am feeling the joy!! 

So, on to 2020…. New Year was great this year with my parents and brother coming to visit. The fireworks we normally enjoy watching from our balcony were a bit scarcer than usual – not sure if the “environmental” warnings or the wind put people off but either way it was not quite up to its usual par. Still, our Winter fridge was very much empty by the end of the holidays so we managed to still keep our festive cheer up and toast in the New Year in style. 

Having decided I rely far too much on a glass of wine to relax in the evening and having eaten waaaay too much over the festive period I have decided to take on the dry January challenge this year and am also intent on getting something of a 6 pack back (to be honest a 2 pack would do!) and to be completely frank just to feel a bit more energetic and fit would be nice! 

Age really does catch up with you! I feel like when I hit 38 some switch off that just turned me slower and slower! Everything is more of an effort these days. Our children are finally sleeping but the problem is now I feel so old and tired myself half the time I just go to sleep straight after they do! #Can’tWin 

I have also been really down on things the past year – longer actually. I think that’s been clear from the lags in these posts too and from reading back I can see where things changed. When my Grandad died. Grief really is a horrendous thing. I talked about acceptance in my Sleepless in Schwechat post and a couple since then and for me that’s truly the hardest stage. But as I have learnt from the sleeping scenario it is also the only one that allows you to properly move on. Or better yet to coin the phrase of author Nora McInerny^ to move forward. 

With that strongly in mind, this year’s New Year Resolution is to try and think forwards more than backwards. To be more positive and as a result I hope also happier. To try to stop worrying about the things I can’t control (or atleast not let them get me down so much) and instead enjoy the ones I can and better yet the ones I can create for me and my family. 

Because it feels like the blink of an eye between me and my brothers playing on that beach and watching my own little boys playing there. It’s a cliche but time really does go so fast and it would be real waste not to enjoy it! 

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x 

ps We are on to day 3 of Mama’s no alcohol, get fit and energised mission and I can honestly say I have not felt this tired since Little M’s worst not sleeping nights…. the only way is up right?!!! 

 

 

^Nora McInerny –  Blogger of “My Husband’s Tumor” and author of “It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying is Cool Too)”, “No Happy Endings” and “Hot Young Widows Club”. She is also the host of a podcast called “Terrible, Thanks for Asking”.

If, like me, you have struggled with grief this woman knows all about it. www.noramcinerny.com

“About Time”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

So I think we have established that if there was a prize for taking THE longest time between publishing posts I would be top blogger by far! Luckily, I write this blog for my own release – and attempt to remain sane during the particularly exhausting parts of Motherhood – and in the hopes it makes a few parents in similar situations feel a little better and not as a career. And let’s face it life would be even more exhausting if I was relying on my blogging skills to keep my family alive since we clearly would not be able to afford food, electricity or, more importantly these days, Red Bull!

Still, as we are 4 years in to the #Brexit debacle and STILL no sign of a deal I hope you will forgive me for taking my time too – and I promise that is the last time I will mention the B word! (In this post atleast!)

Quite a lot has happened since my last post and at this point I must say that, honestly, most of 2018 is somewhat of a blur! I can definitely tell you, I became a proud Auntie, twice! Both girls! A role I must say I love. Mostly because you get to enjoy the cuddles and the cute bits whilst handing them back at the point of crying, pooey nappies or general grumpiness! But also because I finally get to buy girly clothes and toys!

I also know that the year ended in one of the best UK Christmasses we have had but all things that go up must come down and sadly 2019 started off the same as 2017 as we lost my Grandad in January. 

Although I prepared myself this time round and could put a name to that foggy haze of grief when it hit, I have been filled, as last time, with those awful feelings of guilt and regret, wishing I could have, and knowing I should have, spent more time and effort visiting him.

It doesn’t matter that the costs of travelling regularly from Vienna to the North East of England are rather beyond me or that I have been working and setting up a business as well as raising 2 children, one of whom is now at school and therefore not so easy to just fly over to the UK regularly, those feelings of regret will always be there.

I can’t change the past though – as much as I would like to – but I can make sure to spend more time doing the things that give me “joy” (to coin Marie Kondo’s term^) and less time worrying about the other things which, I hope, will ultimately help to get rid of those feelings of regret and guilt. I think when it comes to the people you love there will never be ‘enough’ time anyway so all you can really do is try to spend the time you do have in the best way you can. Quality over quantity so to speak. In a nutshell, time goes quick (as we have seen) so make the most of it! 

So on to the matter at hand, i.e. being an exhausted Mama….

Since last writing I have a 3 year old!!! (Actually by now he’s nearly 4!) I know – where did that year go right?! I told you time moves fast! 

Not only that; we are out of nappies (by day) – wooh hooh! We have amazingly slept through the night more than once – wooh hooh! And we are actually somewhat conversing – wooh hooh! (Although he still prefers speaking in German. Both amusing – when he’s talking to my Mum who doesn’t understand a word – and annoying – when he’s talking to my Mum at 7am in the morning and I have to shout to translate!!) 

Despite all of that we are still absolutely 100% exhausted!!! Because turns out that unlike LJ who really became an angel once he hit 3, Little M takes the terrible 3’s (or are we now technically into what I am calling the FFS 4’s?!) to a whole new level. 

If it wasn’t such a serious status these days one might even refer to him as a miniature terrorist. His favourite word is ‘Nein’ usually said with the most evil of faces you will ever see on a cherub like 3 year old. If we go left he goes right. He would happily go to Kiga in his Pyjamas everyday. He’s the child that sees the Naughty Step as a fun place to be and pretty much would live off Kinder Eggs and carbohydrates if you let him! He idolises his brother and wakes up every morning either on a rampage to find LJ or in absolute tears because he has already gone to school. 

Despite being a ‘the sun is up so I have to be up’ kind of person he is the grumpiest of kids in the morning ever. Now we all know I am no morning person but surely if you believe the sun is your cue to get up you should have some kind of sunny disposition to go with that…?! Kids and logic never did go well together though did they?

We have also seen 7 year old tears and tantrums as the reality of homework sets in and the trauma of learning to read has been something I did not ever expect (or know how to deal with!) – being someone that loved school and could always read beyond my years from an early age. Still, I can also sleep through anything (earthquakes, hurricanes, children screaming for more milk, toddlers jumping on your head….) and like to eat everything so I guess not sharing my educational feelings should not come as a major surprise either!

A few lessons from Super Nanny* did get us into a relatively calm period for a while. The cutting down on tv, chocolate, use of Mama’s phone and finding fun ways to do additional reading work has proved, as is often the case, that the simple answers are usually the best ones. 

And sleep wise things have also been looking up…

I don’t know whether it’s just been my new outlook on life and dedication to Sarah Knight’s^^ method of “getting my shit together” and “not giving a f*&k” about the things I don’t want to, i.e. getting up in the middle of the night for anything other than illness, bad dreams or potential kidnapping, that has led me to believe Little M has been generally sleeping better or whether he really has been but either way, for the most part, I do feel a little like things on the sleep front have improved. 

Which is good, because I am soooo over the not sleeping thing! It was bad enough that I was promised with baby 1 that he would sleep once he started eating solids then, failing that, he would sleep when he hit 6 months old….then when he walks……when he starts Kindergarten……when he hits 2……. blah blah blah. If you’re taking the time to read this then I imagine you know the drill! 

Well, he was 3 years old! It coincided with (finally) giving up the dummy. So, with baby no.2, although I of course held onto a hope it would be “different this time” (cue more baby advice: number 2 is always easier and you only get 1 bad sleeper! INSERT “heard it all before so please shut up” emoji here) I also knew that chances are we wouldn’t. 

I did not, however, expect it to be worse!

When we got rid of the dummies (earlier than we did with LJ) I really thought this would be it and when it wasn’t I convinced my self it would happen when he turned 3. After all, Little M had never really woken BECAUSE of the dummies so there was no reason for there to be a clear link between that and him sleeping through. What I should have considered is, that since we could never really put a finger on why he woke up (beyond the new baby period when he needed milk) that there was no reason to expect when he turned 3 he would miraculously work out that reason for himself and leave us to it!

The night we blew out those 3 birthday candles I smugly thought this was going to be it but of course it wasn’t. So I finally succumbed to my husband’s acceptance** that he was not going to sleep through and nothing we could do would change that. I must say it is quite liberating taking control of what you can’t control. And somehow it has got better. Somehow, without really noticing – maybe because by this point I am so exhausted I just don’t even know what is going on anymore – he’s sleeping. I can’t call it “sleeping through” because it’s not regular but he is sleeping!

So it seems acceptance is the key after all. I always took it as a sign of weakness. Like accepting meant you were giving in. But since I have been on this “get your shit together” quest I have realised that accepting is something you actually do out of choice and is therefore a sign you are in control instead of something being in control of you. By deciding enough was enough and realising that “get up for whinging child” should only be on my ‘must do’ list in the case of illness, bad dream or potential kidnapping, life and more importantly nights, have become decidedly better and so has my mood (honestly, it has!) 

So it seems those ‘5 stages of grief’ guys were right after all and in the case of sleeping so was my husband (just don’t tell him I said that!)

We still have our sleep dramas – more on the traumas of actually getting the kids into their respective beds next time which I hope, rather than promise, will be sooner than 2020! 

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

 

References: 

^Marie Kondo – The Japanese tidying expert, star of Netflix show “Tidying up with Marie Kondo” and best-selling author who wants to spark joy with the KonMari Method.

www.konmari.com 

Book- The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing”

^^Sarah Knight – Anti-Guru, creator of the NotSorry Method and best-selling author of books aimed at Mental Decluttering and taking manageable steps to changing your life

Books referenced – “Get Your Shit Together” and “The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k”

*www.supernanny.co.uk

** see ”Sleepless in Schwechat” http://www.exhaustedmamaclub.com/?p=46

“The Nightmare Before Christmas”

Mama Atzi / / 2 Comments

What a year. So I know I have been pretty useless this last year in the blogging sense. It has not been my intention to be so. Quite the opposite. I have simply been living the life as described by the title of my blog and ultimately been too exhausted to actually put anything vaguely coherent together worthy of posting.

2017 has been the toughest year of my life. With so many ups and downs and seriously low lows. Full of loss and sadness, toddler tantrums, new schools, new jobs and too many small but ultimately time consuming or energy zapping issues to contend with.

Since last writing properly I have a 2 year old totally gorgeous but painfully exhausting trouble maker and a school kid who lost his first tooth this month! Time has seemingly flown by whilst I have been struggling, in all honesty, to keep it together and cope with my boys who are now so big I can barely tell who’s clothes belongs to who anymore. (Embarrassing Mama moment: Picking up LJ from school only to realise he was wearing an age 2-3 year olds top. Think Ross putting on that Frankie Says Relax t-shirt in Friends!)

Little M found it tough adjusting to Kiga without his big brother whilst LJ – the one we were worried about – has taken school all in his stride really. Overcoming many obstacles and really doing us proud – even if he does hate and constantly moan about his homework because it’s “soooo boring”!!

Little M has however also come on leaps and bounds this year. Security issues aside he’s really trying to talk, he’s so independent in so many ways and man does he idolise his big brother. LJ now has to really watch what he does and says, especially considering the following came out of his mouth the other day: “What the f@£k!” Then catching my look: “Mama, do we say ‘what the f@£k?” No son, no we do not!! Especially not in front of your very susceptible 2 year old brother who already says Kaka for Car (the German word for Poo!) which seems to have caught on with some of the younger children at Kindergarten!!

Though not always easy there has been job success this year with both myself and Ste and I have been especially excited and overwhelmed by the amazing response to my dance classes here. In a year that has been mostly black I have been able to get some of my dance sparkle back thanks to some extremely wonderful and supportive people – Joanna, Begum and Ozlem you have literally kept me sane and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

As I sit here waiting for my boys and their Oma, Opa and Uroma to arrive in anticipation of ChristKind, I am reminded of the only thing that is important in this world: Love, family and friendship.

Through Brexit, Donald Trump. some too close to home terror attacks and saying goodbye to 2 of the most wonderful Grandfathers to ever have graced this Earth as well as Allan and Peter, two major figures in a child- and adolescent-hood full of incredible memories, I really can only look at my two beautiful boys and feel thankful.

I learnt for the first time what true grief feels like and how helpless you are to it. Too many friends have lost people they held dear this year and I am not too naive to admit that this year was only the beginning for us too. For the first time I really understand the importance of living in the moment.

It’s not always easy of course – the fights are now quite epic as one boy inevitably always wants what the other wants, somedays I feel like nothing but a taxi driver as I face the logistics that come with new schools and jobs and my fingers have become ever more attached to my iPhone as I juggle 2 dance schools and a “normal” job as well as trying to make sure we have food in the fridge and atleast a semi-clean apartment! Some days I wonder how we survived without smartphones and Google drive and how I ever managed to maintain any kind of contact with my family before Whats App was created. I thank all at Amazon – the true Santas of this crazy modern world – without whom few of my family members would have had presents this Christmas, let alone my kids!

So yes, living every day like it’s your last is not always possible – especially when some days it takes every ounce of strength just to get out of bed in the morning – but it is my aim to appreciate what I have more. Last year’s resolution was to slow down and take the time to enjoy each moment more. We really managed that to an extent so this year simply needs to be a continuation of that.

I am working to give my family, and me, a better life but some days it feels like all I ever do is work and although I enjoy a lot of it, there are days where I begrudge my children interrupting me and that’s not what I want to feel. If I can’t take some time out to just enjoy my kids while they are still kids then really what’s the point of it all anyway?

Finding a balance between the work you need to do, the work you like to do and still spending quality time with the people you love is hard but it shouldn’t be impossible.

As always Christmas is a wonderful reminder of what is important and as we come to the end of a year where we have said too many goodbyes it really is time to make more of an effort to spend time with the people I love and holding my kids a little more now – while I have the chance – because at the end of it all it won’t be my phone I will want to hold in my arms.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!

Sweet dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“The Silence”

Mama Atzi / / 1 Comment

So firstly apologies for my radio silence over the last months. It has been way longer than I intended.

I have tried to write many blogs since I last posted but the quiet was too much for me at a time when the loss of my Grandad was still very raw and I found myself only able to think of him. I wrote about the 5 stages of grief in my “Sleepless in Schwechat” post but this was the first time I truly felt it for real. And it sucks! I still haven’t really accepted my Grandad has gone. He still pops into my mind constantly. Memories and thoughts that are ignited by the slightest of things – posters for the cuddly vegetables he saved tokens to get us, photos on my walls, crosswords, fisherman as we walk past the river, offers for drinks in the supermarkets, cherry tomatoes and carrots growing in our allotment and a million other seemingly inconsequential things that just remind me of him at unexpected moments.

During the first month after Grandad died Little M was going through a phase of needing me to lie near the cot as he went off to sleep. Lying there in the dark I found the silence deafening and, just as it had been when I tried to write, I found myself just crying into the quiet. I realised I needed to give myself a distraction and since I was not at all happy with my lack of exercise I created the Cotside Challenge Workout!! No app or membership required. Simply lie down on the floor, while your clingy child attempts to go to sleep and let you have some peace for once, and do some Pilates based exercises! 

I was able to work my tummy, my pelvis, my back, arms, legs and thighs. Do some quiet stretches and suddenly I wasn’t only thinking about sad things anymore. I wasn’t getting annoyed with my toddler for not sleeping and the time went so much quicker. I can’t say I saw many physical benefits as a result of my new work out plan – no 6 pack or particularly toned thighs – but it did help while away those quiet moments that were slowly eating me alive.

My toddler was happy because I was quietly breathing next to him and I was happy because my mind was elsewhere and for the first time in forever I didn’t even resent my child for making me lie with him!!

After this I realised I needed to find similar distractions during the day so I must admit that I did throw myself into some new ventures – possibly a few too many now the dust has settled a bit but I also needed a push. Even though it meant I continued to neglect my dear blog.

Not long after this Little M decided he was ok to go off to sleep on his own – score! So my Cotside Challenge dwindled away…for a while anyway! (Don’t worry I still don’t have a good sleeper!!)

So much has happened in the last few months. So much I would have liked to share with you all but couldn’t.

I will always have my moments, a part of me has been changed forever now, but the quiet is easier to deal with and instead of being sad I need to be grateful for the life I have – in part because of my Grandad – and instead of being scared of the feeling that hits me in the silence, embrace it and know it just means that Grandad is still here with me.

So yes lots has happened in the last few months but I’ll save that for the next post…

Sweet Dreams –

Mama Atzi x

“28 Days”

Mama Atzi / / No Comments

February might only have 28 days in it but I can honestly say that February 2017 has been the longest (and one of the most painful) of my life.

It actually started out quite full of hope. A positive job interview, Little M seemingly excited about starting Kindergarten and this Exhausted Mama believing that she might get to have a little bit of a recoup before being thrown into the world of work! Sadly it was not meant to be.

When it comes to childcare and children’s classes I have always been a ‘rip the band aid’ kind of person. I don’t believe it helps the child (or parent) to prolong the agony and after countless situations as a dance teacher where I have watched and seen firsthand as parents coddle and pander to their child instead of letting them take it in their own stride and just get on with it, ultimately making it much harder for the child to settle and enjoy themselves, I feel my ‘professional’ opinion atleast is justified.

If they’re not ready they’re not ready but if they are you have to let them go.

With that in mind I have always respected and trusted that other professionals (i.e childcare providers) know what they’re doing. So with LJ, when we were told the Kindergarten settling in period in London would be around 3 days I was skeptical but stayed positive and decided to go with it.

And it worked. Sure there were tears when I left for a while, but a few minutes outside the door proved it was (mostly) for show and all in all the transition was smooth and calm.

So when it came to starting our way more independent, second child, I just did not envision that it would go so badly!!! Or take so long!

As a Mama and a teacher I know that not every child is the same. They develop at different rates; talk, walk, skip and plie in their own time at their own speed. I know you have to choose your teaching style to suit the child’s personality. I know some children take longer to settle than others.

While I believe in ‘ripping the band aid’ I do also know that some children will find that harder than others. That there is always an exception to the rule. I just never thought my child would be that exception.

I’m forever telling people not to stress over their sleep deprivation (even though that’s all I ever do!), reminding them that “some babies just don’t sleep”. I wasn’t surprised that my second baby was also a non-sleeper but I didn’t expect him to be one of “those babies that just don’t settle” as well. Of course I hadn’t had such a Mama’s boy before either!

3 weeks later and I was still only able to leave for 30 mins – an hour if I was lucky. 3 weeks of downing McDonalds coffees (all I had time for). 3 weeks of sad little points at the door to the exit or LJ’s grouproom. 3 weeks of not understanding why I was sitting there but not really playing with him. 3 weeks of stress, tears, tantrums, clinging and worry. 3 weeks of heartbreak.

We had the feeling that Little M would probably settle better if he could join the older group where his big brother was but as Principal of a dance school, where you are constantly second guessed by parents (if you give them the chance) who supposedly know better than you and your 20 years worth of training and experience, I didn’t want to be “that” parent.

I was grateful when after a meeting the Kindergarten team, of their own accord, came to the same conclusion as us (see, Mummies and Daddies we do know what we’re doing, will always listen and appreciate your parental instincts and opinions but ultimately will make the right decision without you so please don’t push! Ok, sometimes you need to, your baby comes first, but just be nice about it!)

And hey presto, 3 days later he was already more settled than he had after 3 weeks in the baby group (so maybe us parents do know something too)! By day 5 there were no tears and I was able to leave him for most of the morning. Day 6 and he’s staying there for lunch – which since I don’t have a regular job here yet is all I was asking for anyway!!

So my faith in the ‘ripping the band aid’ philosophy does work – under the right circumstances or Kindergarten group anyway!

Finally, there was a light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Sadly though another light was starting to fade and on February 26th my world got a little dimmer when I received the worst FaceTime call of my life so far.

I knew as soon as the words ‘Mum and Dad Would Like to FaceTime’ flashed up on my screen at 10.30pm what was about to happen and with a deep breath I clicked ‘Accept’, a complete juxtaposition of what I was feeling, and prepared to hear the words that I had been preparing myself to hear for the last 2 weeks. I ripped that stupid bandaid and listened quietly as my Mum very calmly told me my darling Grandad was gone forever.

You may remember from my “Somewhere Slow” post that I wasn’t sure if I would get to see him again. I am grateful to be able to say that I did manage to fly over at the beginning of February and even more grateful that I was able to get that last goodbye kiss. I can’t honestly say it’s given me any more comfort but in time I hope it will.

Right now I still keep going over everything I should have said or could have done differently. Like one extra hug or trying to fit in one more visit before I flew home. If I’d said my usual ‘see you soon’ would he still be with us? But in the end none of it makes a difference and the only thing that is important is that Grandad is at peace.

I had the most amazing, special Grandad in my life for nearly 36 years. He got to know both my boys and LJ got to know him. Little M will have our photos, memories and stories.

So yes it’s been a very long, very tough month. There’s been a lot of tears and a lot of tantrums – and not all from the baby.

But the kindergarten team have been patient and kind and I’m confident Little M will soon be running into Kiga without a backward glance.

The NHS staff at the Norfolk and Norwich were phenomenal with my Grandad and their efforts and professionalism allowed him to fall asleep peacefully and with dignity. The way he deserved.

Right now I don’t know how to accept a reality where my Grandad no longer exists. Every time I think about it I get punched. The time between hits slowly increases but for the rest of my life they’ll be there.

At the end of the day, whether you rip the band aid or slowly peel it away the pain is still there. You don’t get over it any quicker, it just affects you differently.

Sometimes you just have to let the professionals choose the best course of action and pray that they are right.

So, sleep tight Grandad. It’ll be hard without you but you taught us well and we’ll carry you and your lessons in our hearts forever:

“I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living my Grandad you’ll be”*

Love always – your Katy xxx

To my lovely readers;

Sweet Dreams,

Mama Atzi x

*Words taken and adapted from the Robert Munsch book ‘Love you forever’ www.robertmunsch.com